That 70's Show FanFic: Season 1
by NewYorkerInCalif
Summary: This contains different episodes. Each chapter are new episodes! It's like watching it on TV. FF1, FF2, FF3, FF4, FF5, FF6, FF7, FF8, FF9, FF10, FF11, FF12, FF13, FF14, FF15: FEZ'S Island
1. Episode 1: What She Wants

[Forman's basement. Eric and Donna sitting on couch next to each other writing applications. Hyde is in his chair reading his magazine. Jackie is reading a magazine in the opposite side chair. FEZ is sitting on top of the head of the couch reading whatever Eric is writing.]  
  
ERIC: Okay guys. Here's a question. What have I done for the community?  
  
HYDE: You're doing them a favor by not being in it  
  
FEZ: Oh Eric. You can be in my community. It's so lonely here.   
  
ERIC: Kay... [to the group] I'm serious! Doing college applications is hard stuff.   
  
DONNA: Eric's right. We really need to concentrate on this. College is important.   
  
JACKIE: Yeah Donna. It's not like any idiot can get into college.   
  
[Kelso comes in.]  
  
KELSO: Hey you guys! I need help picking which college to apply to.   
  
HYDE: Well what do you know. There's always a first time for everything.   
  
KELSO: I have the papers from each college here and I want to go to this one! [points at a picture of a girl]  
  
ERIC: Uhh... Kelso, do you even know what college that is?  
  
KELSO: YEAH ER-IC! I know which one it is. It's the one with the hot chick riding her bicycle!  
  
[Jackie puts her magazine down and goes over to Hyde]  
  
JACKIE: Steven, have you considered-  
  
HYDE: No.  
  
JACKIE: You didn't let me finish. What I was trying to say is-  
  
HYDE: No. [puts down magazine] Jackie. We've been through this. I am not going to college. College is not for me.   
  
JACKIE: You don't know what is for you, Steven. You have a lot of potential to go to college, become rich and marry me. Don't you want that most in the world?  
  
KELSO: Jackie, I have a lot of potential.   
  
[Jackie turns to face Kelso.]  
  
JACKIE: Michael. Seeing who can spit-wad the farthest is not a potential.   
  
KELSO: It takes a lot of mind energy to spit those babies far!  
  
ERIC: Wow, your mind must be exhausted... like at two feet.   
  
KELSO: Yeah. It took a lot out of me.   
  
[Kelso goes back to girl in brochure. Jackie turns to Hyde]  
  
JACKIE: Steven. I am serious. Just imagine us together. Everything we ever wanted!  
  
*Fantasy Sequence*  
[Jackie and Hyde are strolling around in expensive clothes. Eric and Donna are wearing poorish clothes and staring at Jackie and Hyde. Jackie walks up to Donna and has a HUGE diamond rock on her finger.]  
  
JACKIE: Donna! Look at my wedding ring Steven bought for me.  
  
DONNA: Oh Jackie! It's beautiful! Oh you are so lucky to have someone smart and went to college. Oh you are so lucky to be beautiful, rich and oh so smart! I am so jealous.  
  
JACKIE: Oh stop Donna! Look at my other ring! [brings up other arm with huge diamond rock on it]  
  
[Hyde comes to Jackie and puts an arm around her waist]  
  
HYDE: Ha ha ha. Isn't my wife so beautiful and smart? I am so lucky to have gone to college and become successful and rich. Oh Jackie! You convinced me to go to college! Now I owe you everything. Let's go honey on to our big mansion! Ta ta!  
  
[Jackie and Hyde leave, leaving Eric and Donna alone]  
  
ERIC: Oh darn. I should of gone to college.  
  
DONNA: I am so jealous! I wish I was Jackie...[drowns 'wish I was Jackie, wish I was Jackie']  
  
*Fantasy ends*  
  
ERIC: Okay, was it me or was that scary?  
  
DONNA: What the hell Jackie?  
  
HYDE: Jackie. Would you stop it?  
  
[Hyde goes to his room]  
  
JACKIE: [to everyone] You guys got to help me convince him college is the right path for him. He's missing a great chance! Wait... I have an idea! I'm going to do his application for him! [runs upstairs]  
  
KELSO: [staring at picture of girl] I'm not missing a great chance. My right path is here! [points to girl]  
  
ERIC: [grabs magazine] Let me see that. [looks] Oh my God. That looks like Jackie!   
  
DONNA: [takes a look] HAHAHA... It does!  
  
KELSO: No it doesn't!  
  
FEZ: [looks] Kelso is in love with someone he can't have, so he finds someone who looks like her to replace the one he lost.  
  
KELSO: No I don't. [grabs magazine] It does not look like Jackie.   
  
DONNA: Kelso. This girl looks exactly like Jackie!  
  
FEZ: Look at her hair. Her face. Her eyes. Her make-up. Just like Jackie.  
  
ERIC: Oh God. Another Jackie. God help us all.   
  
[Credits]  
******************************************************************  
[Eric and Donna in Forman kitchen sitting on the table, looking at papers. Eric loses concentration and stares at Donna.]  
  
DONNA: Quit it. [hits him]  
  
ERIC: Okay. For reals. Let's work on this.   
  
[Eric looks at papers and then turn slowly to stare at Donna]  
  
DONNA: Eric. Quit it. We seriously need to work on this.   
  
ERIC: Oh Right! Yes. Working on applications.   
  
DONNA: Finally! Done with my applications. [leans back and relaxes]  
  
ERIC: That's good Donna. Let me see. [Eric takes her paper]  
  
DONNA: [unsure] Eric it's okay! Really!  
  
ERIC: Donna. What's this? New York University? You want to go to New York?  
  
DONNA: No Eric. I'm just applying there. [takes her paper] It's not like I'm actually going there.  
  
ERIC: What if you get in?  
  
DONNA: Then I'll see my options of what's good for me. For us.   
  
ERIC: But New York? Couldn't it be someplace closer. Like I dunno. Here?  
  
DONNA: Quit being such an ass. I'm just applying. It won't hurt me to apply.   
  
ERIC: Donna. I thought we were going to go to school together.   
  
DONNA: We are. It's just New York has a great journalism program and I just wanted to apply. It's no harm Eric.   
  
ERIC: [gets up] Fine. If you want to apply some place far and away. Go ahead. I don't see what's stopping you. [walks out of kitchen into living room]  
  
DONNA: Eric.  
***************************************************************  
[Forman Living room. Red is sitting on his seat reading a newspaper. Kitty is fixing the pillows on the couch. Jackie comes in thru the kitchen with papers in her hands.]  
  
JACKIE: Hi Mrs. Forman. Can I speak with you?  
  
KITTY: Hold on dear. [she positions the pillows exactly right]  
  
JACKIE: Mrs. Forman.  
  
KITTY: Wait...[still positioning the pillows]  
  
RED: Ah hell Kitty. The girl is waiting. The pillows look fine.   
  
KITTY: [turns around] Well! I'm sorry if my pillows aren't good enough for you! [runs upstairs]  
  
RED: Kitty! I'm sorry Kitty! [Kitty out of sight] Dammit!   
  
JACKIE: Mr. Forman. What's going on with Mrs. Forman?  
  
RED: Just some problems... well.. it's lady problems... meno- [hesitates] What do you want Jackie?  
  
JACKIE: [sits on the couch] Well Mr. Forman. You know how I want Steven to go to college. I have here applications for Steven to fill out! [sets the papers on the table]  
  
RED: Oh. Steven is going to fill these out?  
  
JACKIE: Not exactly. Steven doesn't know and I need yours or Mrs. Forman's help filling these out. So will you help me?  
  
RED: Jackie I don't think-  
  
JACKIE: [gets up with papers] THANK YOU MR. FORMAN! You're the best! Here! [hands him one sheet of paper] Try to find out what what activities he has done in the community! THANK YOU! and don't forget to tell Mrs. Forman! [leaves through kitchen]  
  
RED: Ah Damn. [puts paper down and continues reading newspaper]  
***************************************************************  
[Foreman's basement. The circle.]  
  
HYDE: There's something going on with Jackie man. She's been asking me all these questions. [imitating Jackie] 'Steven, what do you want to be when you grow up?' 'Steven, what have you done for the school?' 'Steven, what inspires you?' It's like I'm stuck on Donahue man.  
  
ERIC: Okay. I found Donna applying to New York University! I mean! We just got back together and now she wants to go and leave me! Doesn't she want to be together? I mean! Come on!   
  
FEZ: I don't know. New York sounds so much fun. Is there a lot of whores in New York?   
  
ERIC: [stares at FEZ then back] I don't know what to do.   
  
KELSO: You know I'm going to go to this college and find this chick in this magazine! First I got to find out where this college is. [chuckles] I'm going to college!!!  
  
FEZ: I would like to go to the college with you to help you find the Jackie look-a-like.   
  
HYDE: [hits FEZ and stares at Foreman] Donna is your girlfriend and you should be with her. Although, she is an excellent writer and would go to an amazing college and meet other exciting people and then have to come home to you.   
  
KELSO: Yeah. She'd be going to college without you with her. heh heh. Oh man you're screwed!  
  
ERIC: I am not! I got to deal with this!  
  
FEZ: Oh Eric. Donna loves you. She won't leave you to become rich and successful in New York. Wait. What was my point?  
  
ERIC: [quietly] DAMN!  
[commercial]  
*************************************************************  
[A college. Kelso and FEZ are walking down a hall.]   
  
KELSO: So where do you think we should start looking for her?  
  
FEZ: Well. They picture of her is with a bicycle. Maybe outside.  
  
[Two girls pass by holding bags and books and wave at FEZ and Kelso]  
  
FEZ: Oh this is too good to be true! Did you see that?  
  
KELSO: Yeah. They were hot.   
  
FEZ: No! They had candy in their hands. That means they have candy here!  
  
KELSO: FEZ, do you have anything that you like better than candy? I mean candy isn't everything.  
  
[FEZ slaps Kelso]  
  
FEZ: You son of a bitch! Don't you ever say that again!  
*************************************************************  
[Foreman's basement. Hyde is on his chair watching TV with a popsicle. Jackie is siting on the couch. She gets up and sits on the arm of Hyde's seat]  
  
JACKIE: Steven, where do you see yourself in ten years?   
  
HYDE: With Beer.   
  
JACKIE: You're so funny Steven. So a businessman in the alcohol distribution. I see! [writes] Large firm of businessmen.   
  
HYDE: Jackie. What are you doing?  
  
JACKIE: Nothing. Just want to know your aspirations. You do have aspirations, don't you Steven?  
  
HYDE: Yeah. And you know... I do  
  
JACKIE: Really?  
  
HYDE: I feel one coming on right now. [smiles]  
  
JACKIE: Steven! [she gets up] Can't you be serious?  
  
HYDE: Jackie! We've discussed this already.  
  
JACKIE: We did? I don't remember us discussing this. Oh I know why. We didn't Steven!  
  
HYDE: Can you please try to understand what I am saying?  
  
JACKIE: I do try! I can see you are crying for help. You want to attend college.  
  
HYDE: I do?   
  
JACKIE: Yes Steven. I see it in you. [kisses him]   
  
HYDE: [pushes Jackie] Jackie. Please just stop. I don't want to go to college and that's final.   
  
JACKIE: Oh what do you know what's good for you? [kisses him]  
*************************************************************  
[Forman's Kitchen. Red is at the table reading the newspaper. Eric comes in through living room. Opens the fridge and grabs a soda and sits at the table]  
  
ERIC: You know Donna. She really makes me mad.   
  
RED: [still reading] Damn. [looks at Eric] You feel like in those talking moods, huh son? [puts paper down and starts to get up] I'll be in the garage.   
  
ERIC: I mean she's applying to another college. We both might not go to college together. She's being selfish.   
  
RED: [stops, puts one hand on the table and points at Eric] Selfish? If someone is being selfish, it's you!  
  
ERIC: M- M- Me? She's the one applying far away!  
  
RED: She's doing what is best for her future. She can just apply everywhere without you. She's applying to where her talent is noticed. She doesn't need to go to college with a 80 pound luggage on her back. [starts to leave] Dumbass [leaves through screen door]   
  
ERIC: [shouts as he gets up to leave] It's 130 pounds of luggage!!! and... DAMN! [leaves to kitchen]  
*************************************************************  
[Forman's driveway. Red just gets out from kitchen Hyde walks from basement. Red sees Hyde]  
  
RED: Steven. Hold on for a moment.   
  
HYDE: Yeah Red?  
  
RED: Look. I was wondering if we could talk for a moment.   
  
HYDE: Sure Red. Whatever it is. Eric did it.   
  
RED: I know. Listen. I was wondering about you and what came in mind was the community. What have you done for the community?  
  
HYDE: [pauses and thinks] I didn't destroy it.   
  
RED: That is a good point. Ah screw it. Steven do your college applications that the Burkhart girl wanted you to do.   
  
HYDE: No.  
  
RED: What?  
  
HYDE: No. I don't want to. Mr. Forman, college isn't for me. I am not college material.   
  
RED: What if I told you if you don't fill out those applications and correctly, you won't get my foot in your ass.   
  
HYDE: Fair enough. [starts walking into the kitchen. Stopped by Kitty and Jackie coming out of the kitchen]  
  
KITTY: Oh Steven! I'm so glad I caught you! I was wondering. I was in my room knitting and I thought to myself. [laughs] What inspires Steven? [She looks at Jackie and Jackie nodds and smiles]  
  
HYDE: Well Mrs. Forman. I don't know really, but I'm going to work on my college applications and then I'll tell you after I'm done. [smiles at them and then walks into kitchen]  
  
JACKIE: Oh my gosh Mrs. Forman! That was great! How did you do that?  
  
KITTY: [laughs] Oh Jackie. It's a little thing I do.   
  
[Red rolls his eyes and Jackie is hugging Kitty]  
[commercial]  
*************************************************************  
[Pinciotti's kitchen. Donna is sitting with envelopes in her hand. Mug next to her. Knocks on the door. Eric comes in]  
  
ERIC: Hey Donna.   
  
DONNA: Eric.  
  
ERIC: Donna. Listen, I'm sorry.   
  
DONNA: No Eric. I'm sorry. I should of told you I was applying to other places. I shouldn't had kept that a secret.   
  
ERIC: No Donna. I was selfish. Wait. You're sorry? Yeah. You should of told me. Bad Donna! [Donna hits Eric]  
  
DONNA: But you didn't have to be an ass about it.   
  
ERIC: Sorry. Look. You're an amazing writer and you need something better. Better than all the colleges we've both applied to. New York is a great school and the journalism program is great. You should not not attend this school for me. We love each other and I know no matter where we go we'll always love each other and be there for each other. That's why I called New York myself and sent a story you wrote to them.  
  
DONNA: [shocked] You what?  
  
ERIC: Yup! Who's the greatest boyfriend in the world? [points to himself] ME!  
  
DONNA: Eric.   
  
ERIC: Donna. I know I know. You love me and will thank me with kisses and hugs and praise me forever.   
  
[Donna laughs and Eric notices it]  
  
ERIC: Whu- what?  
  
DONNA: [gets up and puts arms around Eric] That was sweet. Thank you. [they kiss]  
*************************************************************  
[College. Kelso and FEZ walked back to the hall.]  
  
Kelso: Dammit! I looked everywhere! I can't find her.   
  
FEZ: That is so sad for you. Your girl who looks like Jackie cannot be found. I, on the other hand, have found my candy. [Fez walks with a bag and turns and hits into a girl] I'm so sorry.  
  
Candy: It's okay. Oh wow. Candy! I love that!   
  
FEZ: Really? I love candy too. My name is FEZ. Who are you?  
  
Candy: My name is Candy. Isn't that funny? I'm Candy and I love candy!  
  
FEZ: Candy?  
  
[Light shines above Candy. Kelso grabs FEZ.]  
  
Kelso: Let's go. I can't find her anywhere!  
  
[FEZ hits Kelso to let him go.]  
  
FEZ: Let me go! Let me go! I see my destiny. [goes to Candy] Candy, so you are a college girl and you love candy?  
  
Candy: Yes I do. [laughs]  
*************************************************************  
[Forman's basement. Hyde is writing applications. Jackie is staring longingly at him.]  
  
JACKIE: Steven. This is going to be great. I can visit you at college. You can come home to me during the weekends! Oh this is going to be so great.   
  
HYDE: Yeah. Great.  
  
JACKIE: [puts his pencil down and kisses him] You are an amazing boyfriend! I'm so glad you decided to apply.   
  
HYDE: [picks up pencil and continues writing] This would work better if you didn't talk.  
  
JACKIE: Oh right! Okay. [quiet for a few seconds] OH Steven! This is so exciting!  
  
[FEZ and Kelso comes in from the door. Kelso looks tired. FEZ is smiling with a bag of candy]  
  
HYDE: Where have you guys been?   
  
KELSO: [falls on the chair opposite of Hyde and slams brochure down] I spent all day looking for this girl.   
  
[Jackie looks at the brochure and smiles]  
  
JACKIE: Hey! That's my picture! My cousin took that picture of me when I went to visit her there. Wow! They must of thought I was in this school! Wow! Don't I look great!  
  
KELSO: [shocked] WHAT?  
  
FEZ: [sighs] Poor Kelso. He has fallen for the girl he cannot have.  
  
HYDE: Man you fell in love with the picture of Jackie and didn't even know it was her. Pathetic man.   
  
JACKIE: Kelso. Listen. That's flattering. Well... it's me, so it's a given. But get over it already.   
  
FEZ: I am happy from today. I am going to become a man... with Candy! [Everyone stares at him] Yes I know you want some of this. I have found THE ONE.   
  
HYDE: It better not be that lady who works at the candy store that gives out free samples. She's like old, man.  
  
FEZ: She is a nice lady with big bossoms and candy. But no. I met a college girl name Candy and tonight she has invited me to her dorm. She said I might be interested in something she is planning! I shall finally become a man.  
*************************************************************  
[Later on. Forman's basement. Hyde and Eric are working on applications.]  
  
HYDE: Damn I can't think straight. This is taking a lot out of me.  
  
ERIC: Hyde, what is really bothering you about college?  
  
HYDE: College is part of the government. Why must we pay them to educate us when high school it is free education? That's messed up Forman.   
  
ERIC: Just think. College is a get away from here and hey! It'll take you away from Jackie. heh heh  
  
HYDE: Shut your piehole Forman.   
  
ERIC: Oh come on, it's not like you love her.   
  
[Hyde remains quiet]  
  
ERIC: Oh my GOD! You love her?!?!  
*************************************************************  
[Credits]  
  
[College. FEZ looks at paper and then at door. Knocks on the door. Candy opens it with a tank top and short shorts]  
  
CANDY: Hey FEZ. I'm glad you could make it!  
  
[Voice from behind, 'who is it?' Another girl comes up next to Candy wearing tank top and short shorts]  
  
CANDY: FEZ, this is my roommate, Brownie.   
  
[FEZ smiles and turns around. He looks up]  
  
FEZ: Thank you. [points up] You are the man. [turns back] Well Ladies. I think she should get started.   
  
CANDY: Great! You can be the first to do the reading!  
  
FEZ: Reading? What freaking reading?  
  
CANDY: From the bible silly!  
  
FEZ: Wait. No No. I thought we were going to do it?  
  
[Candy and Brownie laughs]  
  
BROWNIE: I'm sorry FEZ. We aren't like that.   
  
CANDY: Yes. God is good, God is great. God says, Sex can wait.   
  
FEZ: What? [turns around and looks up] Damn you! Not again! [turns around and smiles] Okay ladies. Let's read. [walks in] 


	2. Episode 2: American Love

Episode 2: American Love  
  
[Forman's basement. Hyde and Eric. Hyde sitting on his chair. Eric is standing up.]  
  
ERIC: Oh my God! You love her?!?!  
  
HYDE: Shut up Forman.   
  
ERIC: WHY?!?! She's the devil!  
  
HYDE: [gets up and gets a popsicle] I thought Laurie was the devil.  
  
ERIC: She is! Jackie's the apprentice! You know... the devil in training!  
  
HYDE: What?  
  
ERIC: Yeah! Like Darth Vader in Star Wars!   
  
[Hyde groans]  
  
HYDE: [sits] Just forget it. I don't bother you.  
  
ERIC: Yeah you do! All the time!  
  
HYDE: Name em!  
  
ERIC: Gladly.   
  
***** PAST SEQUENCE *******  
  
[Forman's basement. Hyde, Fez, and Eric are sitting and relaxing.Hyde reading magazine.]  
  
ERIC: Okay... Don't tell Donna that I read her diary. Alright?  
  
FEZ: No problem Eric.   
  
HYDE: You can count on us.   
  
[Donna comes in through door]  
  
DONNA: Hey guys.  
  
HYDE: Eric read your journal.   
  
ERIC: What? No I didn't.  
  
FEZ: Yes you did.   
  
DONNA: ERIC! [hits him]  
************************************************  
[Forman's driveway. Everyone is playing baseketball.]  
  
DONNA: [holding ball] I don't know how I always beat you Forman!   
  
FEZ: He thinks you cheat.   
  
HYDE: FEZ! Don't say that... wasn't it steriods?  
  
DONNA: WHAT?!?! [tosses ball at Eric]  
  
ERIC: No! No I don't!  
  
DONNA: [hits him] I don't cheat! [hits him more] AND I'M NOT ON STERIODS!  
************************************************  
[THE HUB. Donna and Eric are drinking a drink together. FEZ, Hyde and Kelso come in]  
  
DONNA: Hey guys. What's up?  
  
ERIC: Hey you guys! What were you guys doing?  
  
KELSO: Like you told us. [Eric does the DON'T SAY ANYTHING]  
  
FEZ: Fixing Donna's mail box that you hit last night.   
  
HYDE: Remember? Boy that was fun. You hit that thing hard! BAM!   
  
DONNA: [turns to Eric] ERIC!  
  
ERIC: It was an accident! I didn't see the pink color of your mailbox in the dark!  
  
[Donna gets up and leaves]  
***** PAST SEQUENCE ENDS *******  
  
HYDE: [laughs] Yeah, that's funny man.   
  
[Eric rolls eyes]  
  
[CREDITS]  
************************************************  
[Forman's basement. Hyde, Jackie, Eric, Donna, Kelso and FEZ are watching TV. Hyde is in his chair. Jackie, Donna and FEZ are sitting on the couch. Eric is sitting behind the couch. Kelso is on the side chair.]  
  
KELSO: Man... these angels are hot. They can be my Angels!  
  
JACKIE: You think any girl with a rack is hot.   
  
KELSO: No! Only hot ones!  
  
FEZ: Oh that is nice! [smiles] Farah knows what I like. [sighs] Ai, I have no luck with women.   
  
KELSO: [looks at him] Aww... FEZ, we know. [turns back to TV]  
  
DONNA: [gets up and hits Kelso, sits down] FEZ, You'll find a nice girl soon.  
  
JACKIE: Yeah. I'm sure there are some girls who like foreign guys.  
  
[Everyone stares at her]  
  
JACKIE: What?? There could be. Like in France or foreign places.   
  
ERIC: [looks at Hyde and then at everyone else] You know what I love?  
  
[ALL AT THE SAME TIME THEY SAY:]  
  
DONNA: [points to TV] Those breasts that are flying?  
  
HYDE: Men?  
  
FEZ: Midgets?  
  
JACKIE: Bas taste?  
  
KELSO: [looks at Eric] Oh Oh ... MONKEYS!  
  
ERIC: [looks at everyone] No! Well... yeah [looks at Kelso and Donna] Donna. I love you.   
  
JACKIE: Oh that's so lame. [Donna hits Jackie] OW! That hurt, you lumberjack!  
  
ERIC: [looks at Jackie and then Hyde for a long time and then at Donna] And I'm telling you since I don't want to ever keep anything from you and feel that if you love someone you tell them. So Donna... I love you. [stares at Hyde]  
  
DONNA: Aw. That's sweet Eric. [kisses him and turns back to TV]  
  
ERIC: [unsure] Don't I get a I love you back?  
  
FEZ: Oh Eric I love you too.   
  
ERIC: Not you! Donna...   
  
KELSO: [coughs] Burn! [cough]  
  
DONNA: [realization and looks at him] Oh! yeah... I love you too Eric. [turns back to TV]  
  
ERIC: Okay... [pauses] thanks.   
  
FEZ: STOP IT WITH THE NEEDS! [Gets up and leaves through door]  
  
KELSO: [gets up] Oh great! You hurt FEZ... AGAIN!!! [Calls after FEZ] FEZ! [leaves through door]  
  
JACKIE: Poor FEZ. He really needs a girlfriend. He needs makeout time... BAD [shakes head]  
  
HYDE: Yeah... poor guy. Hey Jackie wanna go... make out? [Hyde gets up]  
  
JACKIE: [calmly] Okay [Jackie follows and they leave through door]  
  
ERIC: Okay... we're alone. [jumps over couch and sits]  
  
DONNA: Yeah... This is nice.   
  
ERIC: Well Donna. [fake yawns and put arm over Donna] What do you think we should do to kill time?  
  
DONNA: I know! You can tell me why the hell you acted lovey-dovey earlier?  
  
ERIC: [Seeming oblivious] Sweet hot passionate sex coming your way baby! Oh what? [surprised]  
************************************************  
[Forman Kitchen. Kitty is cleaning the stove. Red enters]  
  
KITTY: [Smiling] RED! Guess what? [smiles bigger] I invited friends over!  
  
RED: [looks deep into her] What friends Kitty? [pauses] Oh crap. You invited Bob and Joanne over!  
  
KITTY: [throws towel down] Yes! We need the company! I need friends Red! I can't deal with this forever. I need people to support me Red. DON'T YOU THINK I NEED THE SUPPORT RIGHT NOW!?!?! ESPECIALLY WITH ALL THAT'S BEEN HAPPENING! [overreacting]  
  
RED: [worried] Okay Kitty! Okay! I'll deal with those dumbasses tonight.   
  
KITTY: [back to normal and laughs] Good! Oh this is going to be so much fun! [jumps and goes to the living room]  
  
RED: [groans] Ah dammit.   
************************************************  
[THE HUB. Kelso and FEZ enter. They look around and see girls.]  
  
FEZ: So where are the lucky ladies?  
  
KELSO: They are all over the place. We just got to pick them.   
  
FEZ: What do I say?   
  
KELSO: Don't worry FEZ! I got your back.  
  
FEZ: [sees a cute girl] Hey! How about that chick?   
  
KELSO: Oh. No I dated her before. She thinks she's so smart. She uses big words... WHO THE HELL USES "SIMPLICITY"?   
  
[Both shrugg. FEZ turns and see a girl smiling at him.FEZ taps Kelso]  
  
FEZ: How about her? [points to girl]  
  
KELSO: [Looks] Oh. That's Maggie Thompson. She's hard to get. I doubt she'd want to do anything with you. She turned me - I mean she's not really my type. I guess I was too hot for her. She begged me [looks away] to be with her... but no...   
  
[FEZ walks towards her, Kelso is still talking]  
  
FEZ: Hello lovely lady. I am FEZ. Beautiful as the night is, only you are far more beautiful.   
  
MAGGIE: Oh aren't you the cutest thing? I'm Maggie. [lets out hand and FEZ kisses it]  
  
FEZ: Oh sweet Maggie. Your hand is like butter. Creamy and smooth and may I add very nicely textured.   
  
MAGGIE: [takes hand away] Oh thank you! That's so sweet. I love your accent!  
  
FEZ: [confused] Accent? Oh... yes. My American accent is breaking in well, thank you for noticing.   
  
[MAGGIE and FEZ laughs. KELSO notices and is appalled. He walks up to FEZ]  
  
KELSO: FEZ?!?! What are you doing?  
  
FEZ: [talking to Maggie] Hold on one second Maggie. [turns to Kelso] I am doing so good!   
  
KELSO: She's out of your league man. She's going to end up hurting you. You know. As a good friend that I am, I'll take over from here and you can just thank me later. [smiles]  
  
FEZ: [confused] I don't get it?   
  
KELSO: It's simple. I'll take it from here.   
  
FEZ: [understands] Ohhh... [shakes head] No.   
  
KELSO: Come on man. [grows impatient] FINE! [leaves]  
  
[FEZ turns back to Maggie who is smiling at him]  
  
[COMMERCIAL]  
************************************************  
[Forman basement. Donna and Eric on couch, facing each other.]  
  
ERIC: Okay. When I tell you this. You have to keep this a secret and when I tell you this... don't get all jumpy.   
  
DONNA: Come on Eric. You know me. I don't overreact.   
  
ERIC: Hyde loves Jackie.  
  
DONNA: [jumps] OH MY GOD!!! HE CAN DO THAT???  
  
ERIC: [nods] It's true. Our Hyde... [pauses] can love.   
  
DONNA: [gasping for air] My God. Does she know?  
  
ERIC: No. I don't think he'll tell her.   
  
DONNA: Why not?  
  
ERIC: I don't know. I need to ask him that. Just don't say anything when they come back.   
  
[Jackie and Hyde comes back in. Hyde sits on his chair. Jackie sits on hers.]  
  
DONNA: So what have you kids been up to?  
  
JACKIE: Just gone out to get some fresh air. Steven, couldn't take his hands off me though.   
  
HYDE: Me? It was you who couldn't keep to herself.   
  
ERIC: Okay... ears need to be cut off and burned. [covering ears]  
  
HYDE: So Forman. We going to go to visit that college next weekend?   
  
JACKIE: Steven [gets up] you're going to a college next weekend? Why didn't you tell me?  
  
HYDE: Fine. [moves forward from chair] Jackie, I'm going to a college next weekend. Happy? [leans back]  
  
JACKIE: [walks to him] I still think you should of told me.  
  
HYDE: Why does it matter?  
  
JACKIE: It does, Steven. Communication is the key to our relationship! We need to talk things through. We need to tell each other everything!  
  
HYDE: [gets up] Okay Jackie. Let me tell you this. I'm going to go to the bathroom [points to bathroom] and I don't think you'd want to follow me. [does cute face]  
  
JACKIE: Thank you Steven and you are right. [sits down in his seat. Hyde goes to bathroom]  
  
DONNA: So what's going on with you two?  
  
JACKIE: Oh we're fine. We're more than fine. Oh why won't he let me be in control!  
  
ERIC: I don't know. Maybe cuz YOU'RE CONTROLLING!  
  
JACKIE: [looks at Eric and then at Donna] And all he wants to do is talk. He talks too much. Blah blah blah the Government this... Blah blah blah Xerox is taking over... I don't know if I could take this. He's out talking me!!!  
  
ERIC: I don't think that's possible. Actually... I don't think that's even real.  
  
DONNA: Wow... Hyde talks too much? That's like Eric gaining weight.   
  
ERIC: Hey! I can! I checked the scale and I'm three pounds heavier Missy! [points at Donna]  
  
JACKIE: Yeah, but don't tell him. Shhh.. here he comes! [Hyde comes out of bathroom] Yeah DONNA! I know my hair is prettier than yours!   
  
DONNA: What?!?!?! [Jackie winks at Donna]  
************************************************  
[THE HUB. FEZ and MAGGIE are sitting and chatting. Kelso comes in looking like FEZ. He walks up to them.]  
  
KELSO: [in a fake accent] Hello Maggie! I am Michel!   
  
MAGGIE: Michelle? That's a girl's name! [laughs]  
  
KELSO: IT'S FRENCH! for Michael! Michel!   
  
FEZ: You are such a girl.   
  
KELSO: It's "man pretty"!!!  
  
MAGGIE: Yes Michel?  
  
KELSO: [grabs a seat] Yes. In my country it is beautiful. There is no war. No guns. No big words! Definitely. And lots and lots of se-u-x.   
  
MAGGIE/FEZ: SE-U-X?  
  
KELSO: Yes. SE-U-X! AND LOTS OF IT BABY!  
  
FEZ: In my country Maggie. You'd be the Queen of the kingdom! [Maggie looks flattered]  
  
KELSO: Well Well in my country! You'd be the King! King of the Jungle! [Maggie looks puzzled]  
  
FEZ: [looks at Kelso] King of the Jungle?  
  
KELSO: HEY! SHUT UP!   
  
FEZ: [looks back at Maggie] In my country, everyone would be praising your name because of your beauty. [Maggie smiles]  
  
KELSO: In my country! We all love you and the thing they do when they love you is that we have what is called an offering.   
  
MAGGIE: An offering?  
  
KELSO: Yes! The offering to you is a sexy, handsome foreign guy and this year... IT'S ME!  
  
FEZ: [looks at Kelso] You're an idiot! That is not how to win a girl!  
  
KELSO: I DON'T SEE YOU DOING ANY BETTER?!?! [Both get up]  
  
FEZ: You are a disgrace to all Foreign Exchange Students!  
  
KELSO: Well you're a disgrace to the - whatever you are!!!  
  
[Maggie gets up and starts to leave.]  
  
MAGGIE: You know what... you two go fight. I don't care. I'm leaving.   
  
FEZ: But but Maggie! I didn't tell you about my country's song of love.  
  
KELSO: Or mine's!  
  
MAGGIE: Forget it. Foreigners creep me out now. [she leaves]  
  
KELSO: Great! Look what you did! Now she hates us foreigners!  
  
FEZ: Looking at you, I am proud not to be an American!  
************************************************  
[Forman Living room. Red is in his chair. Kitty, Bob and Joanne are sitting on the couch.]  
  
JOANNE: It's so nice of you to invite us over.   
  
KITTY: No problem. It's always nice having company, other than your own.   
  
RED: Kitty. I'm right here.   
  
KITTY: [doesn't look at Red and smiles at Bob and Joanne] I stand by what I said.   
  
RED: [rolls eyes] So Bob. How's life?  
  
BOB: Well Red. It's been hard -   
  
RED: [cuts him off] Well that's too bad. It'll be better soon! [sips beer]  
  
JOANNE: Red you didn't let him finish!  
  
RED: I was doing you and me a favor.   
  
KITTY: [laughing] So Joanne, how is everything?  
  
JOANNE: It's great! Bob and I are talking about moving in together. Maybe get married and start a family.   
  
KITTY: [serious] Oh... start a family?  
  
BOB: Yeah. It's going to be so fun. There will be another me running around someday.   
  
RED: Oh God No. [everyone looks at him] I mean... Great..   
  
KITTY: Oh Children... Oh My!  
  
*************** FANTASY SEQUENCE *****************************  
[Forman Driveway. KITTY playing with various kids in the driveway.]  
  
KITTY: Come on kids! Who wants ice cream?!?!  
  
KIDS: I do! I do! I do!  
  
KITTY: Well you know what you have to do first!!!  
  
KIDS: WE LOVE YOU!  
  
KITTY: [smiles] AND I LOVE YOU!!! Come on kids! Let's go!  
  
[KIDS run to Kitty and hug her. She walks towards her sliding door with the children. Then a whistle is blown. Kids start running away from Kitty towards the Pinciotti's place. You see the kids clinging onto Bob.]  
  
BOB: Thanks Kitty for playing with them! Since you can't have kids of your own! Come on kids! Say Bye bye to Kitty!  
  
KIDS: Bye bye Kitty!  
  
KITTY: Bye bye kids!!! [drowns out Bye bye Kids]  
*************** FANTASY SEQUENCE ENDS ************************  
  
BOB: Yeah. Donna doesn't know. She just got home and everything. Yeah... Kitty I heard about your problem. And I'm sorry. Maybe if you take some medicine it'll go away.   
  
[Everyone stares at him. Kitty starting to get mad and upset. Red looks ready. Joanne and Bob looks scared]  
  
KITTY: OH MY GOD! GET OUT! GET OUT! [points to the door] GET OUT!  
  
[Joanne and Bob get up and run out of the living room front door. Bob stops]  
  
BOB: Thank you for the lovely evening!  
  
[Joanne pulls Bob outside]  
  
RED: [hugs Kitty] Now calm down. Now they won't come back again... [realizes it] Ah well. Too bad then.   
  
KITTY: [looking at door where Bob and Joanne left] Dumbasses!!!  
************************************************  
[Forman Basement. 360 -Circle. Hyde, FEZ, Eric, and Kelso.]  
  
ERIC: Well you guys. Today has been my day. I did not get in trouble at all.   
  
FEZ: Oh Eric. You are so lucky. American boy here ruined my chance with an enchanting goddess. [points to KELSO] Damn you!!! [shakes fingers]  
  
HYDE: [cutting FEZ off] Let me FEZ. [looks at KELSO] You son of a bitch! Heh Heh Yeah... I always wanted to do that.   
  
KELSO: Nu-Uh! I offered to take your troubles away. Fine! This is the last time I'll help you in a situation.   
  
ERIC: You were helping him?  
  
KELSO: Yeah. Sort of. [chuckles] No.   
  
HYDE: [looks at FEZ] May I?  
  
FEZ: Please.   
  
HYDE: [looks at Kelso and does a wet willy, Kelso screams] Heh Heh.. wanted to do that too.   
************************************************  
[Jackie's bedroom. Donna and Jackie are on the bed.]  
  
JACKIE: Donna, I wish Steven would tell me things.   
  
DONNA: I don't see why he should. You're controlling!  
  
JACKIE: I am not! I just want him to tell me everything and then see what I can do about it. Like if he wants to go out with the guys and I want him to spend time with me, he'd spend time with me. If we want to watch a love story instead of horror, we'd watch the - wait. No that won't work.   
  
DONNA: Oh good. At least you draw the line.   
  
JACKIE: No... any place we'd make out.   
  
DONNA: Okay EW.   
  
JACKIE: I wish Steven would tell me things. I mean... I would tell him everything cuz I love hi- anyways... you know what Eric did?  
  
DONNA: Oh my God! You love Hyde?  
  
JACKIE: No I don't! I don't love Steven! I... I... Eric read your diary!  
************************************************ 


	3. Episode 3: What Done is Done

Episode 3: What Done Is Done  
  
*******************************************************************  
[Forman's basement. Hyde, Eric, Donna, and Kelso are all sitting and talking. Donna in uniform.]  
  
DONNA: This sucks. I hate wearing this stupid outfit and I hate that stupid school! I just scratched my leg and she slapped me with a ruler!  
  
KELSO: Naughty girls should be spanked. [smiling at Donna]  
  
DONNA: [hits Kelso] Shut up.   
  
ERIC: I really wish I could see you during school. You know it isn't the same. Yeah... without you.. I'm just a loser with no hot girl in my arms.   
  
DONNA: Well yeah.   
  
HYDE: That's a given.  
  
KELSO: Yeah... that's true.   
  
ERIC: O-K... thank you.   
  
DONNA: Eric, if you really miss me. Come visit me or something, instead of picking me up afterschool.   
  
ERIC: Really?  
  
DONNA: NO! If they caught you, you'd be in big trouble.  
  
ERIC: Oh what are they going to do? Spank me with a ruler. Ooo... Eric likes... [Donna hits him]  
  
DONNA: Shut up! I don't think you'll like the nuns.   
  
KELSO: Yeah. Some nuns are hot!   
  
[Everyone stares at him.]  
  
KELSO: Ye-ah! Look at Sound of Music! Man... Julie Andrews is one of the few of my favorite things.   
  
[CREDITS]  
*******************************************************************  
[Forman's basement. Same as beginning. Jackie and Fez comes in with shopping bags.]  
  
JACKIE: Okay. That's the last time I take you shopping with me! [sits] You wore me out FEZ!  
  
DONNA: FEZ wore you out AT SHOPPING?  
  
JACKIE: Hey! It's been a long day! He had a head start at the stores. Foreigners cheat!  
  
FEZ: Oh you are just upset because the shirt you liked looked better on me than you.   
  
[Everyone stares. FEZ looks uncomfortable.]  
  
FEZ: The manly shirt... because I am a man.   
  
JACKIE: [picks up one bag and walks towards Hyde] Steven, I got you a little something so we can wear to our date tomorrow night at my uncle's party. [gives him box]  
  
HYDE: [takes box] Jackie. Why did you buy me clothes? I have my own. And why would I go to your uncle's party?  
  
JACKIE: Oh please Steven. What you wear aren't clothes, they are rags. These are clothes... what I got you is wonderful! and tomorrow night is my uncle's party! You got to meet him! He's like my second daddy!  
  
HYDE: [opens box and pulls out a white buttoned up 'ruffled shirt'] What the? [disgusted] What the hell is this? [Everyone laughs]  
  
JACKIE: It's a "IN" ruffled shirt! Isn't it fabulous!?  
  
DONNA: Yeah I'm sure Jackie's Uncle would love it.   
  
KELSO: Oh man! You're going to wear that?  
  
ERIC: Hey, Caption Hook called, he wants his shirt back.  
  
JACKIE: I don't see you having good taste!  
  
FEZ: Yes.. Yes... please shut up. This is a beautiful shirt. [FEZ comes up to T-Shirt]  
  
HYDE: [looks at FEZ] Did you pick this?   
  
FEZ: Yes. [Hyde hits him] Ay!  
  
JACKIE: I think it looks wonderful! You should wear it tomorrow night! Right guys?  
  
KELSO/DONNA/ERIC: Yeah... we so think so.   
  
KELSO: Yeah... You'd be the belle of the ball!  
  
HYDE: [throws it back in the box] No way am I wearing that! I'm not even going tomorrow night.   
  
JACKIE: Steven! Why not?  
  
HYDE: Jackie... those social events are not my thing. It's going to be all those rich people walking around talking. It's not my kind of thing. And there's NO WAY I'm wearing that thing.  
  
ERIC: Iy Iy Captain!  
  
DONNA: So what is this event for, Jackie?  
  
JACKIE: My uncle throws big parties every year for the family.  
  
KELSO: Yeah. Last year's party was so fun!  
  
JACKIE: Michael, you pinned down my Uncle!  
  
KELSO: He was carrying a football!  
  
JACKIE: He was showing it to a friend that it was signed by the Packers!  
  
KELSO: He shouldn't be running with it!  
  
JACKIE: Cuz he saw you coming after him!!! [looks at Steven] Steven... it's really important to me. Please. Now! I got to go and call my uncle. So bye. [kisses Hyde and stops at door] Tomorrow night okay? [leaves]  
  
HYDE: Dammit. [talks to himself under his breath]   
  
KELSO: Hyde... are you talking to yourself?  
  
HYDE: No.  
  
KELSO: [TRYING to imitate Hyde] Oh Look at me! I'm Hyde! I'm talking to myself. Hey Eric, look I'm not talking to you! I'm talking to myself. [Hyde hits Kelso]  
  
ERIC: O-k...   
  
FEZ: Oh look! I'm talking to myself. Right FEZ? Shut up you foreigner!!! I'm so sorry. I'll be quiet now. [looks at the ground sadly]  
  
[Everyone stares at FEZ]   
  
DONNA: So Hyde, why don't you want to go?   
  
ERIC: Yeah... you can wear this [grabs shirt] totally cool shirt and hey! Maybe you'll finally defeat Peter Pan.   
  
HYDE: [to Eric] Shut up Wendy!   
  
ERIC: Hey! If I'm any character from Peter Pan, it'd be Peter Pan himself!  
  
HYDE: [looks at Donna] It's just not my thing. Parties aren't my thing. Well... those kinds at least. Kelso, was there beer?  
  
KELSO: No.  
  
HYDE: See. Not my thing.   
  
FEZ: Jackie's not your thing and yet you're with her.   
  
KELSO: [hits FEZ] Leave Jackie out of this. [thinks abou it] Man...   
  
FEZ: [looks at Kelso] Yes Jackie is no longer yours.You must remember.   
  
DONNA: Hyde, I don't see anything wrong with going? It's important to Jackie.  
  
HYDE: I'm not her doll. She doesn't dress me up.   
  
ERIC: Oh... Heidi. She just wants you to look extra pretty!  
  
HYDE: Get Bent.   
*******************************************************************  
[Forman living room. Red is on the couch watching the Packer's game. Kitty comes down with a envelope, excited]  
  
KITTY: RED! RED! RED! [she stands next to Red] Eric got a letter!  
  
RED: Kitty I'm watching the game! Can't you see I don't care for anything dealing with Eric?  
  
KITTY: It's from a college Red.  
  
RED: [throws remote down and jumps up] Let's see it!  
  
KITTY: [laughs] I'm just so excited! I thought it was a little early for colleges to send letters.  
  
RED: [openning letter] Does it matter? The faster he's accepted the faster he's out of the house. [reading letter]  
  
KITTY: [excited, holding hands together] Well? Well?  
  
RED: [looks at Kitty] HE'S IN! HE'S IN! [hugs Kitty] Our son is in... Dunmark U??? [questions]  
  
KITTY: [puzzled] Where the hell is Dunmark U?  
*******************************************************************  
[Hyde's room. Jackie and Hyde are making out. Jackie stops.]  
  
JACKIE: Steven? So are you going tomorrow night?  
  
HYDE: Jackie, I don't think so.   
  
JACKIE: Is it the shirt? I think the shirt looks great!   
  
HYDE: Jackie. It makes me look like a freaking pirate.   
  
JACKIE: Isn't that sexy? Just imagine.   
  
****************************** FANTASY SEQUENCE *************************************  
[On a ship. Hyde is wearing a red captain pirate's costume. He has a pointy mustache and beard. He's wearing a feathered hat and smells the air.]  
  
HYDE: Oh what a lovely day to be sailing. [looking at scope] CREW!  
  
[FEZ, KELSO, and ERIC comes running in pirate costumes.]  
  
FEZ/KELSO/ERIC: Yes Captain?  
  
HYDE: Let us sail! I see there is a fair lady out there! [points]  
  
[Jackie is a mermaid on a rock playing with her hair and smiling.]  
  
FEZ/KELSO/ERIC: Iy Iy Captain.   
  
[They sail over to the rock. Hyde goes on the plank towards the rock to Jackie]  
  
HYDE: Oh fair mermaid. Would you come with me m'lady and we shall sail the seven seas together! [Hyde cuts in] Jackie this is stupid!  
  
JACKIE: Shut up! This is MY fantasy!!! So let it be mine!!! [continues] Oh Captain my captain! Sure!  
  
[Hyde picks her up and carries her on board and puts her into a kiddy pool on the ship.]   
******************************** FANTASY SEQUENCE ENDS ***********************************  
  
HYDE: Stop that!  
  
[Continue to make-out]  
  
*******************************************************************  
[Forman Kitchen. Eric and Donna sitting at the table eating. Kitty comes running in.]  
  
KITTY: ERIC!!!  
  
ERIC: Yeah mom?  
  
KITTY: YOU GOT ACCEPTED TO A COLLEGE!!! [she jumps up and down]  
  
ERIC: [gets up] Really? What college?   
  
KITTY: Dunmark U!  
  
ERIC: [excited] Dunmark U! Dunmark U! WOW! Dunmark U! [looks at Donna and is puzzled] Dunmark U?  
  
DONNA: [shurgs] Congrats Eric! [hugs Eric]  
  
ERIC: Oh wow! [looks at letter] I made it to a college! Donna you got to go here!  
  
DONNA: I never got a letter from them.   
  
ERIC: Wow... Dunmark U! Okay Mom. Where the hell is Dunmark U?  
  
[COMMERCIAL]  
*******************************************************************  
[Forman Basement. 360-Circle. Hyde, FEZ, Eric Kelso.]  
  
HYDE: [holding on to shirt] I can't believe Jackie wants me to wear this.   
  
KELSO: Heh Heh... man. That's even worse than she made me do. [Hyde hits him]  
  
ERIC: Man... that's so true. [chuckles]  
  
KELSO: Look Out Hyde! It's Peter Pan!  
  
HYDE: [hits him] I can't wear this. Here FEZ. [gives it to FEZ]  
  
FEZ: Yeah... just imagine you wearing that.   
  
************************** FANTASY SEQUENCE *****************************************  
[On a ship. Hyde is wearing a captain Pirate costume and feathered hat. He has pointy beard and mustache and a hook.]  
  
HYDE: I'll shall capture that Peter Pan. If it's the last thing I do! Smee!!!   
  
[Eric runs out in a pirate's costume and is scared]  
  
ERIC: Yes Captain Hook?  
  
HYDE: We need a plan to attack Peter Pan. He keeps getting in the way of everything.   
  
ERIC: Yes sir! We have captured Wendy, sir! [Points to Donna, dressed as Wendy, tied to a pole and Kelso dressed in a pirate costume is guarding]  
  
HYDE: Good Good... now we shall wait.  
  
KELSO: Oh look! It's Peter Pan!  
  
[FEZ comes flying in green tights (Peter Pan costume) and kicks Kelso]  
  
FEZ: Ah-hoy Hook!  
  
ERIC: Oh no! What shall we do?!?!  
  
DONNA: Oh Peter! Save me!  
  
HYDE: Peter Pan! You have destroyed my plans once again! Let us duel! [pulls out sword]  
  
FEZ: [pulls out sword] Let's go Codfish!   
  
[HYDE and FEZ duel. Hyde was winning, but then FEZ flies above HYDE and goes behind HYDE and they are on the plank. Then you hear a ticking noise. TIC TOC TIC TOC... HYDE looks scared]  
  
HYDE: SMEEE! It's the croocodile!!!  
  
FEZ: Yes! Codfish! [pushes Hyde and then goes to Wendy and frees her.]  
  
WENDY: [hugs FEZ] Oh Peter! [Fez is smiling.]  
*********************************** FANTASY SEQUENCE ENDS ********************************  
  
HYDE: Fez? Fez?  
  
FEZ: Enough! Codfish!  
*******************************************************************  
[Donna's room. Donna and Eric on the bed.]  
  
ERIC: Donna. I'm so excited to get into this college  
  
DONNA: Eric... I have something to tel you.   
  
ERIC: Yeah?  
  
DONNA: I think that University is fake.   
  
ERIC: [gets up] What?   
  
DONNA: Have you even heard of Dunmark U?  
  
ERIC: No... but it's heard of me!  
  
DONNA: Eric, just don't fall for that... it's a scam.   
  
ERIC: Donna. No. You know what I think is a scam. The fact that I got in and you didn't! You're jealous!  
  
DONNA: Jealous? Of what?  
  
ERIC: That I got into a college and you didn't.   
  
DONNA: Hmm... let me think... Dunmark is NOT a college! What the hell is Dunmark? I wouldn't be the one to worry about getting in or not.   
  
ERIC: What? What did you say?  
  
DONNA: Eric. Listen.   
  
ERIC: No Donna. No [leaves]  
*******************************************************************  
[Forman basement. Jackie, Eric, Kelso, and FEZ are sitting the the basement. Jackie is in Hyde's seat. Eric and FEZ are on the couch. Kelso is on the chair. Hyde comes out of his room wearing a big jacket.]  
  
HYDE: Jackie lets go.   
  
KELSO: Whoa Hyde. Whatcha under the coat?   
  
HYDE: Everything you wish you had.   
  
JACKIE: Nice Burn!  
  
KELSO: Nu-uh!  
  
ERIC: Oh... what is our little Hyde wearing?   
  
FEZ: [shocked] Are you wearing the shirt?  
  
JACKIE: [jumps up] Steven! Are you?  
  
[Hyde sighs and takes off coat, it's the ruffled shirt, but reformed into a cooler way - the sleeves were cut off and has become vest-liked with a T-shirt under.]  
  
HYDE: [Jackie is shocked] What?  
  
JACKIE: STEVEN! What did you do to the beautiful shirt?!?!  
  
HYDE: I made it cool. [smiles]  
  
JACKIE: [angry and grabs his hand] Let's go.   
  
FEZ: Oh aren't they a lovely couple? [sigh] Oh I'm so lonely.   
  
KELSO: [jumps next to Eric] Hey Eric guess what?  
  
ERIC: You read Cosmo?  
  
KELSO: [pauses] No... I got in Dunmark Univeristy too!!  
  
ERIC: [pauses] Oh crap.   
*******************************************************************  
[Pinciotti's kitchen. Donna is at the counter. Eric knocks and comes in.]  
  
ERIC: Donna.  
  
DONNA: Eric.  
  
ERIC: Look Donna. Do you think I'm stupid?  
  
DONNA: No of course not. Well... sometimes you can act like an ass.   
  
ERIC: No I mean. Do you think I won't get into any colleges?  
  
DONNA: Eric. Of course you'll get into colleges. I was just angry and I said some stuff.   
  
ERIC: Donna... you were right. Dunmark is fake. I'm sorry.   
  
DONNA: I'm sorry for saying that you can't get into colleges. You can. I'm sorry Eric. How do you know Dunmark is fake?  
  
ERIC: Oh... a dumb bird told me.   
  
DONNA: Are you okay about it?  
  
ERIC: Yeah... it's fine. [thinks] I think I need a lot of loving and care for this one... [pauses] Yup... I need some loving.  
  
[Donna laughs... They kiss and hug]  
*******************************************************************  
[CREDITS]  
  
[Forman's driveway. Hyde and Jackie get out of Hyde's car.]  
  
JACKIE: Steven, you acted so sweet today!  
  
HYDE: I didn't say anything all day.   
  
JACKIE: I know! That's so sweet!   
  
HYDE: Uh... k  
  
JACKIE: Oh Steven! [wraps her arms around Hyde's neck] You are so sweet!   
  
HYDE: Jackie. What did I tell you about talking?  
  
JACKIE: Don't do it?  
  
HYDE: Exactly. [They kiss, Jackie stops]  
  
JACKIE: See Steven. This is why I .. [HYDE and JACKIE freezes, Jackie realizes what she was going to say] Never mind.   
******************************************************************* 


	4. Episode 4: Hyde's Boat

Episode 4: Hyde Boat  
  
*******************************************************************  
[Forman Kitchen. Red, Hyde, Kitty and Eric are eating breakfast at the table. Red is reading the newspaper.]  
  
ERIC: Dad, the gang is going to visit colleges this weekend, do you mind if I take the car?  
  
KITTY: OooOo... Colleges! How interesting! So Steven, you're thinking about college now! How exciting!  
  
HYDE: Yeah Mrs. Forman. I'm so excited with glee. [sarcastic]  
  
RED: No, have Steven drive.   
  
HYDE: Well Red, I would, but I don't allow idiots in my car for a long period of time.  
  
RED: Good point Steven. No Eric.   
  
ERIC: Dad!  
  
RED: Eric, just have somebody else drive. Like that idiot Kelso.  
  
KITTY: Red, give him the keys.   
  
ERIC: Yeah, the Vista Cruiser was originally mine.   
  
RED: [puts down the paper] Yours? [points] Who pays for the insurance? Who paid for the car? Who pays for the gas? When you have the money to pay for that, then why would you want the Vista Cruiser?  
  
HYDE: Good point Red.   
  
KITTY: [shakes head] Steven...   
  
ERIC: [thinks] The more faster I visit the college and choose, the faster I'll be getting OUT of the house.   
  
RED: [gives keys] Here. [Eric grabs it]  
  
[Credits]  
  
*******************************************************************  
[Jackie's bedroom. Donna and Jackie are on the bed.]  
  
JACKIE: DONNA! I did the most stupidest thing in the world!  
  
DONNA: What have you not done stupid?  
  
JACKIE: [nodds] DON-NA! I ALMOST told Steven I loved him!  
  
DONNA: [starts cracking up] Really? What did he say?  
  
JACKIE: He froze! He kissed me good-night and went to the basement. We haven't talked since! Oh Donna! I almost said it to him!!!  
  
DONNA: Jackie calm down! It's not that bad. He probably couldn't tell.   
  
JACKIE: What do I say to him again? I mean, what if he knew I was going to say it?! What if he freaks out?  
  
DONNA: Hyde's not like that... he keeps his cool.  
  
JACKIE: Yeah. You're right. Hyde's a man. Wow. I'm dating a man. You should try that.   
  
DONNA: Ye-ah. Calm down and just pretend like it never happened. Me and the guys are going to visit the college this weekend. So it'll give you time to think.   
  
JACKIE: THAT'S IT! [points] I'll just be my normal pretty self and you can be your scary tall self. [Donna hits Jackie] Ow! See! Scary!  
  
*******************************************************************  
[Forman's basement. Hyde and Eric. Hyde comes out of his room putting on a jacket. Eric is looking at college flyers.]  
  
ERIC: Man, I can't wait to go visit University of Wisconsin!  
  
HYDE: Yeah, just when we thought we'd get away from here. We find out... we're staying here.   
  
ERIC: It won't be that bad. At least you'll be closer to Jackie. [mocks Hyde] Your Loooouuuuvvvveeeee! [does kissy faces]  
  
HYDE: [hits Eric] Shut your piehole Forman.   
  
ERIC: Why should I? You looooooouuuuuuvvvvvveee her!   
  
HYDE: Whatevers man. I have everything and everyone. I don't love anyone.  
  
ERIC: Uh-oh... Hyde's in loooouuuuuvvvveeee!!! [Hyde laughs] What?  
  
HYDE: Just wondering if your lips could reach up your ass.  
  
ERIC: Why would you think - okay ow... I'm gonna stop now.   
  
[FEZ and Kelso comes in.]  
  
KELSO: Okay! We're ready to go!  
  
FEZ: Yes! Let's go see those college whores!  
  
ERIC: Yeah... no... we have to wait for Donna.  
  
HYDE: She's coming?  
  
ERIC: Of course. I told you. We want to go try to go to the same colleges.  
  
[Donna comes in]  
  
DONNA: Hey guys! Ready to roll.  
  
KELSO: YEAH! WE'RE GOING TO COLLEGE!   
  
FEZ: Let the whore times roll!!! [pauses] Did I say that correctly?   
  
[All leave to Forman's driveway. As they begin to leave. Jackie comes.]  
  
JACKIE: Steven!  
  
HYDE: [walks to her] Yeah?   
  
JACKIE: Have fun!  
  
HYDE: Sure.   
  
JACKIE: But not too much fun!  
  
HYDE: Okay.  
  
JACKIE: You know... hanging with the guys- NO GIRLS- fun!  
  
KELSO: Hurry up Hyde! We got to go! To W-U!!!  
  
FEZ: Yes! W-U! Whore University!  
  
ERIC: It's Wisconsin University.  
  
FEZ: Oh screw that.   
  
[Hyde shrugs goes into the car, they leave and Jackie is left in the driveway]  
  
*******************************************************************  
[Forman Kitchen. Kitty is making herself a sandwich. The food is on the counter... she puts a two slices of ham on the bread, then puts bread on top of the ham... she looks at it and then puts two slices of ham over the bread and covers it with bread... then she stares at it and puts more ham and bread on it. She finally puts the stuff away and puts the sandwich on the table. She sits and takes a bit of the tall sandwich. Then she chews and gives up]  
  
KITTY: Oh forget it! [pushes plate away]  
  
[Jackie comes in through the sliding door]  
  
JACKIE: Mrs. Forman.   
  
KITTY: Oh hi Jackie. [laughs] What brings you here? Steven isn't here? He left with the group to go visit a college.   
  
JACKIE: I know. I just came here for advice.   
  
KITTY: Oh sure. Sit! [Jackie sits] Want a sandwich?  
  
JACKIE: No thanks Mrs. Forman. I made a BIG mistake.   
  
KITTY: [scared] Oh dear! Are you pregnant?!?! Oh... my.. gosh... you're lucky!  
  
JACKIE: Oh noooo...   
  
KITTY: [relieved in a way] Oh good! Well dear if you want condoms.. Eric has a whole bag in his room.   
  
JACKIE: EW! Mrs. Forman No!  
  
KITYY: Well it's for your own good!  
  
JACKIE: I almost said I love you to Steven.  
  
KITTY: [laughs] Oh Jackie.  
  
JACKIE: [looks serious] I'm serious Mrs. Forman. I almost told him I loved him! [Stares at table] I would bang my head, but it's too pretty to be hit.   
  
KITTY: [regains herself] Oh... did he understand what you were trying to say?  
  
JACKIE: [sad] No. [thinks] I don't know why he wouldn't say it to me?  
  
KITTY: Now calm down.   
  
JACKIE: [grabs the sandwich and starts eating] I don't get it? Why didn't he say it? Mmm... this would go great with milk! [Kitty runs up and gets milk]  
  
*******************************************************************  
[College. Hyde, Eric, Donna, FEZ, and Kelso are in a recreation room.]  
  
FEZ: [reads Recreation Room] Oooh Look! They have a room just for sex! See! [points] Re-Creation Room. They make babies in here.  
  
DONNA: It's recreation. It's a place to relax in. [walks in]  
  
KELSO: Yeah [sits on a chair next to the couch] I can relax here all day.  
  
[Hyde sits on the opposite side of the where Kelso is sitting, next to the couch. FEZ, Donna and Eric sits on the couch. - Looks like they are in Eric's basement]   
  
FEZ: This feels nice.   
  
KELSO: Yup. Things are going to be different in college.   
  
HYDE: You guys. Doesn't this seem familar?  
  
[Everyone shakes their head no]  
  
ERIC: Yup! [puts feet on table] Totally different.   
  
DONNA: Eric. I'm going to go to the bathroom. [gets up and leaves]  
  
KELSO: Eric... you've been bringing Donna everywhere! We're not going to have fun with our college outing!  
  
ERIC: Whu-What? What are you guys talking about?  
  
HYDE: I didn't bring Jackie here.   
  
KELSO: It's not good that she's with you everywhere all the time!!! Next thing you'll know... CLINGLY!  
  
FEZ: Yes and now you cannot join our fun.   
  
KELSO: Scooping out the ladies.   
  
HYDE: Amazingly enough... Kelso's got a point.   
  
KELSO: YES! See!  
  
FEZ: Wow... this does feel different.   
  
KELSO: Thank you!  
  
ERIC: Hyde... you're going to check out other girls?  
  
HYDE: I'm just going to kick back and relax and watch them come to me.   
  
FEZ: Yes, we shall all relax in the Re-creation room.   
  
[Commercial]  
  
*******************************************************************  
[Kitty's bedroom. Jackie and Kitty are on Jackie's bed. Zoom on Jackie's face]  
  
JACKIE: You were right Mrs. Forman. I feel much better. Thank you so much for everything.   
  
KITTY: [voice only] It's no problem at all Jackie.  
  
JACKIE: I just hope you like what I've done to your hair. [Zooms out, Kitty's hair is in big curls] Thank you for this.  
  
KITTY: Dear... as long as you're feeling better.  
  
JACKIE: I am! I don't need an I love you from the man I love. [pulls hard]  
  
KITTY: Jackie... Ow...   
  
JACKIE: Sorry Mrs. Forman. It's just so hard being with a man who you don't know loves you or not.   
  
KITTY: Well... the first time Red said I love you was on our one year anniversary dating.   
  
JACKIE: Hmm... I can see that we're not talking about me now, so what do you think about my hair?  
  
[Kitty dazes off]  
  
**************** PAST SEQUENCE **************************  
[In a cool joint. Looks like Hub. Kitty in a poodle skirt and is dancing to the music. Red comes in in a soldier suit.]  
  
KITTY: Oh Red! It's so great to see you! So... how was war? You had a good time? [Laughs]  
  
RED: If you call bullets flying over our heads and gernades blasting everywhere fun... then sure.   
  
KITTY: Wow Red! I've missed you.   
  
RED: Kitty. I've missed you too. I've been meaning to tell you this for quite some time...   
  
KITTY: Yes Red? [stares into his eyes]  
  
RED: It's just... [stumbling]  
  
KITTY: What Red? What?  
  
[Frank dressed as a soldier comes in.]  
  
FRANK: RED! Come quick! We're getting word about what's going on at the station!  
  
RED: [looks at Frank] Ah Damn. [looks at Kitty] I got to take this.   
  
KITTY: But Red! What do you have to tell me!  
  
RED: [runs to Frank] Kitty... I love you! [leaves]  
  
KITTY: [runs to door and is outside screaming] I love you too RED! I love you too!  
  
RED: [comes back] Kitty... After being at war for so long... When we get married... I want a son... and he better not be a sissy boy! [kisses her and leaves]  
  
[Kitty is dazed]  
************* PAST SEQUENCE ENDS *********************  
  
JACKIE: Mrs. Forman! Mrs. Forman!   
  
KITTY: [not paying attention to Jackie] Oh Red... I love you too!  
  
JACKIE: Voila! [hands Kitty mirror]  
  
[Kitty's hair is sticking up in big curls. Looks funny. The curls are pointy in one direction, making her hair look like ears.]  
  
KITTY: Oh Jackie... I don't know what to say.  
  
JACKIE: Don't thank me! I know it's beautiful! Oh wow! I can't wait til Mr. Forman sees it!  
  
KITTY: Oh God...  
  
*******************************************************************  
[Recreation Room. Party. People are all over. Hyde is sitting in a chair next to the couch, drinking a beer. FEZ is dancing and scooping the ladies. Kelso is placing his arms around girls and is getting rejected. Eric and Donna are on ANOTHER the couch.]  
  
GIRL: [to Hyde] Hey! I love your hair! [smiles] Wanna come to my room? I want to show you something.   
  
HYDE: No thanks. I'm fine here.   
  
[Girls leaves. FEZ comes in]  
  
FEZ: What happened?!?!  
  
HYDE: She wore a 'LOVE BOAT' shirt. I can't be with a girl who likes the LOVE BOAT...   
  
FEZ: Yet, Jackie loves Unicorns and [gasp] YOU LOVE JACKIE!  
  
HYDE: Shut your piehole.  
  
FEZ: I'm sorry. Jackie Lover.   
  
HYDE: [pretends to look through FEZ] FEZ! I think I see a naked chick there! [points to crowd]  
  
FEZ: [turns and run] Where?!?!  
  
[Eric and Donna are talking on the OTHER couch.]  
  
ERIC: You want a drink? [starts to get up]  
  
DONNA: Sure. I'll come with you. [starts to get up]  
  
ERIC: [hesitates] No. It's okay. I can get it by myself.   
  
DONNA: I know. but I want to go with you.   
  
ERIC: [stops and sighs] Okay Look Donna.You can't keep following me all over the place.  
  
DONNA: [annoyed] Excues me? Following YOU all over the place?  
  
ERIC: [notices what he said] Just kidding... I... love you? [laughs nervously]  
  
DONNA: Fine. I won't follow you. [walks away]  
  
ERIC: No Donna! Wait. Damn! [walks to the punch bowl]  
  
[Back to Hyde. Donna comes and sees girls hitting on Hyde]  
  
HYDE: [to girl] No thanks. [girl leaves]  
  
DONNA: [walks to Hyde] Wow. So many girls you turned down.  
  
HYDE: Donna. I'm not keeping track of the SEVEN girls who offered a quick fixed.   
  
DONNA: Oh? Could it be because of Jackie?  
  
HYDE: [gets up and gets another beer] No. Why the hell would it be?  
  
DONNA: I don't know. You tell me. [she smiles] You LOOOVVVEEE her!  
  
HYDE: [looks at her. puts beer down hard] Damn Forman told you.  
  
[Kelso comes behind Hyde trying to get a beer. Hyde doesn't see him]  
  
DONNA: So is it true? You love her?  
  
HYDE: [shakes head] I guess so   
  
[Kelso makes a angry face. Donna sees him and is wide eyed. Hyde notices it.]  
  
HYDE: Kelso's behind me, huh? [Donna nodds]  
  
KELSO: [shrieks] WHAT?!?!?!  
  
HYDE: [turns around] Hey man!  
  
KELSO: You love her?!?! [Hyde remains quiet] OkaY! That draws the line!!! First you messed around with her! Then you didn' tell me! Then you started LIKING each other! Then became BOYFRIEND and GIRLFRIEND. Now you LOVE her???   
  
[Everyone is surrounding them now. Including Eric who comes next to Donna]  
  
HYDE: You can say that. Yeah.   
  
KELSO: Of all the lowest things you can do HYDE!!! And I mean LOW! Like Below the belt low!!!  
  
[Hyde is looking away accepting this, but has his fists clenched. Hyde is holding his anger. Eric is getting mad at Kelso]  
  
ERIC: [goes up to Kelso] Yeah you know what Kelso. Yeah. Hyde loves Jackie and I don't know why and if that's possible. But by God, he does!   
  
KELSO: ERIC! I didn't think the relationship was serious...  
  
FEZ: Yeah... it was pretty creepy... but now you [to Hyde] loves her and that's okay.  
  
KELSO: No it's not! You betrayed me.   
  
HYDE: Look man. I don't want to fight. God knows what I can do to you.   
  
KELSO: [points to Hyde] You're a bad bad bad friend! Bad!  
  
ERIC: No Kelso! No! You're the bad friend. I know the whole Jackie and Hyde thing is crazy.  
  
FEZ: VERY!  
  
ERIC: Thank you. Very crazy... but GET OVER IT.  
  
DONNA: Yeah, you and Jackie are over.  
  
ERIC: You left her. Now Hyde, YOUR friend, has her. Who cares? Far be it that it's Jackie. You left her and all she wanted to do was... be... with... you [looks at Donna] Donna. I'm sorry. I'm a idiot.   
  
DONNA: I know. [walks to Eric] It's okay.  
  
ERIC: No... Not it's not okay. You're not clingy... I don't know what came over me. I'm sorry. I know you want to be with me. I'm sorry.   
  
DONNA: Come on Eric. Let's leave these boys alone. [They walk away]  
  
KELSO: [to Hyde] This isn't over.   
  
[Girls comes up to Kelso.]  
  
GIRL: I heard what happened. I'm sorry what happened to you. [puts arms around Kelso]  
  
KELSO: Well... yes... [to Hyde] It's over for now! [goes to girl] As I was saying...  
  
*******************************************************************  
[Living room. Red is sitting on his chair. Kitty opens the door with a shaw on and tries to run upstairs. Red notices]  
  
RED: Hello Kitty.   
  
KITTY: [stops] Oh Hi Red.  
  
RED: What's with the shaw?  
  
KITTY: Oh you know kids! It's in! It's out!  
  
RED: Kitty... take it off.  
  
KITTY: Now RED! I'll be back!  
  
RED: Kitty. Take it off. [Kitty takes it off. The hair is revealed] Why Kitty... umm... how lovely...  
  
KITTY: [relieved] Really Red?  
  
RED: Yeah... [Kitty hugs Red]  
  
KITTY: Oh thank GOD! [she runs upstairs]  
  
RED: [after she's out of sight] What the hell was that? Crazy psycho menopause... I didn't know it affected the hair too. Dammit.   
  
*******************************************************************  
[Forman Driveway. They came back and Jackie is waiting. They get out of the car.]  
  
JACKIE: Hello Steve. You have a GOOD TIME??? [questions]  
  
HYDE: Yeah It was cool.   
  
JACKIE: So... what happened?  
  
HYDE: Oh same oh.   
  
JACKIE: [sees Donna doing the 'it's okay' sign] Oh... that's great to hear. Well Steven. Do you think we can go out tonight?   
  
HYDE: Sure.  
  
JACKIE: Great! I want to buy this LOVE BOAT shirt I've been having my eye on for weeks!  
  
HYDE: [nodds] That's cool. [They walk out together]  
  
FEZ: [watches them leave] Aww... [sigh] Hyde loves her.   
  
[Credits]  
  
*******************************************************************  
[Kitchen Table. Red, Hyde, Kitty, Eric. Kitty has the hairdo still. Everyone is staring at her]  
  
RED: Eric Stop looking at your mother.   
  
KITTY: You know. Its okay. I'm fine with it.   
  
[Hyde is staring at her hair]  
  
KITTY: [snaps] STOP LOOKING LIKE I'M A FREAKING STATUE!!!   
  
[Hyde looks away. Eric stares]  
  
RED: Eric. Stop it.  
  
ERIC: Sorry Mom. So... what's up? [innocently]  
  
[Everyone stares at him]  
******************************************************************* 


	5. Episode 5: Memories in a Book

Episode 5: Memories in a Book  
  
[Forman's kitchen. Morning. Red, Hyde, Kitty and Eric are at the kitchen table eating breakfast.]  
  
RED: Steven, pass the syrup. [Hyde gives him the syrup]  
  
ERIC: Mom, is there anymore butter?  
  
KITTY: In the fridge dear. [Eric gets up and goes to the refridgerator and opens it looking for the butter. He grabs it and closes the refridgerator and walks back to the table]  
  
HYDE: [eating] This is good Mrs. Forman. What's the special occasion?  
  
KITTY: No reason boys.  
  
RED: [drops fork and spoon] Uh-oh. Pancakes. [starts to get up]  
  
KITTY: Red SIT! So boys I was going through some of the things in the attic and I need some help carrying them to the church to donate... [Red, Hyde and Eric begin to leave]  
  
ERIC: I got to go to study.  
  
HYDE: Me too!  
  
RED: Gotta work to get money!  
  
KITTY: [menopausal] FREEZE! I WANT YOU ALL TO GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE THOSE BOXES DOWN NOW!!! [Hyde, Eric, and Red walk to the living room and Kitty calms down] Thank you boys for helping me. [laughs and then menopausal] NOW!   
  
HYDE: Well... I guess we're helping.   
  
ERIC: Dad, I'm scared.   
  
RED: Don't let the enemy win. Don't show any signs of fear.   
  
[Hyde and Eric nodd and walk with Red out the kitchen to the living room]  
  
[CREDITS]  
*******************************************************  
[Forman Attic. Red, Hyde, and Eric are looking through boxes]  
  
RED: Well boys. I expect this to be done for Kitty soon. [starts to leave]  
  
ERIC: Wait dad. You're not going to help?   
  
RED: Well, Eric... how can I explain this - no. [leaves]  
  
ERIC: I guess it's just us then.   
  
HYDE: [looks through boxes] Damn. Look at this stuff Forman. [pulls out a blond doll and laughs] Damn Laurie must of forgotten about this.   
  
ERIC: [grabs it and holds it] Yeah... she probably did. [laughs nervously] Stupid doll.  
  
[Hyde looks away and Eric hugs it tightly]  
  
HYDE: [looks down and finds yearbooks] Whoa! Look at this. [grabs one and sits on a box and looks through it] It's Red's yearbook.  
  
ERIC: [puts doll down gently and sits next to Hyde looking with him] Wow. This must be really old.   
  
HYDE: Yeah it is. I didn't know they had yearbooks for your dad's time.   
  
ERIC: [takes yearbook and puts it on his lap] Look! There's my dad. OH MY GOD! HE HAS HAIR! Who's that hot girl - Okay EW!  
  
HYDE: Forman! You just called your mom hot!  
  
ERIC: Hey look. People signed the yearbook.[reads] "Dearest Red, I want to tell you I had the best years with you and last night was the absolute best of all time.  
  
HYDE: Go Red!  
  
ERIC: Okay... Ew! [continues to read] You mean so much to me and I hope I mean a lot to you. Love, Maggie Sue.   
  
HYDE/ERIC: Maggie Sue?!?!  
*******************************************************  
[Forman Basement. Donna and FEZ are watching TV. Donna and FEZ are on the couch. Donna at one end and FEZ on the other. He is eating candy.]  
  
KELSO: [runs in from the door] Hey you guys!  
  
DONNA: Hey Kelso. What have you been up to?  
  
KELSO: Well. I was thinking.   
  
[Donna and FEZ shriek]   
  
FEZ: What have you done to Kelso?   
  
DONNA: Kelso are you okay?  
  
KELSO: Yeah... I'm fine. [pauses] Yeah... I seriously need to get over Jackie! [sits on side chair]  
  
DONNA: That's good to hear.   
  
FEZ: Yes and Hyde loves her.   
  
KELSO: FEZ! [hits FEZ]  
  
FEZ: Ai! Why must I get punished for Hyde loving Jackie?  
  
KELSO: [hits FEZ] FEZ!  
  
DONNA: Fez means to forget about her. She moved on and you should too.   
  
KELSO: Yeah! Exactly. I'll just move on.  
  
DONNA: That's great. So what are you going to do?  
  
KELSO: Well. I do have the three things that women want. I'm hot and I'm smart. So yeah.  
  
FEZ: Yes... every woman wants those THREE things...   
*******************************************************  
[Forman Attic. Same spots.]  
  
ERIC: My dad was cheating on my mom. That bastard!  
  
HYDE: [turns to see Maggie Sue's picture] I can see why. Whoa. Maggie's hot.   
  
ERIC: [gets up] I don't get it. Wasn't mom enough for him?   
  
HYDE: Forman. It was a long time ago. Who cares? He's married your mom.   
  
ERIC: Still. It's not right! He shouldn't had done that to my mom.   
  
HYDE: Look Forman. Quit acting like a ass. This was when they were high school centuries ago. There's nothing you could do about it.   
  
ERIC: [hand gestures] I got to confront Red. He should know that I know what he knows.   
  
HYDE: Don't get into his business. [looking through some boxes and pulls out various stuff]  
  
ERIC: Oh I'll get into his business! Like when Luke got into Vader's business!!!   
  
[Hyde groans, Eric gets doll and hugs it tightly]  
*******************************************************  
[The Hub. Kelso comes in and runs his hand through his hair. He sees the back of a pretty girl with dark hair in the corner. He goes to her and leans on the wall]  
  
KELSO: Hey pretty lady. I'm Kelso. You can have your very own Kelso to take home for yourself.   
  
[Girl turns and it's Jackie]  
  
JACKIE: Michael!  
  
KELSO: JACKIE! Oh, um... [runs out]  
*******************************************************  
[School. Kelso comes in and runs his hand through his hair. He sees the back of a ANOTHER pretty girl with dark hair in the corner. He goes to her and leans on the wall]  
  
KELSO: Hey. What's a pretty girl like you doing without a guy like me?  
  
[Girl turns and it's Jackie]  
  
JACKIE: Michael stop it!  
  
KELSO: Jackie! I- I- [runs away]  
*******************************************************  
[The Mall. Kelso comes in and runs his hand through his hair. He sees the back of a ANOTHER pretty girl with dark hair in the corner. He goes to her and leans on the wall]  
  
KELSO: Hey pretty lady! How's it going in your neck of the woods? Want me to check?  
  
[Girl turns and it's Jackie]  
  
JACKIE: MICHAEL! [she hits him]  
  
KELSO: [covers eye] Ow My eye! [runs away]  
*******************************************************  
[The Hub. Kelso comes in and runs his hand through his hair. He sees the back of a pretty girl with dark hair in the corner. He goes to her and leans on the wall and looks at the girl's face and it's NOT Jackie, but looks like Jackie]  
  
JAMIE: [notices Kelso trying to check her out] Yes?  
  
KELSO: [he is awestruck] Hi. I'm Kelso.  
  
JAMIE: Hi. I'm Jamie. [They both shake hands and smile to each other]  
[Commercial]  
*******************************************************  
[Forman Living Room. Red is on his chair reading the newspaper. Eric comes down from the stairs and brings the yearbook. He grabs the newspaper and tosses it and puts the yearbook on Red's lap]  
  
ERIC: Okay Mister! Explain this! [points to Maggie Sue's note]  
  
RED: Would you look at that... My high school yearbook!   
  
ERIC: Yeah! Who's Maggie Sue?!?! [points] You cheated on mom when you were in high school!!!  
  
RED: [rolls eyes] Oh geez. Sit down dumbass. Let me explain some things to you.   
  
ERIC: [sits] Who was she, dad? A fling when you were with mom?!?!  
  
RED: Let me explain something to you Eric. I love your mother very much.  
  
ERIC: And yet you do this insanity to mom!  
  
[Kitty enters. She's complaining.]  
  
KITTY: Oh my God! It's HOT in here! RED! Did you check the air conditioner?   
  
RED: Yes dear.   
  
KITTY: Good! Because I can't stand it in here anymore! [looks at Eric] AND YOU! CUT YOUR HAIR!!! [goes upstairs]  
  
RED: If someone is insane, it's your mother.  
  
ERIC: So dad. Why did you do it? Wasn't mom good enough for you?   
  
RED: Eric. Your mother means everything to me. I never cheated on her.   
  
ERIC: Then what is this my dearest Red!  
  
RED: [reads and laugh] You are one dumbass.   
  
ERIC: [confused] What?  
  
RED: I never cheated on your mother. I helped Maggie Sue with a problem she had. I took care of her. She was like a sister to me.   
  
ERIC: What about the best night she ever had?!?!  
  
RED: I took her to a football game.   
  
ERIC: What about you mean a lot to her?  
  
RED: I have that affect on people.   
  
ERIC: [starts laughing] yeah, well.  
  
RED: Shut up.  
  
ERIC: Yeah I'm gonna go now.   
*******************************************************  
[Forman basement. Hyde, Jackie, Eric, Donna and Fez are sitting and doing nothing. Hyde is on his chair. Jackie is on his lap, Eric and Donna are next to each other on the couch. Fez is next to Donna. Kelso comes in and is smiling]  
  
KELSO: Guess what happened you guys?  
  
HYDE: You got VD?  
  
ERIC: You gave someone VD?  
  
FEZ: You're gay?  
  
KELSO: [pauses] No... I met a girl! Her name is Jamie! She's so HOT and... is so hot!  
  
DONNA: Wait. Did you get to talk to her?  
  
KELSO: Yeah... I don't know.. whatever. She's hot.   
  
JACKIE: Michael... did you remember what you and her talked about?  
  
KELSO: Of course I do Jackie! I was a great boyfriend. I listened to all that junk that you said.   
  
JACKIE: [Hyde and Jackie get up. Hyde gets a popsicle. Jackie sits next to Eric] Really Michael?  
  
KELSO: [looks at Jackie, not paying attention to her] What Jackie?  
  
JACKIE: Michael, don't you know that a key to a good relationship is listening. Right, Steven?  
  
HYDE: [closes the ice chest] You said something Jackie? [Jackie glares at him]  
  
FEZ: So you did not know a thing she was saying... that's not good Kelso.  
  
KELSO: Well Duh FEZ! She was hot!   
  
DONNA: You only like her because she's hot? What if her personality is terrible? Is that all that matters to you?   
  
KELSO: Well.. [pauses] yeah.   
  
FEZ: You so shallow.   
  
KELSO: I am not! I like looks only!  
  
ERIC: So when are you going to see her again?   
  
KELSO: Oh, we planned to meet at the movies later tonight. [looks at Jackie] Did I mention she was hot?  
  
JACKIE: Yes Michael, but she gets less hot the more you talk about her!   
  
KELSO: Yeah... she is hot, isn't she? [puts his arm around Jackie] Jackie... I think we should move on and start seeing other people...  
  
JACKIE: [looks at him and then at Hyde] Okay. If that's what you want.   
  
KELSO: Good. Good. [moves away from Jackie] I got to go see my HOT date now! [leaves through front door]   
  
HYDE: Hey Forman. You forgot your doll. [grabs it from a box in the basement and tosses it to Eric]  
  
ERIC: What? What are you talking about? This isn't mine!  
  
JACKIE: [Takes it.] Oh it's so pretty.  
  
DONNA: Eric, this was yours?   
  
ERIC: It's not mine! [grabs the doll] and stop messing up Miss Sally's hair!  
  
FEZ: Oh Eric. It's okay for boys to play with girly dolls in my country.   
  
ERIC: Really?  
  
FEZ: Yes, but we are in America, so you are not a man!  
*******************************************************  
[Forman Attic. Red is sitting on a box and looking through the yearbooks. Kitty comes up and sees Red reading signatures.]  
  
KITTY: Looking through old memories?   
  
RED: Yeah. Oh how I miss those years.  
  
KITTY: [sits next to Red and grabs a yearbook] Oh look at this one. [laughs] There's you. Oh and you have hair. [laughs] Don't you wish we could go back to these times and just live them over again?  
  
RED: Yeah... but I would change something.   
  
KITTY: What's that?  
  
RED: No kids.   
*******************************************************  
[CREDIT]  
[The Theater. Kelso is waiting for Jamie. He sees her and she's goes to him.]  
  
JAMIE: Hey Kelso.   
  
KELSO: Hey Jamie! I got tickets to the movies!  
  
JAMIE: Really? Thanks! [takes them] Roger is going to love it!  
  
KELSO: Roger?   
  
JAMIE: Yeah, my boyfriend. Were you listening?   
  
KELSO: No!  
  
JAMIE: Why not?  
  
KELSO: Cuz you're hot!  
  
ROGER: [comes and puts arm around Jamie] Hey Kelso, is it?  
  
JAMIE: I told you we all should hang out.   
  
KELSO: No you didn't. You said - you're hot!!! [leaves] 


	6. Episode 6: Thanksgiving Special

Episode 6: Thanksgiving Special  
  
*********************************************  
[Forman Kitchen. Kitty is cooking. Music is on and she is dancing to the music. Eric and Donna come in holding hands.]  
  
ERIC: Mom.   
  
[Kitty turns around and is startled]  
  
KITTY: Oh Eric! Don't ever do that again!   
  
ERIC: Sorry mom. I won't come into the kitchen ever again.  
  
KITTY: No I mean - oh never mind. What do you kids want? You ready for Thanksgiving?  
  
ERIC: Yeah mom. That's why Donna is here. She wants to ask you something.   
  
DONNA: I want to help you with Thanksgiving dinner Mrs. Forman.  
  
[Kitty looks at her and laughs]   
  
KITTY: Oh Donna [laughs] Good one! I almost fell for it!  
  
DONNA: [serious] What?!  
  
[Kitty notices that Donna is serious and stops laughing]  
  
KITTY: Oh Goody! [laughs]  
  
[CREDITS]  
*********************************************  
[Jackie's room. Jackie and Hyde are sitting on her bed talking]  
  
JACKIE: Steven! Thanksgiving will be our first holiday together! Isn't that exciting?  
  
HYDE: Oh yeah. There's nothing like a big, giant turkey that says "togetherness."  
  
JACKIE: It's going to be romantic. You and me... together!  
  
HYDE: Yeah... whatever.   
  
******FANTASY SEQUENCE*********  
[A nice dining room. Jackie is sitting at one end of the table and Hyde is sitting at the other. FEZ is the butler and he brings the HUGE turkey. He is winded.]  
  
FEZ: Here is your turkey Master Hyde.   
  
HYDE: Thank you Butler Fez! You may go now.   
  
FEZ: As you wish Master.   
  
JACKIE: Oh Steven! This is the biggest turkey I've ever seen! I can't eat this! It'll ruin my figure!  
  
HYDE: Oh Jackie. I have a surprise.   
  
[Hyde cuts the turkey and the inside is hollow and there are jewerly in there for Jackie]  
  
JACKIE: Oh Steven! You remembered!!!  
  
HYDE: How could I not? It was our first holiday TOGETHER!   
  
[Jackie and Hyde laugh]  
******FANTASY SEQUENCE ENDS******  
  
HYDE: Okay...  
  
[Jackie smiles and kisses him]  
*********************************************  
[Forman's basement. Eric, Fez, and Kelso. Eric and Fez are on the couch. Kelso is on the chair reading a magazine.]  
  
KELSO: So Eric, where's Donna?  
  
ERIC: Oh. She's helping my mom cook Thanksgiving dinner.  
  
KELSO/FEZ: Donna's cooking?!?!  
  
KELSO: Please uninvite me to Thanksgiving.  
  
ERIC: You weren't invited?  
  
KELSO: [pauses] Well... I was going to go anyways.   
  
ERIC: What?[looks at them] What's wrong with Donn'a cooking?  
  
KELSO: [puts magazine down and stands up] I don't know Eric... EVERYTHING!  
  
FEZ: She does make a mean chicken soup...  
  
ERIC: See! Fez likes her cooking!  
  
FEZ: Like it? Who said I like it?  
  
ERIC: You did! You said it was a mean chicken soup.  
  
FEZ: Yes. Mean to my tummy. Oh no. [holds his tummy] It's remembering it. [Runs out through door]  
  
KELSO: See! You gotta stop Donna from cooking Thanksgiving Dinner!  
  
ERIC: You're right. I got to stop her. What am I going to do?  
  
[Hyde enters from door]  
  
HYDE: Hey you guys. [he rumages through stuff in the basement]  
  
ERIC: Hyde. What are you doing?  
  
HYDE: I need to find something for Jackie. [comes in front of his chair] She has this whole fixation about how this is our first holiday together and we should celebrate it.   
  
KELSO: So what do you have for her?  
  
HYDE: [holding vase and old scarf] So far crap. [puts it down and sits down] What the hell am I doing?  
  
KELSO: Well Hyde. Sorry to tell you this... [laughs] You're whipped!  
  
ERIC: [laughs] That's so true!  
  
HYDE: Shut up. I am not. If someone is whipped, she is.   
  
KELSO: That's what I said... but you all knew Jackie controlled what we did. Even doing it!   
  
ERIC: [nodds] That's true.   
  
HYDE: Whatever. I'm not going to do anything. [relaxes] So what's for dinner?  
  
KELSO: Donna's cooking.  
  
HYDE: So pizza it is!  
  
[Eric does the 'whatever' and swings his hands up]  
*********************************************  
[Forman Kitchen. Donna is stirring the stuffing mix. Kitty is preparing the turkey.]  
  
DONNA: Alright Mrs. Forman. Done with the stuffing!  
  
KITTY: [looks at the brown stuffing] Oh thank you dear! It looks lovely. Now [goes next to Donna] all you need to do is put it in the turkey!  
  
DONNA: That doesn't sound hard.   
  
KITTY: Sure isn't!  
  
[Kitty brings the turkey to Donna. The end of the turkey is facing Donna]  
  
KITTY: Now... stuff it!  
  
DONNA: [grossed out] In there?!?!   
*********************************************  
[Forman Dining Room. Red and Eric are setting up the table for dinner.]  
  
RED: So all your dumbass friends are coming?  
  
ERIC: No dad, but Kelso, Donna, Jackie, and Fez are coming.   
  
RED: So they are coming.   
  
ERIC: Yeah dad. Sure.   
  
RED: Why do they always have to come to our home? Don't they have their own families? It's like feeding a homeless shelther!  
  
ERIC: Bob's coming too.  
  
RED: Ah damn. Don't I have anything to be thankful for?  
  
ERIC: So Dad... are you okay with Donna cooking?  
  
RED: Oh Eric. Quit being a man. Suck it up! Donna's cooking can't be that bad.   
  
ERIC: Dad remember the time when I came home early from school and I stayed at home for two days puking.   
  
RED: Yeah?  
  
ERIC: Donna made me lunch.   
  
RED: Oh God.   
  
[Commercial]  
*********************************************  
[Forman Kitchen. Donna and Kitty are cooking. Eric comes in the room from the living room.]  
  
ERIC: Donna. Can we talk?   
  
[They both look at Kitty.]  
  
KITTY: I get it. You two want to be alone. Fine! [goes to the living room]  
  
ERIC: Donna... I don't think you should help my mom with Thanksgiving Dinner.   
  
DONNA: Why not?  
  
ERIC: Well... you know how you told me to be honest.   
  
DONNA: Yeah. Unless it's stupid.   
  
ERIC: Oh. Well. Why help my mom? She doesn't need help!  
  
DONNA: What are you trying to say Eric? [shock] Are you saying I can't cook?  
  
ERIC: No Donna. No. You can cook!   
  
DONNA: All right then! Let me continue cooking! Call your mom back in here!   
  
[Eric rushes and Mrs. Forman comes in and smiles nervously.]  
  
DONNA: Men! Those bastards!  
  
[FEZ comes in through the sliding door.]  
  
FEZ: Hello Mrs. Forman.  
  
KITTY: Oh hi Fez! The boys are in the room. You go right ahead. [to Donna] Donna. I'm running low on pumpkin, I'm going to run to the store. Now you'll be in charge of this for now. [leaves]  
  
DONNA: [scared] Mrs. Forman! Are you sure? Cuz I can run to the store!  
  
KITTY: No need! [gone]  
  
DONNA: Damn! [looks at turkey end and just tosses stuffing in the turkey's end]  
  
FEZ: [sees Donna] Well Well Donna. I know what I'm thankful for!  
  
DONNA: [hits him] Shut up. Mrs. Forman is counting on me to get this done!  
  
FEZ: Oh I see. [tastes the stuffing] Oh Donna.  
  
DONNA: [hoping to get a good reaction] What?  
  
FEZ: What have you done to the turkey!?! [he grabs the stuffing in the bowl and starts cooking himself]  
*********************************************  
[Forman Basement. Jackie and Hyde are on the couch. Kelso is in his chair.]  
  
JACKIE: This is so great.  
  
HYDE: Yeah. Sitting here. Doing nothing.   
  
KELSO: I hope dinner is almost done.   
  
HYDE: You do know Donna is cooking.   
  
KELSO: Oh right. Damn.   
  
JACKIE: Steven. You know what'd be romantic.   
  
KELSO: Oooh Oooh... Disneyland.   
  
JACKIE: [looks at Kelso] No... Well.. yeah.. but no.   
  
HYDE: I don't know, but I bet you'd tell me.   
  
JACKIE: [looks at Hyde] If we both tell each other what we are thankful for. Okay. Me first. I am thankful for my good looks, beautiful hair, lovely clothes, a cute bubbly personality -   
  
HYDE: [cuts her off] Jackie, how long is this going to be?  
  
JACKIE: Fine. I'll get to the last thing I'm thankful for. For you!  
  
HYDE: Okay...   
  
JACKIE: Okay! Now you! [slaps his knee]  
  
HYDE: I'm thankful for the beer I have in my hand. Not being in prison.   
  
JACKIE: Okay AND?!?!?!  
  
HYDE: [pauses] All right Jackie. You too.   
  
JACKIE: [squeals] YAY! [hugs him and kisses him]  
  
ERIC: [comes down the stairs] Dinner is ready!   
  
[Everyone gets up and goes]  
*********************************************  
[Forman Dining Room. Red is at the head of the table. They are all seated at the table, except FEZ. Kitty and Donna come out with the turkey and meals]  
  
RED: Kitty! This looks amazing!  
  
BOB: Great job Donna! That's my little girl!  
  
ERIC: Wow Donna. You did this with my mom?  
  
KITTY: Oh Donna was such a doll! She was a big help. When I came back from the store, everything was done!   
  
DONNA: [blush] It was nothing.   
  
KITTY: Nothing? This is amazing!   
  
ERIC: Yeah Donna. Kelso thought you couldn't cook!  
  
KELSO: No I didn't! Eric was the one who got sick!  
  
DONNA: Hey! It's cool! Geez. I can cook!  
  
[FEZ, in an apron, comes out of the kitchen]  
  
FEZ: Donna, do you want me to make more yams and cranberry sauce?  
  
[Everyone stares at Donna.]  
  
DONNA: What?!?!   
*********************************************  
[Same spot. Everyone is around the table. Red cuts the turkey and it is passed around.]  
  
KELSO: Man FEZ! This is great!  
  
KITTY: FEZ, you got to give me your recipe.  
  
JACKIE: Yeah! Your yams are excellent!  
  
BOB: Your stuffing isn't bad either.   
  
FEZ: [flattered] Yes! Finally my yams and stuffing are excellent! [smiles]  
  
RED: Alla-barbar, I never thought I'd say this, but these are good.   
  
[FEZ smiles proudly]   
  
ERIC: [to Donna] So FEZ took your place?  
  
DONNA: Shut up. I can cook!  
  
ERIC: Uh-Oh Donna. I feel sick.   
  
DONNA: [hits him] Shut up.   
  
ERIC: [smiles] Happy Thanksgiving.  
  
DONNA: [smiles] Happy Thanksgiving. [They kiss]  
  
[CREDITS]  
*********************************************  
[Forman Basement. Jackie is on the couch and Hyde comes from his room.]  
  
HYDE: Jackie. Here this is for you.   
  
[Hyde gives her a vase with a scarf around it with flowers in it]  
  
JACKIE: Oh Steven! These are beautiful! Thank you!!! [hugs him]  
  
HYDE: [lets go] Yeah. Don't mention it.  
  
JACKIE: You are the best boyfriend! I'm going to tell everyone what you gave me!  
  
HYDE: Like I said. Don't mention it.   
  
JACKIE: Happy Thanksgiving Steven!  
  
HYDE: Happy Thanksgiving. [goes to kiss her]  
*********************************************  
  
HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!!! 


	7. Episode 7: Potential Carpe Diem

Episode 7: Potential Carpe Diem  
  
THE EPISODE THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE, BECAUSE THIS WAS DONE DURING FINALS!!!  
  
**********************************************************  
[Kelso's hallway. FEZ, Eric, Hyde are walking. Stops in front of Kelso's room door.]  
  
ERIC: I wonder why Kelso wasn't at the basement today. That's so odd.   
  
HYDE: Yeah... no one to come home to.   
  
FEZ: Yes and the ice cream man was so upset.   
  
HYDE: Sad? FEZ, you ended up eating all the ice cream.   
  
FEZ: Yes and it was good.   
  
ERIC: [thinks] Something must be wrong.   
  
FEZ: Maybe he is crying because he lost Jackie to his best friend Hyde.  
  
HYDE: He said he was over it.   
  
ERIC: Hyde. You said you were over it.   
  
HYDE: No I didn't.  
  
FEZ: Yes you did. You said, "I'm so over it, Kelso."  
  
HYDE: Forget it. Let's get Kelso.   
  
ERIC: Yeah. Maybe he's sick.   
  
[They open the door. FEZ / HYDE / ERIC Shriek. Kelso is sitting on the bed wearing glasses and is studying]  
  
ERIC / HYDE / FEZ: Oh my God!!!  
  
HYDE / ERIC: You wear glasses?!?!  
  
FEZ: You're studying?!?!  
  
[CREDITS]  
**********************************************************  
[Kelso's Room. Kelso is on the bed. Eric, Hyde and Fez looks scared.]  
  
KELSO: [takes off glasses and puts the book down] I can explain!  
  
HYDE: [looks at book] BIOLOGY?  
  
ERIC: Kelso! I'm so disappointed in you.   
  
KELSO: No! No! The book has some funny pictures!  
  
FEZ: That is true.   
  
HYDE: Since when do you wear glasses?  
  
ERIC: Let alone study!  
  
KELSO: Well... I promised my mom I'd study. You know how I want to be an astronaut.   
  
HYDE: [points at him] No wonder you do better than me at school! All this time!  
  
ERIC: What about the glasses, four eyes?  
  
FEZ: What are you guys talking about? Kelso has glasses. Not four eyes. [shakes head and laughs to himself] Maybe you guys need glasses.   
  
HYDE: No FEZ. He wears glasses. People who wear glasses are called 'four eyed.'  
  
FEZ: Oh. What's wrong with four eyes? You can see more... if you know what I mean. [nudges Eric and smiles]  
  
HYDE: Kelso. Have you been acting stupid this whole time?  
  
KELSO: No. Most of the time, not all the time.   
  
ERIC: So you're telling me you're not an idiot?  
  
KELSO: [thinks about it] What was the question?  
  
FEZ: Kelso. I'm proud of you for wearing glasses and being a man about it.   
  
KELSO: Hey that reminds me. Okay! You guys. Don't tell anyone about the glasses and the studying. It's not a hot feature.   
  
HYDE: [pats Kelso's back] Don't worry man. We got your back.   
  
**********************************************************  
[Forman basement. The gang, excluding FEZ and Kelso. Hyde is in his chair. Eric and Donna are on the couch. Jackie is on the other chair.]  
  
DONNA: [looks at Eric] Kelso wears glasses?!?! OH MY GOD!  
  
ERIC: Yup.   
  
HYDE: Yeah... he's a four-eyed dummy.   
  
JACKIE: Oh my God! No wonder Michael always needed to look at those educational magazines really closely.   
  
HYDE: Educational?  
  
JACKIE: Yeah. The one with the pictures of the human bod- Ohh... right.   
  
ERIC: Not only that you guys... but we caught him studying.   
  
JACKIE / DONNA: OH MY GOD!!  
  
DONNA: WHAT?!?! Are you sure?!?!   
  
JACKIE: Are you sure he wasn't looking at the pictures?!?!  
  
ERIC: Nope. Studying.   
  
[JACKIE / DONNA freak out. Kelso comes in and sits down on the couch next to Donna.]  
  
KELSO: Damnit. The ice cream man got away!   
  
HYDE: Hey Kelso. My eyes hurt right now. Can you read this card I got from school for me? [tosses card to Kelso]  
  
KELSO: Sure. [he looks deep into it] Umm... I... Kel-so... am... an... idiot...   
  
[Everyone laughs]  
  
KELSO: Well HYDE! I guess your teacher likes me better than you if she's gonna talk about me in your report.   
  
[Fez comes in wearing Elton John-liked glasses with no lens in them.]  
  
FEZ: Hey guys! What do you think?  
  
ERIC: I dunno FEZ...   
  
DONNA: Where are the lens?  
  
FEZ: Well. When I put them on it hurt my eyes and so I thought I would see better without them.   
  
HYDE: So you're wearing glasses with no lens?  
  
JACKIE: What's the point?  
  
FEZ: The point is... I am sexy no?  
  
JACKIE: No.  
  
[Kitty calls from upstairs to Eric]  
  
KITTY: ERIC! Dinner!  
  
ERIC: (to gang) Oh yeah! My mom's friend, Cheryl, is coming over.  
  
DONNA: You don't sound too happy.   
  
ERIC: Yeah... I mean it's great for my mom to talk to her friends again and reminise... but after her friend leaves... it's hell for us. She is going to cry and cry about how much she misses them. Plus with the menopause... it's not a pretty sight.   
  
KITTY: [From upstairs and menopausal] ERIC!!!  
  
ERIC: Okay that means I have to go. [gets up and leaves]  
  
**********************************************************  
[Forman Kitchen. Kitty and Red. Kitty is cooking and baking. Red is trying to taste some food. Kitty slaps his hand away]  
  
KITTY: [slaps RED hand] Red. No!  
  
RED: Oh come on Kitty. I'm hungry.   
  
KITTY: Now Red. You know when Cheryl comes we'll eat.   
  
RED: Kitty... why do you have to have your silly girly friends over.   
  
KITTY: Red... I haven't seen Cheryl in years... she's my girlfriend! I need girlfriend Red.   
  
RED: Couldn't I just get Eric over here and cry for you? I can make him cry.   
  
[Eric is standing at the door]  
  
ERIC: Umm... mom...   
  
KITTY: Well... no Red! I have Cheryl coming over.  
  
RED: Couldn't you at least have a friend we can stand to look at?  
  
ERIC: Why mom? What's wrong with Cheryl?  
  
KITTY: Oh nothing dear. She's just wasn't really the best looker.   
  
RED: Not even dogs would play with her.   
  
ERIC: Mom... is this true?  
  
KITTY: No no... it's not. Dogs were scared of everyone!  
  
**********************************************************  
[Hyde's Room. Jackie and Hyde on the bed.]  
  
JACKIE: Wow... Michael has glasses. Who wouldn't known?  
  
HYDE: I'm still kinda stuck on him studying. [shivers]  
  
JACKIE: I think that's cool that he studies... he's making a life for himself.   
  
HYDE: Jackie. What kind of life? It's Kelso!  
  
JACKIE: I don't know. Maybe we all should be thinking about our future.   
  
HYDE: Jackie... our future?   
  
JACKIE: Yeah Hyde. When we grow older, we can be rich and take care of each other. You can pamper me.   
  
HYDE: Jackie come on now. You're basing all this because Kelso was studying?   
  
JACKIE: We have to think about our future Steven! You don't want to stay in this basement forever, do you?  
  
HYDE: It's not so bad. Put it a little cushions and you can be pampered all day.   
  
JACKIE: [groans] Hopeless! [walks out]  
  
HYDE: [shouts] And we can have all the beer you want!  
  
[commercial]  
**********************************************************  
[Forman living room. Eric, Red, Kitty are sitting on the couch looking bored. Doorbell rings. Kitty gets up and rushes to the door]  
  
KITTY: I got it.  
  
RED: [whispers to Eric] Be prepared to be scared.   
  
KITTY: [Opens it] CHERYL!!!  
  
CHERYL: [comes in and she's HOT for an older lady] KITTY!!!  
  
[Eric and Red look at her and then at each other]  
  
ERIC / RED : wow  
  
KITTY: Come in! Come in! Sit!  
  
CHERYL: [walks in] Oh Hi Red!  
  
RED: Hi Cheryl. You look different. What happened?  
  
KITTY: Yes... you look wonderful!  
  
CHERYL: Thank you! Thank you! I would love to thank my doctor for all of this. [looks and sees Eric] Oh and is this little Eric?  
  
RED: Always has been little.   
  
ERIC: Thanks dad. Yes. I'm big Eric now. [shakes hand with Cheryl]  
  
CHERYL: My! He's a looker!  
  
ERIC: [chuckles] Stop [stops chuckling] I like you!  
  
KITTY: [directs Cheryl to couch] Well Cheryl how is everything going?  
  
CHERYL: [sits] Everything is amazing! I'm skinny, I'm rich, and I'm just absolutely gorgeous!  
  
RED: Here here!  
  
[Kitty gives him a look.]  
  
RED: So Cheryl, what are you doing here in Wisconsin?  
  
CHERYL: Oh I'm just visiting friends before I go to Europe.  
  
KITTY: You're going to Europe?  
  
ERIC: That is so cool!  
  
KITTY: Europe. Wow... why do you want to go there?  
  
CHERYL: Why don't you want to go there Kitty?  
  
RED: It's too expensive.   
  
CHERYL: Oh Red. Aren't you a little too old to be thinking about money?  
  
RED: [drop fork and spoon] What?  
  
CHERYL: I mean come on Red. We aren't getting any younger. We just need to live a little before it's too late. Carpe Diem! Seize the day! [looks at Eric] You should listen to this advice. You're still young.  
  
ERIC: All right!!!  
  
KITTY: Cheryl, it's not that we're not spontaneous, because Red and I are spontaneous.We are known as pre-tty wild people.   
  
ERIC: Mom!  
  
CHERYL: Really Kitty?  
  
KITTY: Yup. [laughs] Right Red?  
  
RED: [looks at Kitty, then Cheryl] Look Cheryl. We would be more spontaneous if we didn't have our priorities to take care of. Like our careers, our homes...  
  
KITTY: Oh and Eric!  
  
RED: Yeah him too. The government is making me take care of this one.   
  
ERIC: Thanks dad.  
**********************************************************  
[Forman Basement. Circle. Hyde, Kelso, Donna, FEZ]  
  
HYDE: Man... Jackie wants me to think about our future. I mean... she's basing this on Kelso man. It's like being in Hell man. Kelso!  
  
KELSO: [wearing glasses] Oh man... these things make everything seem bigger! Looking at nudie magazines had never been better!  
  
DONNA: [hits Kelso] You know what! I think you and Jackie should be thinking about the future. I mean Eric and I already made a future for ourselves! Look! We're like PERFECT! Cept he's kind of scrawny and wimpy, but hey! He's MY scrawny and wimpy boyfriend!   
  
FEZ: Oh Hyde. Kelso isn't such a bad person to follow.   
  
HYDE: Really FEZ?  
  
KELSO: [laughing and looking at magazines] You guys gotta look at these! They're like ten times bigger! It's like a magnifying glass for my eyes man!  
  
FEZ: [to Hyde] I'm so sorry.   
  
DONNA: [points to Hyde] You know what Hyde! Jackie's my friend too and you are my friend and just you two should just talk it through and don't take no for an answer! [looks at Kelso] Stop looking at my chest! [hits Kelso]  
  
KELSO: Ah! Ow!  
**********************************************************  
[Forman Kitchen. Dinner. Red, Eric, Kitty, Cheryl are sitting on the table. Everyone is quiet.]  
  
KITTY: Well. Isn't this nice?  
  
CHERYL: Oh Kitty it is! I love what you did with the place!  
  
KITTY: Why thank you Cheryl. That's so kind of you.   
  
CHERYL: It isn't like Gene's place, but hey it's comfy.  
  
RED: Gene who?  
  
CHERYL: Oh my newphew Gene Simmons.  
  
ERIC: No way! You're Gene Simmon's aunt?  
  
CHERYL: Oh course! Who else taught him how to stick out his tongue? Used to have a fight with him like that when he was a child. Always stick our tongues out at each other.   
  
ERIC: Wow! That's awesome! So you met the band?  
  
CHERYL: Met them? Honey I raised them!  
  
KITTY: Wow Cheryl. You're been doing a lot I can tell.   
  
CHERYL: Yes. Lots of things have been going on for me! Before I came here, I told my friend Lee - Lee Majors of course - that I was going to travel to Europe, but I must go see my old high school friends before I travel the world! And he told me that I'm a very interesting woman - which is very true - and that if Farrah wasn't there, he'd marry me. But of course, I had to go and leave.   
  
ERIC: [sounds interested] Wow.   
  
KITTY: [jealous] Really?  
  
RED: [annoyed] Oh geez.   
**********************************************************  
[Forman Basement. Hyde, FEZ, Donna. Jackie comes in from door. Hyde is on his chair. Donna and FEZ are behind the couch talking.]  
  
JACKIE: Steven! We need to talk! You have potential! I want to be rich! It works out!  
  
HYDE: Jackie, listen. I'm not the guy you want me to be. I'm me.  
  
JACKIE: I know, but there's so much more you can be!  
  
HYDE: If we have a future together. It wouldn't be the dream you always wanted.   
  
JACKIE: That is where you are wrong Steven! You become rich and that's all!   
  
HYDE: It's like talking to a wall that talks back!  
  
JACKIE: [sits on couch closest to Hyde] I believe in you Steven. I know you can be something great!  
  
HYDE: Alright Jackie. We'll see about it. Okay? [kisses her]  
  
DONNA / FEZ: Awww...  
  
HYDE: Shut up.   
  
[ERIC comes down from the kitchen]  
  
ERIC: Hey you guys. My mom friend's Cheryl is upstairs and she is related to Gene Simmons and she knows Zepplin!   
  
DONNA: Really? That is so cool.   
  
ERIC: Yeah and she said when she comes back from Europe, she'll call them up and get tickets to their concerts! She also has this thing. Carpe Diem.   
  
DONNA: She talked about fish?  
  
ERIC: No it's latin for Seize the day! You have to hear her talk. She's so cool.  
  
FEZ: I can wear these! [puts glasses on and smiles at Donna] Hellllo.  
  
ERIC: She left already, but wow. We all should listen to what she said.  
  
EVERYONE: Yeah sure. [everyone sits on the couch, cept Hyde who is sitting on his chair and Fez is sitting on the other chair]  
  
ERIC: Let's do something memorable you guys!   
  
DONNA: Like what?  
  
JACKIE: I know! Let's go shopping!  
  
ERIC: Seriously guys! We should do something that people won't forget!  
  
HYDE: Forman. We already painted the water tower. What else is there?  
  
ERIC: There is always more Hyde. There is always more. We just got to think of something.  
  
FEZ: Yes... something stupid.   
  
ERIC: And crazy...   
  
[KELSO runs in from the door.]  
  
KELSO: Hey you guys! I thought of something crazy and stupid we can do!  
  
HYDE: What a coincidence! I was thinking about you being crazy and stupid!  
  
ERIC: Kelso what is it?  
  
KELSO: Let's put Jello mix into the pool!  
  
ERIC: He never disappoints me.   
  
[The guys leave.]  
**********************************************************  
[Forman Kitchen. Kitty is doing the dishes. Kitty looks sad. Red comes in and sees her sad.]  
  
RED: Kitty. I know you miss your friend already, but think. Now it is only us.   
  
KITTY: [cries] It's not that Red. It's just that. [looks at him] We're SO boring!  
  
[Kitty cries on Red's shoulder]  
  
RED: Oh. It's okay. Boring isn't so bad. I mean... it means people leaves us alone!   
  
KITTY: [looks at him sternly] It's just that Cheryl comes and she tells me about her life of traveling and everything. I just feel like I'm missing out on something.   
  
RED: Oh Kitty! You're not missing anything! Remember yesturday when Eric fell from the car when he was on top of it just hanging out and he didn't know I was in the car and I started driving with him on top of it. And the way he was screaming.   
  
KITTY: [laughs] Oh that is true.   
  
RED: I mean, we're good boring.  
  
KITTY: [stern] Boring? [laughs] No Red. I'm not boring. No No No. As for you... [stops and thinks] We're classic!  
  
[They kiss]  
**********************************************************  
[Closing Credits]  
  
[School Pool. Kelso, Eric, Fez and Hyde are at the Edge of the Pool throwing cartons of Jello into the pool. FEZ is on the diving board throwing more Jello in.]  
  
ERIC: Man. This is great. I can't wait for the swim team to jump in and swim in a pool of jello.   
  
KELSO: Just think about the girls swim team in jello.   
  
ERIC: This is going to be great! We are seizing the day and doing something spontaneous!  
  
HYDE: Man. Good thinking Kelso. Hey FEZ! How's it going there?  
  
FEZ: It's going good! Can you toss me another box please?   
  
HYDE: Fez are you drinking the pool water?  
  
FEZ: [gives them a look and there is water and jello mix on his mouth.] No.   
  
KELSO: [tosses box to FEZ] Here!  
  
SPLASH!   
  
FEZ: [falls into pool] Ahh!  
  
ERIC: FEZ! Are you okay?!  
  
HYDE: FEZ? What's going on?  
  
FEZ: Ohh... Jello has never tasted so good! Uh-oh... the jello starting to harden!   
********************************************************** 


	8. Episode 8: Mother May I?

Episode 8: Mother May I?  
  
*******************************************************************  
[Forman Kitchen. Red, Hyde, Kitty and Eric are eating at the table. Hyde and Eric are grabbing food all over]  
  
HYDE: Hey you hear what happened to Simon Wilson? He accidently ate bad cheese and puked all over the cafeteria. [pause] Yup. It was great man.   
  
KITTY: Well that's not nice. I don't think you should discuss excretion at the table.   
  
ERIC: Yeah. We shouldn't talk about Simon like that.   
  
KITTY: Thank you.   
  
ERIC: Hey Hyde, too bad you didn't see Kelso slip on it and slid across the room. [They laugh]  
  
HYDE: Good stuff!  
  
RED: For the love of God, can we eat in peace without ANY interruptions from any of you kids.   
  
ERIC / HYDE: Sure thing dad / Alright. [they are quiet and eating]  
  
[Jackie enters from the sliding door]  
  
JACKIE: [excited] Steven! I have something GREAT to tell you!  
  
RED: [Annoyed] Ah geez.  
  
ERIC: Don't look at me dad. She's Hyde's.  
  
JACKIE: What were you guys talking about?  
  
ERIC: Your hair.  
  
JACKIE: Really?!?!  
  
ERIC: Yeah.   
  
HYDE: What do you want Jackie?   
  
JACKIE: Guess who's coming back to Wisconsin!?!  
  
HYDE: Jackie I don't want---  
  
JACKIE: Guess!!!  
  
ERIC: Who wants to come back to Wisconsin?  
  
RED: Who cares?  
  
HYDE: I don't know... umm  
  
RED: Oh for the love of God! Who is coming back to Wisconsin?  
  
JACKIE: My mother!  
  
[ RED / KITTY / ERIC / HYDE groan quietly]  
  
[opening credits]  
*******************************************************************  
[Forman basement. Hyde, Jackie, Donna, FEZ, Kelso, Eric. Hyde is on the washing machine. Jackie, Eric, Donna are on the couch. FEZ and Kelso are playing with a ball behind the couch.]  
  
DONNA: So your mom is coming back.   
  
JACKIE: Yup. She's flying from the Bahamas. Me and her are going to visit my dad and she's going to work on his finances.   
  
ERIC: The Bahamas! They were voted the number two singles party. [looks at Donna and Jackie who look at him] and they serve the BEST drinks there.   
  
JACKIE: Yeah and she gets to meet Steven. [gets up and goes to Hyde] Now... we need to buy you a white dress shirt... new black shoes...   
  
HYDE: Jackie... why can't I go in what I'm wearing right now?  
  
JACKIE: Steven. I want my mother to love you and see how great you and I are together!  
  
HYDE: You're saying she wouldn't like me if I didn't conform?  
  
JACKIE: Steven! My mother is going to love you!  
  
HYDE: So why does it matter what I wear?  
  
JACKIE: Steven... [holds his hand] Of course it matters.   
  
KELSO: That is true. Damn. If I didn't have my good looks and sense of style, I'd just be a boy with brains.  
  
JACKIE: [points at Kelso] See! [to Hyde] You are my boyfriend now. As your girlfriend, I'm going to help you with your sense of style! Now! I'm going to go shopping for you! [kisses his cheek and starts to leave] This is going to be so much fun! [leaves through door]  
  
FEZ: Oh Hyde. You are going to be so pretty.   
  
HYDE: I don't get it man. She's trying to make me into what I'm not.   
  
DONNA: Hyde. She just wants you to look good for her mother.  
  
KELSO: Yeah. When I met Jackie's mother, I was so polite. She instantly liked me.   
  
********************************* PAST SEQUENCE *********************************  
[Just Kelso sitting at a table and looking at a lady [lady is not seen and not heard]]  
  
KELSO: Wow Mrs. Burkhart. What a lovely home you have. Jackie never told me how hot you were. Because damn! [pauses] Oh no Mrs. Burkhart I wasn't looking at your chest. You have a lovely che-necklace! Those are HUGE pearls. Mind if I take a gander? [reaches to look and hands slap his hand away] Oh okay. [Food on the table] So what are these? Escargo? What's that? [eats it and spits it out towards Mrs. Burkhart] Snails?! Oh sorry! Here let me get that. [Kelso reaches over and moves his hand around and smiles devishly and gets slapped in the face] It was an accident! Damn!  
  
**************************** PAST SEQUENCE ENDS***************************  
  
KELSO: Yup. We had good times. She loved me.   
  
HYDE: You're an idiot.  
  
ERIC: Anyone remember how Jackie's mother is like?  
  
FEZ: I remember she was a Goddess.  
  
KELSO: Yeah. She was hot!  
  
DONNA: Geez. I can't believe you guys are so crazy about Jackie's mother.   
  
FEZ: Aw. Don't be jealous Donna. Your mother was hot too.   
  
DONNA: FEZ! [hits him]  
  
FEZ: Aiy!  
  
DONNA: I mean personality wise.  
  
KELSO: I don't remember. She was kind of like Jackie.  
  
ERIC: Like Jackie?  
  
DONNA / ERIC: Oh God.  
  
FEZ: Why are all the pretty things so horrible?  
  
*******************************************************************  
[Forman living room. Red and Kitty are in the living room. Red is watching TV. Kitty is sewing.   
  
RED: It's cold in here.  
  
KITTY: Yeah. It is. Did you turn on the heater?  
  
RED: Yeah. I'll go check that later.  
  
[Kitty looks up at Red like she had an idea.]  
  
RED: [turns to see Kitty looking at him] No.  
  
KITTY: I didn't say anything.  
  
RED: You were thinking of something.   
  
KITTY: I think---  
  
RED: No.  
  
KITTY: Hear me out---  
  
RED: No.   
  
KITTY: [menopausal] Red.   
  
RED: What now Kitty?  
  
KITTY: I think we should invite Jackie's mother to dinner.  
  
RED: Why? Why do we always have to invite people? It's not like we're pleasant people. We don't have to invite people.   
  
KITTY: It's not for us. It's for Steven. He and Jackie are going out now and he needs to impress her. What other way to impress her than to invite her over to dinner?  
  
RED: Just leave Steven to do his own thing. He's a big boy now. He doesn't need our help.   
  
KITTY: Red Forman. We're having dinner party with them tonight! [gets up and heads to the kitchen]  
  
[Hyde comes from the kitchen]  
  
HYDE: Mrs. Forman, it's cold in here.   
  
KITTY: Oh Steven! We're having Mrs. Burkhart for dinner! Isn't that exciting?  
  
HYDE: Mrs. Forman. We don't have to invite her. I'm going over to Jackie's house to meet her.   
  
RED: [gets up] See! He doesn't need us. Good for you Steven.  
  
KITTY: But Steven. Jackie's mother doesn't know how to cook well and Jackie...well... she's Jackie. Don't you want a traditional meal?   
  
HYDE: Mrs. Forman---  
  
KITTY: [menopausal] CUZ YOU NEED A TRADITIONAL MEAL! LOOK AT YOU! ALL SKIN AND BONES! AND JACKIE! SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE'S NOT CARRYING ANYTHING. IT'S LIKE TWO CHEW BONES WALKING TOGETHER!  
  
HYDE: [scared] That's a great idea Mrs. Forman. Thank you. I'll call Jackie and tell her that.  
  
KITTY: [stops menopausal and smiles] Oh... yay! [jumps up and down] We get to have a dinner party! [goes into the kitchen]  
  
RED: Ah Dammit. Women... can't live with them... [pauses]  
  
[Hyde waits for Red to finish the sentence. LONG PAUSE]  
  
RED: [looks at Hyde] What? She has menopause! Oh fine. Can't live without them.   
*******************************************************************  
[Jackie's room. Jackie and Hyde. Standing up. Jackie and Hyde are talking.]  
  
JACKIE: Okay Steven. I'm going to be asking you some questions that my mother would ask you.   
  
HYDE: Alright.   
  
JACKIE: Okay... this one is really important. What do you think of my hair?  
  
HYDE: Jackie... I'm not doing this.   
  
JACKIE: Steven... [tugs on him] Fine. Don't need to answer that. I know my hair is amazing. But remember what I told you.   
  
HYDE: Be myself?  
  
JACKIE: No! Of course not!  
  
[Mrs. Burkhart walks in drunkingly sobber.]  
  
MRS. BURKHART: Jackie, have you seen the vodka? [sees Hyde] Oh and who is this?  
  
JACKIE: Mom, this is my boyfriend, Steven. Steven, this is my mother.   
  
MRS. BURKHART: So you are Steven?  
  
HYDE: [sticks out hand] Nice to meet you Mrs. Burkhart.   
  
MRS. BURKHART: shake his hand and looks at Hyde] Oh it's so nice to finally meet you. Jackie has told so much about you. [looks at him closely] Sideburns. How lovely.   
  
HYDE: Yup, been growing it since I was twelve.   
  
MRS. BURKHART: [sarcastically] Lovely. [pauses] Yes... it gives this Elvis look to you.   
  
HYDE: Well he's the king.   
  
JACKIE: So mom, the Formans invited us to dinner tonight.   
  
MRS. BURKHART: Who?  
  
JACKIE: You remember Red and Kitty Forman.   
  
MRS. BURKHART: Oh good. [looks at Jackie] It's so nice to know you are still helping the less fortunate. Well then. I guess we'll all go tonight. Will you be attending, Steven?  
  
HYDE: Yeah.  
  
MRS. BURKHART: Oh... then how lovely. Champange anyone? I sure need a glass.   
  
HYDE: That makes two of us.   
  
JACKIE: [notices the akwardness] So! Steven, why don't you go tell Mrs. Forman we'll be there and I'll see you later.   
  
HYDE: Okay. Bye Mrs. Burkhart.   
  
JACKIE: Soooo... mom... what do you think of Steven?  
  
MRS. BURKHART: Honey, if you were so upset about your father you shouldn't had just dated the first man you see.   
  
JACKIE: [shocked] What?  
  
MRS. BURKHART: Is it because of your break-up with Michael?  
  
JACKIE: Didn't you compare Steven to the King?  
  
MRS. BURKHART: Yes Jackie, but look at the King now. He's old.  
  
JACKIE: Mom, I care about Steven.  
  
MRS. BURKHART: Oh there you go again with helping the less fortunate. I am so proud of you to be helping your community. Now be a dear and go fetch me some vodka.  
  
[Jackie groans and walks out of her room]  
  
[commercial]  
*******************************************************************  
[Forman basement. Red working on the heater. Kitty comes down and stops on the steps.]  
  
KITTY: So Red. Is the heater fixed?   
  
RED: I'm working on it Kitty.  
  
KITTY: Well, be quick. We have guests coming over.   
  
RED: [looks at her] Kitty please. This takes a lot of work and skill. [Red turns back to the heater and something drops] Oops. [picks it up and turns to Kitty and giggles nervously] Minor glitch.  
*******************************************************************  
[Later on. Forman Basement. Eric, Donna, FEZ, and Kelso are all talking. Eric and Donna are on the couch. FEZ and Kelso are playing with some sort of rope.]   
  
DONNA: Eric, it's so cold in here.  
  
KELSO: Yeah Eric. Why is it so cold?  
  
FEZ: Yes. I can see your nipples through your shirt.  
  
ERIC: Heater doesn't work. I wonder how dinner will be tonight? Jackie and Big Jackie together with our family.   
  
DONNA: It shouldn't be so bad.   
  
KELSO: Yeah. Jackie's mom is hot!   
  
FEZ: I can just imagine it now.   
  
******************FANTASY SEQUENCE********************************  
[Forman dining room. There's Red, Eric, Hyde, Mrs. Forman, Jackie and Jackie's mom **Jackie's mom is Jackie wearing older clothes and make-up**]  
  
MR. FORMAN: So Jackie's mother, what do you think of Hyde?  
  
MRS. FORMAN: He's a good boy!  
  
MRS. BURKHART: I see. Yes, he's alright. But Jackie dear. There is someone else in mind I have for you.   
  
ERIC: Oh no. Whoever could it be???  
  
HYDE: Please don't tell me.   
  
MRS. BURKHART: OH FEZ!!!  
  
[FEZ comes out from the kitchen]  
  
JACKIE: YAY!!!  
  
HYDE: Not again!  
  
MRS. BURKHART: Jackie. He's not for you! He's for me!  
  
JACKIE: Oh mother! I want to be with FEZ!  
  
MRS. BURKHART: Jackie! No! He's mine!  
  
FEZ: Ladies! You can both have me!  
  
JACKIE / MRS. BURKHART: YAY!  
  
DONNA: [comes in] FEZ! I want you too!  
  
FEZ: There's always room for more!  
*********************FANTASY ENDS*****************************  
[FEZ is smiling. Donna hits FEZ. Jackie comes in.]  
  
JACKIE: Donna. I need to talk to you!  
  
DONNA: I guess that's my cue. [looks at Eric] I wonder what she wants to talk about.   
  
JACKIE: [yelling from the door] DONNA!  
  
DONNA: [gets up and follows Jackie]  
*******************************************************************  
[Pinciotti Kitchen. Donna and Jackie are sitting at the table.]  
  
DONNA: Problems with your mom?  
  
JACKIE: I don't know what to do. I tell her how I feel and she just rejects everything I say. It's so revolting. She never listens to me when I'm talking to her.   
  
DONNA: Jackie, I think -   
  
JACKIE: Donna! SHHH! I'm talking! [pauses and lays her head on Donna] What do I do?  
  
DONNA: She is your mother. You should just make her listen.   
  
JACKIE: Oh Donna! It's just so hard! She is so involved in herself! I'm so glad I did not get that trait.   
  
DONNA: [sarcastically] Yeah. We are all glad that you didn't.   
*******************************************************************  
[Forman basement. Eric, Kelso, FEZ are at the same place. Hyde comes in and looks weirded out.]  
  
ERIC: Hey Hyde.  
  
KELSO: You okay man?  
  
HYDE: Yeah. Just met Jackie's mom.  
  
ERIC: It's okay Hyde. It's just a bigger evil version of Jackie.  
  
KELSO: Want us to get your mind off it?  
  
FEZ: What can we do?  
  
[360 Circle. Hyde, Eric, Kelso and Fez.]  
  
HYDE: Yup. Feeling better already. Damn it's cold.   
  
ERIC: [laughs] Yeah. [shows a tub of ice cream] I was thinking that it's so cold outside and the inside of my body is hot and so I figured I want them to balance out. So I'm eating ice cream, so that my insides will equal out to my outside.   
  
FEZ: [eating ice cream] Oohh... and it is working.   
  
[Hyde smiles in approval]  
  
KELSO: [laughs] Hey Hyde you ready for tonight?   
  
ERIC: I'm sure you'll be fine. You date Jackie. So I think you are able to face anything.  
  
FEZ: [still eating ice cream and stops and smiles] Oh. I feel it.   
  
ERIC: [nodds and smiles and laughs] See. You can feel the balance.   
  
KELSO: [eating ice cream] Oh man this is awesome. Now I'm just overall cold man!  
  
HYDE: I think I'm ready man.   
  
KELSO: [hands him the ice cream] Good, because it feels cool man.   
  
HYDE: Not that idiot. I mean for Jackie's mom. [grabs the ice cream and takes a spoonful of it. [smiles] Yeah. I can feel it now.   
  
[Kitty's voice from above.]  
  
KITTY: Boys! Come get ready for Jackie's mother coming!  
  
[Hyde and Eric look at each other worried]  
*******************************************************************  
[Forman dining room, sitting down with dinner. Red, Eric, Hyde, Kitty, Jackie, and Mrs. Burkhart. Everyone is looking at each other uncomfortably, except Hyde and Eric are eating franticly. Everyone stares at them.]  
  
ERIC: [to Kitty] Mom pass the carrots. [chewing]  
  
[Kitty passes it to Eric]  
  
HYDE: Red, pass me the peas please.   
  
[Red passes it to Hyde. Hyde pours pratically half of it onto his plate. Jackie eyes open wide knowing what they did]  
  
MRS. BURKHART: My. What an appetite.  
  
KITTY: [laughs and smiles at Mrs. Burkhart] So... How does it feel to be back in Point Place?   
  
MRS. BURKHART: Well... now I remember it was terribly cold like it is in here, but I understand with your situation.   
  
RED: [drops fork and spoon on plate] Situation?   
  
ERIC: [looks at Red and then at Mrs. Burkhart] Uh-Oh... you're in trouble now.   
  
KITTY: Red... [smiles]  
  
JACKIE: [looks at Mrs. Forman] Thank you for the dinner Mrs. Forman.   
  
MRS. BURKHART: Yes. This is a delicious meal Kitty.   
  
KITTY: Why thank you.  
  
MRS. BURKHART: I needed time away from the fancy resturants and try some real working class American food.   
  
KITTY: [looking annoyed and drops the forks and spoons in a menopausal way] What?  
  
RED: Kitty...   
  
MRS. BURKHART: So, Steven. Jackie tells me you are a scholar at school.   
  
[Eric giggles]  
  
HYDE: What? I am? [Jackie kicks him under the table] Ow! Yeah. I do okay.   
  
KITTY: Okay? Steven is very smart.   
  
MRS. BURKHART: Oh. I see. That's wonderful.  
  
RED: Yup and then he'll move out of here.   
  
MRS. BURKHART: Excuse me? Steven lives here?  
  
HYDE: Yeah. Mr. and Mrs. Forman took me in when my parents took off.   
  
MRS. BURKHART: Oh. So you are an orphan? [laughs] Oh Good. Jackie dear. May I have a word with you? [gets up and goes to the kitchen]   
  
JACKIE: [gets up] Okay. [They are out of sight]  
  
KITTY: Well... I think that went well.   
  
RED: What the hell is wrong with that woman?   
  
KITTY: Red... calm down. I mean you try dealing with a hot flash around this woman!  
  
HYDE: I think I'll go to my room. [gets up and leaves]  
  
RED: I swear. It seems like she has the menopause.   
  
[Kitty stares angry at him]  
  
ERIC: Dad...[sighs] Nooooo...   
*******************************************************************  
[Forman Kitchen. Jackie and Mrs. Burkhart.]  
  
JACKIE: Mom what's wrong?  
  
MRS. BURKHART: Break up with him.   
  
JACKIE: What? No!  
  
MRS. BURKHART: Dear. Is it because I'm never here? Are you mad at me?  
  
JACKIE: No! I'm not trying to get revenge on you. I care about Steven.   
  
MRS. BURKHART: Jackie! Sideburns!   
  
JACKIE: Mom! I like the sideburns!  
  
MRS. BURKHART: No you don't!  
  
JACKIE: Okay I don't! But I want to be with Steven.   
  
MRS. BURKHART: Dear, I know your taste and Steven is not your taste! He's hairy.   
  
JACKIE: I don't care! You don't know me at all!  
  
MRS. BURKHART: Honey. Think about the future.   
  
JACKIE: Don't you think I have? I have everything prepared for myself. Mom, I am with someone who makes me happy and yes he's hairy, yes he has sideburns, and yes he's an orphan, but he is my boyfriend and he makes me happy. He was here for me when you weren't.  
  
MRS. BURKHART: Well... I guess my opinion doesn't matter anymore. So you don't need me anymore.   
  
JACKIE: Mom. No. It's not that. I need you. You're my mother. I'll always need you.   
  
MRS. BURKHART: [sigh] You're probably right. Someone needs to help with your clothes. [sighs] You are growing up so fast. [they hug]   
  
JACKIE: [hugging] I know mom. Thanks mom. But... I really want to be with Steven.   
  
MRS. BURKHART: Fine. I can't stop you. Well at least he's not like Michael Kelso. I couldn't stand him. He kept staring at my pearls. I felt like he was going to rob me. I'll go back and talk to the Formans. [Mrs. Burkhart goes back to the dining room]  
  
JACKIE: What does she mean by clothes?  
  
[Hyde comes from the living room to the kitchen.]  
  
HYDE: Hey.  
  
[Jackie hugs Hyde tightly and smiles]  
  
HYDE: Wow... your mom should come more often.   
*******************************************************************  
[Closing credits]  
  
[At the door of the Formans. Mrs. Burkhart is leaving. Red and Kitty are at the door.]  
  
MRS. BURKHART: Thank you so much Red and Kitty. I had a wonderful time!   
  
RED: Good to hear you did.   
  
KITTY: Yeah. We had a lovely time with you too.   
  
MRS. BURKHART: Yes... whenever I feel like something traditional I'll always call you.   
  
KITTY: That is so nice of you.   
  
MRS. BURKHART: Just helping my fellow woman!  
  
[Kitty looks annoyed]  
  
RED: Alright. Good bye Mrs. Burkhart.   
  
[Red opens door. Fez is waiting outside.]  
  
FEZ: Hello Mrs. Burkhart. I am FEZ. I am Jackie's friend. May I take you home?  
  
MRS. BURKHART: Oh how nice! [turns to look to the Formans] Jackie called for a chaffuer for me! Well... ta ta!  
  
[FEZ winks and takes Mrs. Burkhart's arm]  
******************************************************************* 


	9. Episode 9: Girl Fever

Episode 9: Girl Fever  
  
***************************************************************************  
[High School. Near locker rooms. Eric, FEZ, Hyde, and Kelso are waiting near them. Eric's locker is open and he's getting books in and out and chatting with them. Blonde girl enters and goes to her locker.]  
  
FEZ: [taps Kelso] Hey you guys. There's the new girl. I saw her in the office. [points to girl]  
  
KELSO: FEZ... if it's that 15 year old girl again with the sideburns I don't -[sees her] WHOA!   
  
HYDE: Hey Forman. Does she look familiar to you?   
  
ERIC: I don't know.  
  
FEZ: Her name is Marcy Doyle and she makes me boil! [giggles]  
  
ERIC: Marcy Doyle? Marcy Doyle? Hey Hyde. Didn't we go to elementary school with her?   
  
HYDE: Marcy Doyle?  
  
[Eric and Hyde look at each other in shock]  
  
HYDE / ERIC: Marcy Doyle... the Gargoyle!  
  
KELSO: [shrieks] No!  
  
FEZ: Who is this gargoyle? I see an angel.   
  
ERIC: No Fez. Marcy used to go to elementary school with us.   
  
HYDE: And she was teased so much that she had to move. [chuckles]  
  
FEZ: How could you tease that lovely creature?   
  
KELSO: If you take the lovely out, that's what she was in elementary school. Look at her now. Well... she always had a crush on me, you know.   
  
HYDE: Crush on you? You were always making fun of her butt.   
  
KELSO: [chuckles] It was pretty big, wasn't it?   
  
FEZ: Well I think she is a goddess and her ass looks like a statue of goodness.   
  
KELSO: Yup.  
  
[Kelso walks towards Marcy. He leans against her locker.]  
  
KELSO: Hello Marcy. Remember me?  
  
MARCY: No. I'm sorry. Should I?  
  
KELSO: How about this? [waves his hair]  
  
MARCY: Michael? Michael Kelso?! [excited] Hi! How are you?  
  
KELSO: I'm good and I look GREAT!  
  
MARCY: Yeah! Me too!  
  
KELSO: Yeah and your butt has gotten better.   
  
MARCY: I KNOW! I remember in elementary school there was this loser who kept making fun ot it. Who was that again? [Kelso looks scared] I don't quite remember.   
  
KELSO: [trying to save himself] I guess it must of been Steven Hyde.   
  
MARCY: Oh Steven Hyde!  
  
KELSO: Yup. Still the same, mean corruptive Hyde. He stole my girlfriend you know.   
  
MARCY: Oh I'm so sorry!  
  
KELSO: Yeah. I know. [looks sad, then looks happy] Oh well. I was wondering if you'd like to go out with me later.  
  
MARCY: [surprised] Oh. That's so sweet, but I don't think so. I kind of have a crush on someone else.   
  
KELSO: Who would you have a crush on?  
  
MARCY: [looks away] ERIC! Eric Forman! Hey! [rushes to him and hugs him] How are you?   
  
ERIC: Hey Marcy. Everything great.   
  
[Kelso gawks]  
  
MARCY: Yeah. I'm surprised you remember me!   
  
FEZ: [cuts in front of Eric] Hello. I am FEZ.   
  
MARCY: Oh yeah! I saw you in the office because you had the sick tummies!  
  
FEZ: [smiles nervously and say it doubtingly and quickly] It was nice to meet you. [moves back to his spot and looks ashamed]  
  
HYDE: Hey Marcy.   
  
MARCY: Well if it isn't Steven Hyde. You're not in jail?  
  
HYDE: You're not fat?   
  
MARCY: [thinks] Fair enough. [turns back to Eric] So Eric. How are you? You look great!  
  
ERIC: Thank you. Yeah. [sniff] Been working out.   
  
HYDE: [question] Since when?  
  
[Eric looks uncomfy]  
  
MARCY: So. How's Donna? I write to her sometimes. She told me that you and her are together.   
  
ERIC: Yeah. Donna's great. Just absolutely great.   
  
MARCY: WOW. I haven't seen you since elementary school. I remember we used to hide together because of the mean bullies.  
  
ERIC: Yeah. Haven't done that since... [thinks] last week.   
  
FEZ: Yes. It was so funny when we stole his pants after gym.   
  
KELSO: Oh yeah and then we waved it around in the cafeteria. And he had to stay in the locker room for the whole day.   
  
HYDE: Good times.   
  
MARCY: Wow. Yeah... [looks at Eric] So I have to see Donna again! I've missed her. She and you were the only one nice to me in elementary school.   
  
ERIC: Well. We'll be at the Hub afterschool. Donna is usually there with us.   
  
MARCY: Great! So I'll see you guys there. [hugs Eric] Nice seeing you again! And it was nice to meet you Fez. Bye Michael. [looks at Hyde] Hyde.   
  
HYDE: Marcy.   
  
[Marcy leaves]  
  
KELSO: She totally wanted me!   
***************************************************************************  
[The Hub. Donna, Eric, Fez, Kelso in booth.]  
  
DONNA: I can't wait to see Marcy again.  
  
ERIC: Yeah. It's great seeing her again.  
  
FEZ: Yes... she fills my needs. [smiles and winks]  
  
DONNA: Ew.   
  
KELSO: Hey! She is hot!   
  
FEZ: I have to go some place... [gets up and goes to the bathroom]  
  
ERIC: She looks different now Donna. She's thinner, but the same personality.   
  
KELSO: Yeah Donna. I'd be careful. She has a crush on Eric.  
  
DONNA / ERIC: What?!?!  
  
ERIC: No she doesn't! What are you talking about?! [looks at Donna] I don't know what he's talking about! Remember it's Kelso who's talking!  
  
[Marcy enters and waves at them]  
  
KELSO: MARCY! We're over here!  
  
[FEZ comes out of the bathroom and sees Marcy and runs back into the bathroom]  
  
MARCY: Hey! DONNA!   
  
[Donna gets up and Marcy hugs Donna]  
  
MARCY: Donna you look GREAT. Wow.  
  
DONNA: Wow. You look good yourself.   
  
MARCY: Thanks! [sees ERIC] Hey Eric!   
  
[about to hug Eric as Eric gets up, Donna pushes Eric down]   
  
ERIC: Hi Marcy.  
  
MARCY: Well you guys! I'll get something for you guys to eat. My treat! [goes to the order booth]  
  
[Kelso follows her]  
  
KELSO: Hello Marcy.  
  
MARCY: Hey Kelso!  
  
KELSO: Look I know you have a crush on Forman and I want to tell you I'm okay with you liking us both -   
  
MARCY: Eric? You think I like Eric? I don't like Eric.   
  
KELSO: Oh... then who?  
  
MARCY: Her [points to Donna]  
  
[Kelso looks and see it's Donna. Music comes on]   
  
KELSO: ALRIGHT!  
  
[CREDITS]  
***************************************************************************  
[Forman Basement. Jackie and Hyde are making out on the couch. Kitty comes down from the stairs]  
  
KITTY: Oh Oh. God.   
  
[Jackie and Hyde gets up and sits down]  
  
HYDE: Mrs. Forman. Jackie and I were just - [looks at Jackie]  
  
JACKIE: Practicing CPR!  
  
HYDE: Yeah. Good lungs Jackie.   
  
KITTY: Oh please. I wasn't born yesturday. You two were about to have intercourse.  
  
HYDE / JACKIE: WHAT?!?!  
  
JACKIE: No Mrs. Forman. We weren't -  
  
KITTY: Oh sure. I know you young kids today. Free and wild... [sadly] able to have children... [back to normal] Well... I'll go back upstairs now and cry.   
  
[Kitty leaves. Jackie and Hyde look at each other uncomfortably. FEZ, Donna and Eric comes inside]  
  
ERIC: Donna! I don't think Marcy has a crush on me!  
  
FEZ: Yes... look at him. It's just skin and bones.   
  
DONNA: She was looking at us holding hands the whole time!  
  
JACKIE: Who are you guys talking about?   
  
FEZ: The new beautiful girl in school, Marcy Doyle.  
  
JACKIE: Doyle... Doyle... MARCY DOYLE THE GARGOYLE.  
  
HYDE: Yeah.   
  
JACKIE: She's back? Oh wow. She always creeped me out. I know she was jealous of me. Always staring at me in elementary school. Felt like she was half in love with me!  
  
ERIC: I'm trying to tell Donna that Marcy doesn't have a crush on me!  
  
HYDE: Yeah Donna we were surprised that you liked Forman.   
  
JACKIE: Donna. He's right? I mean who in their right mind fall for Eric. [looks at Donna] Uh-oh.   
  
DONNA: Eric... I just don't like you and her in school together, while I'm in another school.   
  
ERIC: Donna. Trust me. Nothing is going to happen between me and Marcy.   
  
HYDE: Yeah. We'll make sure of it.   
  
FEZ: Yes. You guys work on Eric and I shall work on Marcy.   
  
[Kelso enters]   
  
KELSO: Hello Donna.   
  
DONNA: What Kelso?  
  
KELSO: Look... I was talking to Marcy and she needs your help. She needs tutoring in the English department and I told her you're perfect for it!  
  
DONNA: What? I don't know if I can.  
  
ERIC: Wait Donna. It'd be fun. Then you can see that she doesn't have a crush on me. Even though I don't see why not.. [Donna glares at him] I love you.   
  
DONNA: Fine. I'll tutor her.   
  
KELSO: Great! I'll go tell her!   
  
[Kelso runs out]  
***************************************************************************  
[Donna's Room. Jackie and Donna are on Donna's bed talking.]  
  
JACKIE: Donna can we talk?  
  
DONNA: Okay.   
  
[SPLIT SCREEN]  
[Forman basement. Hyde and Eric are on the couch talking.]  
  
HYDE: Forman. Can I ask you a question?  
  
ERIC: Sure thing.   
  
JACKIE: So Steven and I were kissing.   
  
HYDE: So Jackie and I were making out.   
  
DONNA: Ew!  
  
ERIC: Oh God No!  
  
JACKIE / HYDE: Shut up. Anyways...   
  
JACKIE: Eric's mom caught us and she said we were going to do it?  
  
HYDE: Your mom saw us.   
  
DONNA / ERIC: What happened?  
  
JACKIE: Hyde felt uncomfortable and so we just did nothing. Donna!   
  
HYDE: Jackie freaked out man. She totally jumped.   
  
DONNA: So what are you trying to say?  
  
ERIC: Oh I see.   
  
JACKIE: Steven and I haven't had sex yet. He keeps telling me to wait for the right time. He's so considerate. He wants it to be special.   
  
HYDE: She wants to wait. So I'm all like cool. Alright. She's probably nervous because of all the girls I've been with.  
  
JACKIE: Yeah Hyde told me it takes time for him to really do that kind of stuff.   
  
HYDE: I totally understand what she's thinking.   
  
DONNA: Hyde said that? Our Hyde? Steven Hyde?!?!  
  
ERIC: So you're ok with that?  
  
JACKIE: Yeah. He's waiting for the right moment.   
  
HYDE: Hey! No rush... but yeah I have my needs.   
  
DONNA: Wow... Hyde.   
  
ERIC: Yeah. You're the man.   
  
JACKIE: Yeah. I'm glad we had this talk.   
  
HYDE: Whatever man.  
***************************************************************************  
[The Hub. Marcy and Kelso at a table.]  
  
MARCY: So Donna is really interested in me?  
  
KELSO: Of course. She's been talking about you all the time.   
  
MARCY: Really? What about Eric? They seem pretty close.   
  
KELSO: That? Donna's not really with him. I mean... it's Eric. Come on... Eric and Donna... pleasee!  
  
MARCY: But they are boyfriend and girlfriend.   
  
KELSO: It's a pity boyfriend and girlfriend deal.  
  
MARCY: Well -   
  
KELSO: Trust me. She really needs your help in English and you and her can get to know each other.   
  
MARCY: Really? That'd be GREAT!  
  
KELSO: Yeah. I know.   
  
MARCY: Oh Michael! That is SOO sweet! How can I ever repay you?  
  
KELSO: Oh Marcy! Stop! You know I'm not doing this for my benefit! This is all for you AND Donna!  
  
MARCY: I can't wait! [she leaves]  
  
KELSO: Let's get it on!  
***************************************************************************  
[Commercial]  
  
[School. Marcy is at the lockers. Eric sees her and approaches her.]  
  
ERIC: Uh, Marcy?  
  
MARCY: Oh Hi Eric!  
  
ERIC: Look. We need to talk.  
  
MARCY: Yeah I think so too.   
  
ERIC: Look... you got to stop. Donna's my girlfriend. Okay?  
  
MARCY: Oh. So Kelso told you.   
  
ERIC: Yes. Kelso told me!   
  
MARCY: Look Eric. I understand all this, but I can't help what I feel.   
  
ERIC: But you got to try to stop. I'm with Donna.  
  
MARCY: Eric. Okay... we'll see alright? I'm going to see her today and talk about it with her.  
  
ERIC: There is no need.   
  
MARCY: I just hope... you and her will remain friends. [Bell rings. Marcy leaves.]  
***************************************************************************  
[Forman Basement. 360 circle. Eric, Kelso, FEZ, Hyde.]  
  
ERIC: I don't know what to do. Marcy just really wants to be with me.   
  
KELSO: [laughs] Oh yeah! I'm sure you're happy about that.   
  
ERIC: What? No!  
  
HYDE: What is it with hot chicks and you? These girls are hot, smart, and funny. And then there is you man.   
  
FEZ: Yes. I can't believe it myself. All I could think that is good about Eric is that he is never overweight.  
  
HYDE: Yeah... and never will be.   
  
FEZ: Yes... just an old skinny whitey...   
  
KELSO: Man... Marcy and Donna man...  
  
ERIC: Yeah... they want me... [sigh] What to do?  
***************************************************************************  
[Forman Kitchen. Hyde, Red, and Kitty. Hyde is looking at what Kitty is doing. Red is at the table reading.]  
  
HYDE: Mrs. Forman, I want to make sure you know that what you saw was not what you think.   
  
KITTY: Was it what you think I think it was?  
  
HYDE: What do you think I think you think you saw?  
  
RED: For crying out loud, what are you two talking about?  
  
KITTY: It's nothing Red.  
  
RED: Then why are you making a big deal about it?  
  
HYDE: Mr. Forman, it's nothing.   
  
KITTY: What do you mean it's nothing? It's not nothing.   
  
HYDE: But you just said it was nothing.   
  
KITTY: Do you have menopause?   
  
RED: What's going on?  
  
KITTY: Oh it's just Hyde and Jackie and their "relationship".   
  
[Hyde groans]  
  
RED: What's wrong Steven? Can't bring yourself 'up' to it. [laughs. Hyde looks at him. Red coughs and looks at Kitty] Kitty... it's none of your concern.   
  
KITTY: None of my concern. Steven must be taken cared of. [whispers] Since he has no parents to talk about this stuff with. [looks at Hyde] So Steven... is there any questions you want to ask me? I am a nurse.  
  
HYDE: No Mrs. Forman. It's fine. I'm going to go outside and lay on the street for a car to come.   
  
KITTY: Okay Steven. But if you want to talk. I'm here.   
  
[Hyde leaves]  
***************************************************************************  
[Donna's Bedroom. Donna is reading a book. Bob comes in with Marcy. Marcy is carrying books.]  
  
BOB: Donna. Your friend is here.   
  
DONNA: Thanks Dad.  
  
MARCY: Yes. Thank you Mr. Pinciotti.  
  
BOB: You kids be good now. [pets Donna on the head]  
  
MARCY: We will.   
  
[Bob leaves. Marcy sits next to Donna on the bed]  
  
DONNA: So what's going on?  
  
MARCY: Sure thing. Well... I'm on Chapter 8 and Michael told me you're using the same book. So what chapter are you on?  
  
DONNA: Yeah. We're on Chapter 9. So I think I can help you. [pauses and sees Marcy staring at her. Puts book down] Look Marcy. We need to talk. I feel like there is tension between us.   
  
MARCY: You too? Good, because I thought it was only me.   
  
DONNA: Look. Why don't we just get started on this and then we'll talk about the other stuff later?  
  
MARCY: I agree! [Donna looks back into her books and Marcy grabs Donna's face and kisses her]  
  
DONNA: [pulls back and is shocked] What are you doing?  
  
MARCY: Oh I'm sorry! Was that too soon?  
  
DONNA: What?!?!  
  
MARCY: I'm sorry! I thought... Michael told me---  
  
DONNA: What did Kelso tell you???  
  
MARCY: He told me things were rough between you and Eric and that you weren't really with Eric. [whispers] He said it was a pity thing.   
  
DONNA: Marcy, are you... [gasps] Oh my God. Marcy... I'm not into girls. I love Eric so much. I'm not. No.   
  
MARCY: But Michael said... gosh. I should of never listened to him.   
  
DONNA: I think both of us were tricked.   
  
[Donna and Marcy hear a noise in the background of Donna's window. KELSO and FEZ are each on a ladder]   
  
KELSO: Oh! Good! They both are here.  
  
FEZ: Yes... good... good... [whispers to Kelso] I don't see them kissing.   
  
KELSO: [whispers back] Give it time.   
  
DONNA: Oh right. [looks at Marcy and winks] So let's get started.   
  
FEZ: [whispers to Kelso] You got that right!  
  
MARCY: [acting] Oh Donna. I feel so stupid. I need a hug.   
  
DONNA: [puts one arm over Marcy] It's okay Marcy. I feel like that too sometimes. You know.  
  
MARCY: Donna... you feel so soft.   
  
DONNA: And you Marcy. You are so sweet and innocent.   
  
FEZ: Oh my God. [staring]  
  
KELSO: This is it!  
  
MARCY: Donna. I always found you so attractive and fun. So beautiful and just fun.   
  
DONNA: Marcy... are you trying to make a move on me?  
  
FEZ: [whispers] Now... take off her shirt!  
  
MARCY: Donna... is it hot in here?  
  
DONNA: Yes... would you like me to take off your blouse?  
  
MARCY: Yes... Oh Donna... this kind of reminds me of Captain and Tenille.   
  
DONNA: Captain and Tenille? [pushes away]  
  
MARCY: Yes. Is something wrong with them?  
  
DONNA: YES!  
  
KELSO: [whispers] No! Donna say No!  
  
DONNA: Yes! Captain and Tenille? What are you like 40?  
  
MARCY: Well! If you don't like that then I'm leaving! I can't be with someone who doesn't like Captain and Tenille!  
  
KELSO: No!!!  
  
FEZ: [sings loudly from the window] Love, love will keep us together / Think of me babe whenever / Some sweet talkin' girl comes along, singin' a song / Don't mess around, you just gotta be strong  
  
DONNA: Kelso! Fez!  
  
KELSO: Donna! We're here to... fix your window.   
  
FEZ: Yes, so I'm sorry for interrupting. You two should just kiss and make up.  
  
KELSO: I agree!  
  
[DONNA pushes Kelso's ladder and Kelso falls]   
  
FEZ: Uh-oh! I'm sorry!  
  
[Marcy and Donna push Fez's ladder and Fez falls. You hear a thump.]  
  
FEZ: Ouchie!   
***************************************************************************  
[Forman basement. Hyde, Jackie, Eric. Hyde is on his chair and Jackie is on his lap. Eric is on the couch. Kelso and FEZ come in all bruised and dirty]  
  
JACKIE: What happened to you guys?  
  
FEZ: We were trying to see two girls kissing.  
  
ERIC: Really? Who?  
  
KELSO: Donna and Marcy.   
  
JACKIE / HYDE / ERIC: What?!?!  
  
ERIC: Donna?!?!  
  
FEZ: Don't worry nothing happened.  
  
KELSO: Yeah. It's all your fault Eric! You should of made Donna listen to Captain and Tennile!  
  
JACKIE: Captain and Tennile! I love them!  
  
HYDE: So what happened?  
  
ERIC: Yeah... Donna and Marcy?!?! You said Marcy had a crush on me?  
  
KELSO: Yeah. I made you think that.   
  
FEZ: Marcy has the hots for Donna.   
  
KELSO: And we almost saw them kissing!  
  
JACKIE: And so what happened to you guys?  
  
HYDE: Don't tell me it was the needs.   
  
FEZ: Donna pushed us off the ladder.   
  
ERIC: So what you are trying to tell me is that my girlfriend, Donna, and Marcy almost kissed?  
  
KELSO: You know... they are still in the room.   
  
[The guys all stare at each other and rush out of the room. Jackie holds onto Hyde]  
  
HYDE: Jackie! I just want to go to see Donna push Kelso off again!  
  
JACKIE: Steven! Don't you think we should sit here and talk... while Donna and Marcy make out and Michael and FEZ falling from the ladder again along with Eric.  
  
[Jackie and Hyde look at each other and bolt out the door]  
***************************************************************************  
[Outside of Donna's bedroom. Kelso and FEZ are on one ladder. Eric and Hyde are on another. Jackie is on the ground watching them.]  
  
KELSO: Oh! They're not doing anything! Just reading and talking! Kiss her Marcy!  
  
ERIC: My girlfriend and another girl... wow.   
  
HYDE: Hey Forman. Talk in a girly voice.   
  
FEZ: Oh to be in that room with the two lovely ladies... and Jackie.   
  
[HYDE hits FEZ]   
  
KELSO: We got to do something.   
***************************************************************************  
[Bottom of the ladder. Outside Donna's house. Jackie is looking out. Bob walks by and sees the ladder]  
  
JACKIE: Hi! Mr. Pinciotti!  
  
BOB: Hi Jackie. Whatcha doing?  
  
JACKIE: The guys are just spring cleaning the place for you.   
  
BOB: Leading to Donna's bedroom?  
  
JACKIE: Oh look at the time! I have a hair appointment! [runs off]  
  
[BOB looks up]  
  
KELSO from the top: Hey! Jackie! You keeping a good look-out?  
  
[Four of the boys look down and see Bob staring at them]  
  
BOB: You boys come down here!  
  
[Hyde and Eric rush down. Kelso and FEZ go slowly. Donna's head sticks out the window.]  
  
DONNA: AGAIN?!?! [she pushes Kelso and FEZ's ladder]   
  
FEZ: No no! AHHHHHH [hit ground] Ouchie!  
  
ERIC: [looks at Donna] I love you and ---... DON'T CHEAT ON ME!  
  
[Donna pushes Eric and Hyde's ladder]  
  
ERIC: Ouch.   
***************************************************************************  
[Forman kitchen. Eric and Hyde are putting ice on their bruises and scratches. Donna walks in.]  
  
DONNA: What the hell Eric?   
  
ERIC: Well if it isn't Miss Push me Off the Ladder!  
  
DONNA: Eric! Why were you spying on me and Marcy?!  
  
HYDE: Because he thought you guys would make out.   
  
ERIC: I... I just found out that Marcy had a crush on you and not me and she was going after you. And she's pretty...  
  
DONNA: Eric! I'm straight! And I love you!  
  
HYDE: God knows why?  
  
ERIC: I know, but... It's just that... why didn't you kiss her?  
  
[Donna rolls her eyes and leaves from the kitchen door]  
  
ERIC: [yells] I LOVE YOU!  
  
HYDE: Good one Forman.   
  
ERIC: Yeah... she'll forgive me sooner or later.   
  
HYDE: Yeah... or she could just not talk to you and you can never have sex with her again.  
  
[Eric sits quietly thinking and then runs out of the kitchen towards Donna's place]  
***************************************************************************  
[Credits]  
  
[Forman Living Room. Red and Kitty are sitting down. Red is on his chair reading a newspaper. Kitty is sitting on the couch sewing with Schotzie. Hyde comes in from the den going towards the kitchen]  
  
KITTY: Steven! [gets up]  
  
HYDE: Yeah Mrs. Forman?   
  
KITTY: I was at the nurse's office and I found these helpful brochures to help you with whatever problems or questions you have may. [Kitty gets out packets] There's "My Body and Me" [gives it to Hyde]... "What's that growing on me?" [hands it to Hyde]... "Performing Well in Be--" Oh that's for me... [puts it down] "What's that tingly feeling?" [hands it to Hyde]... "Make it Work!" [hands it to Hyde] and "There is nothing wrong with my growing Body" [hands it to Hyde] There! I hope you take the time to read it and understand about yourself.   
  
HYDE: Gee Thanks Mrs. Forman. [smiles and then turns around frowning and glumly walks away]  
  
KITTY: [sits back down] I think he'll understand things now.   
  
RED: Yeah. I'm sure he loves what you gave him.   
  
KITTY: And I'm sure you'll love what I'll give you! [opens the pamphlet: PERFORMING WELL IN BED]  
*************************************************************************** 


	10. Episode 10: King of the Board

Episode 10: King of the Board  
****************************************************************************  
[Forman Basement. Hyde, Donna, Eric, Jackie, FEZ. Hyde is in his chair. Eric, Donna, and Jackie are on the couch. FEZ is on the other chair. Kelso comes in from the side door.]  
  
KELSO: [panting and then stops] Guess what guys! Nominations for Winter Queen are up.  
  
ERIC: Oh Kelso. You're a princess!  
  
HYDE: Where's your tiara?  
  
DONNA: What you forget it at home?  
  
KELSO: No. FEZ has it.   
  
[Everyone looks at FEZ]  
  
FEZ: [stuttering/shy] It's not for me... it's for... Oh! It belongs to him, you son of a bitch.   
  
JACKIE: [looks back at Kelso] And? What about Snow Queen Nominations? Did I get it?  
  
KELSO: Yes you did Jackie!   
  
JACKIE: [jumps up and down] YAY! I got nominated! And since I'm so nice to everyone now I think I'm going to win.   
  
HYDE: When were you nice?  
  
ERIC: Wait... did I miss something?  
  
DONNA: So Kelso. Who got nominated for King?   
  
KELSO: Well... yours truly and [points] FEZ.  
  
JACKIE / HYDE / DONNA / ERIC: FEZ?!?!?!  
  
FEZ: Yay for me!  
  
DONNA: So wait. It's you against FEZ?  
  
FEZ: Yes... we are such volupulous men.   
  
KELSO: You got that right tiger! [goes to Jackie] Yup. You know... the king and queen always have the last dance together. [puts arm around Jackie]  
  
HYDE: Kelso. Jackie's not going to dance with you.   
  
KELSO: And why not? It's a tradition that the King and Queen dance together.  
  
HYDE: Because you're not going to win.   
  
KELSO: Oh I AM going to win. With these good looks and these brains... I can do anything. Yeah. So no hard feelings FEZ.   
  
HYDE: No you're not. Cuz FEZ is going to win.   
  
[Hyde and Kelso look at each other]   
  
DONNA: Wow...   
  
ERIC: I know...  
  
FEZ: I never knew how much Hyde cared for me.   
  
[Openning Credits]  
****************************************************************************  
[Forman Kitchen. Red is eating breakfast at the table. Kitty is on the phone]  
  
KITTY: Oh, Thank you so much Bob. No Bob... that's all. No Bob. We don't want a banjo Bob. Okay Bob. See you then. [hangs up the phone] You won't guess who that was.   
  
RED: Bob?  
  
KITTY: Yes. He called us for a favor.   
  
RED: [drops fork and spoon] What does he want now?   
  
KITTY: Oh Red. He just wants to use our house for a little surprise party for Joanne. It's her birthday!  
  
RED: Why can't he use his own stinking house?  
  
KITTY: Cuz she's always there. And besides she doesn't like you, so it's the least place for a surprise party for her.   
  
RED: Damn Kitty. Why are we always the pleasant people. We're not pleasant people. I'm me and you... you have menopause!  
  
KITTY: [looks at him] What did you say?   
  
RED: Kitty. I just don't see why we need to be so nice.  
  
KITTY: Need to be so nice? [getting angry] I'm a pleasant person! I know you're not cuz you're just mean! I'm a nice lady! AREN'T I NICE?!?!?!  
  
RED: So what time is the party?  
  
KITTY: 3 o'clock tomorrow.   
  
RED: [gets up] I'll go clean up. [picks up his plate, puts it in the sink and goes into the living room]  
  
[ERIC comes from the living room]  
  
KITTY: Oh Eric! I have something to tell you.  
  
ERIC: [stops] Mom. If this is about my body growing or anything like that, I think I learned enough of that from class and my growing body.   
  
KITTY: No no. [Eric sits next to her] Bob wants to throw Joanne a surprise party in our house. So I need you and Donna to help set up the party arrangements.  
  
ERIC: Sure thing mom. What do you need?  
  
KITTY: Well Bob wanted to set up a Mexican Celebration Theme and---  
  
ERIC: Umm... mom. Does Bob know we're in Wisconsin?  
  
KITTY: Just go get Red, white, and green streamers! We'll make something up.   
  
ERIC: [gets up and go] Alrighty then.  
****************************************************************************  
[Donna's Room. Jackie and Donna are making posters for Jackie's campaign.]  
  
JACKIE: Donna. I see no reason why I should post these posters up. I've been nice. So this year. I should win.   
  
DONNA: Okay. Laughing and pointing when a kid falls does not mean you've been nice.   
  
JACKIE: What? It was funny! I wanted to point it out!  
  
DONNA: Jackie... being nice requires you to... well.. not laugh and make jokes about other people.   
  
JACKIE: I have been nice! I haven't called you a lumberjack and tell you how bad those clothes look on you today! See! Nice!  
  
DONNA: Big improvement.  
  
JACKIE: I know! Being nice takes a lot of work. I should think more of others than myself.   
  
DONNA: Right. So you rooting for FEZ to win or Kelso?  
  
JACKIE: Oh it doesn't matter. As long as I win. Oh that reminds me Donna. [hands Donna a gift] Happy Birthday.   
  
DONNA: Oh my God. Thank you Jackie. You remembered?  
  
JACKIE: Yeah. Of course. This the day I get to be so nice to you.   
  
DONNA: Yeah. You could be nice every day.   
  
JACKIE: Yeah... I figured a gift would be easier.   
****************************************************************************  
[Forman Driveway. Hyde is massaging FEZ's back. FEZ is wearing warm-ups and matching jacket. FEZ is jumping up and down like he's going to run/box]  
  
HYDE: Okay little buddy. Who's cool?  
  
FEZ: I am!  
  
HYDE: Who's tough?  
  
FEZ: I AM!  
  
HYDE: Who's going to win Snow King!  
  
FEZ: KELSO!  
  
HYDE: No! You are!  
  
FEZ: I am!   
  
HYDE: Good. Now... you got this far to be nominated. Now all you have to do is win it.   
  
FEZ: What do I do Hyde?   
  
HYDE: You must appeal to the other social classes.   
  
FEZ: You mean...   
  
HYDE: Yes... [camera zoom in on face] The Nerds.   
****************************************************************************  
[School. Classroom. Stereotypical nerds/geeks are in the classroom playing chess. Hyde and FEZ walk inside.]  
  
NERD#1: Checkmate, you dork!  
  
NERD#3: Aww.. shucks!   
  
FEZ: Hyde... I'm scared.   
  
HYDE: Stay focused. We need their vote!  
  
NERD#2: Oh no! It's Steven Hyde! Hide everyone!  
  
[Nerds begin to exit the door.]  
  
FEZ: Wait! Wait! He's not going to hurt you!  
  
NERD#3: How do we know that!?!? It's Steven Hyde!!!  
  
HYDE: Sit down.   
  
[Nerds come back into the room and sit]  
  
HYDE: I'm not going to hurt you if you don't move. Now... my friend FEZ here needs your help. FEZ... the floor is all yours.   
  
FEZ: Hello Nerds! [Hyde hits him] I mean... Hello fellow classmates. I am here today to try to get your vote!  
  
NERD#2: Is that all you want us for? Our votes?  
  
FEZ: I will tell you why you should vote for me!  
  
NERD#1: Oh God. Another one of those guys.  
  
[Nerds laugh. Hyde stands up. Nerds are quiet]  
  
HYDE: Listen everyone. We are all going to listen to FEZ.  
  
FEZ: Thank you Hyde. Now! I have been nominated as Snow King.  
  
NERD#4: Why should we vote for you?   
  
NERD#5: Yeah. Only coming her because you want our votes! Psh!  
  
NERD#1: You know what. We can take you Steven Hyde.   
  
HYDE: Oh yeah. You and what army?  
  
FEZ: What are you going to do? Poke us with your pocket protectors.   
  
[HYDE and FEZ laugh]  
  
NERD#2: No... [snaps and a whole bunch of nerds stand up and form around Hyde and FEZ]  
  
FEZ: Oh.   
****************************************************************************  
[Forman Living Room. Donna and Eric are blowing up balloons and working on the streamers.]  
  
ERIC: Pretty nice of Bob to throw a surprise party for Joanne.   
  
DONNA: Yeah. That is nice of him. It's nice to be rememebered. Since it is her birthday.   
  
ERIC: Yeah. That's really nice. Oh Donna I forgot!  
  
DONNA: [rushes to look at Eric] Yes?  
  
ERIC: You don't think I forgot did you?  
  
DONNA: Oh good Eric! I was so scared that you'd forg---  
  
ERIC: [pulls up two corndogs from a plate] CORN DOG DAY at Sissy's Corn Dog Shack! [hands her a corn dog]  
  
DONNA: Gee... thank Eric.   
  
ERIC: [eats the corndog] Damn. How do they make these so good!   
  
DONNA: Yeah. [puts Corn Dog down and streamers down] Okay. I got to go.   
  
[Donna walks towards the Kitchen. Kelso comes out from the kitchen.]  
  
KELSO: Hey Donna!   
  
DONNA: Bye Kelso.  
  
KELSO: Oh! Happy Birthday Donna! [Eric eyes widen]  
  
DONNA: Thanks. At least you remembered! [leaves]  
  
KELSO: Hey Eric.  
  
ERIC: Oh my God! DONNA'S BIRTHDAY!!!  
  
KELSO: Yeah. I know. OOOO CORN DOGS! [takes a bite] How do they make these so good?!?!  
  
[Eric looks upset. Kelso is eating the corndog and is happy]  
  
[commercial]  
****************************************************************************  
[School. Classroom. Nerds are holding FEZ and Hyde hostage. ]  
  
FEZ: Let us go! We'll leave you alone!  
  
NERD#4: It's not that easy! You, Steven Hyde, have been a corruption to our society.   
  
HYDE: What the hell did I do? All you ever do is play chess. Oooo... big corruption.  
  
NERD#1: Remember Lance and his lazy eye!  
  
HYDE: Well.. that wasn't much of a fight.   
  
NERD#2: Silence! There is only one way we'll vote for you FEZ.   
  
FEZ: Anything. I'll do anything.   
  
NERD#3: Okay. You will be challenged by Charlie (Nerd#1) to a game of Chess.  
  
NERD#1: He shall be mine!!! [points to FEZ]  
  
NERD#2: FEZ is you win, we shall vote for you.  
  
HYDE: And if he loses?  
  
NERD#4: You are dating Jackie Burkhart, are you not?  
  
HYDE: Yeah. Jackie and I are together.   
  
[Nerds sigh.]  
  
NERD#3: You must bring her to a chess meeting. We worship her like Princess Leia.   
  
NERDS: Jackie Burkhart... [sigh]  
  
[FEZ and Hyde give each other a weird look]  
  
HYDE: Okay... deal.   
  
[Cut to: Chess Board in the center. FEZ is on one side being massaged by Hyde. Nerd#1 is on the other side being coaxed by his fellow nerds]  
  
NERD#4: Okay Charlie! Remember!   
  
HYDE: Okay FEZ. You know what to do?  
  
FEZ: I'm ready!  
  
[You see them clicking and moving their pieces. FEZ seems to know what he is doing.]  
  
NERD#1: Check.   
  
[FEZ and Nerd#1 continue to play. Nerd#2 and #4 drag Hyde out of the way]  
  
NERD#2: We would like to ask you a question Mr. Steven.   
  
HYDE: What about?  
  
NERD#4: The wonderful Jackie Burkhart.   
  
NERD#2: Oh. How is she like? You must tell us.   
  
HYDE: Jackie? [smiles] This might be useful. [Nerd#2 and #4 huddle around Hyde]  
  
[They continue to move their pieces. FEZ looks nervous. Nerd#1 looks nervous. Everything is in slow motion. Hyde's face is twisted. Nerds faces are worried. Nerd#2 whispers something in Nerd#1's ear. Nerd#1 smiles and nodds and continues to move and looks like he doesn't care about the game anymore]  
  
NERD#1: Oh Fez... you are just too good.   
  
[They continue to play]  
  
FEZ: CHECKMATE, you son of a bitch!  
  
[Slow motion: Nerds mourn at loss. Hyde and FEZ are excited and walk out of the room in triumph]  
****************************************************************************  
[Donna's Room. Donna is on her bed writing in her diary. Eric opens the door with something behind his back.]  
  
ERIC: Donna. I have something for you! [points to her] Now... close your eyes.   
  
DONNA: [unamused, closes her eyes] Look Eric. You can't buy me another corn dog.   
  
ERIC: No Donna. [hands her a box] Happy Birthday!  
  
DONNA: [opens her eyes] Wow Eric. You got me this in twenty minutes?  
  
ERIC: No... Donna... I knew it was your birthday.   
  
DONNA: Eric. Look. [Eric sits next to her] I love you.   
  
ERIC: Donna. I love you.  
  
DONNA: And I won't get mad if you tell me if you forgot. I just want us to be honest with each other.   
  
ERIC: And you won't get mad.   
  
DONNA: No Eric. We love each other too much.  
  
ERIC: Okay. I forgot.   
  
DONNA: [hits Eric] You jerk!!!  
  
ERIC: I thought you said you won't get mad.  
  
DONNA: I lied! How could you forget!?  
  
ERIC: Well... it's Joanne's birthday too... and you know the stress and everything. [Donna looks unamused] I love you?  
  
DONNA: Eric. I can't believe you forgot.   
  
ERIC: Look Donna. I'm sorry. I've just been so out of it with what's going on and everything. You know.   
  
DONNA: Yeah.  
  
ERIC: Donna. I'll make it up to you. We'll go out tomorrow night.  
  
DONNA: Eric... I don't need anything. I'd just like to be remembered.  
  
ERIC: I know Donna. [holds her hand] And we'll celebrate.   
  
DONNA: [looks at gift] So what did you get me?  
  
ERIC: That should not matter.   
  
DONNA: What? [opens it and pulls out certificate] Wow... I get TWO free Corn dogs are Sissy's Corn Dog Shack.   
  
ERIC: I know. I'll take that back.   
  
DONNA: No Eric. It's okay. I guess I can use this.  
  
ERIC: Really? It makes you always wonder how do they make them so good?  
  
[Donna hits Eric and Eric puts his arms around her and they fall onto the bed]  
****************************************************************************  
[Forman Living Room. Red, Hyde, Jackie, FEZ, Kelso, Donna, Eric setting up for the party]  
  
KITTY: [runs in from the kitchen] They're coming!!!  
  
[Everyone hides. Red turns off the lights. Joanne comes in.]  
  
JOANNE: Bob. I don't see why we're here. There's no one here.   
  
BOB: Don't worry Joanne. It's a surprise.   
  
JOANNE: At the Formans? Oh God Shoot M-  
  
EVERYONE: [lights go on] SURPRISE!  
  
JOANNE: Oh great. Bob... you shouldn't have. [smiles] Thank you everyone.   
  
BOB: Nothing is too good for my Joanne! [and looks at Donna] and for my Donna! Happy Birthday to the girls in my life. [puts his arm around Joanne and one arm around Donna]  
  
DONNA: Dad, You remembered?   
  
BOB: Of course and I got you a little something. [hands her a gift]   
  
DONNA: Thanks Dad. [she opens it and it's a Banjo] You really shouldn't have.   
  
BOB: Nothing is too good for my Little girl!  
  
KITTY: [hugs Joanne and is jumping up and down] Happy Birthday!  
  
JOANNE: Thank you Kitty!  
  
RED: [coughs] Happy Birthday, Joanne.  
  
JOANNE: Thanks Red.   
  
BOB: Joanne, open what I got you.   
  
JOANNE: Bob. It better not be a banjo... [begins to open it] Again...  
  
[Cut to Jackie, FEZ, Kelso and Hyde]  
  
KELSO: Hey Jackie. You're the shoo-in for Snow Queen. That means that we will be dancing together at the dance!  
  
HYDE: Don't be so sure of it Kelso.  
  
KELSO: And what makes you think that I'm not going to win.   
  
[Doorbell rings. Kitty goes to open the door. Nerd#1, 2, 3, 4 come in.]  
  
NERD#1: Mr. Steven. We are here like you have instructed us. [Nerds see Jackie] Jackie Burkhart.   
  
JACKIE: [unamused] Steven, we need to talk. [pulls him by the ear]  
  
HYDE: Ow! Ow!  
  
FEZ: [turns to the Nerds] I'm glad you could make it. Have some drinks.  
  
[Eric comes to FEZ]  
  
ERIC: [tugs on FEZ] What are they doing here?  
  
FEZ: They are what going to make me win and Kelso lose.   
  
KELSO: Hey! That's cheating. They are... like... Nerds!  
  
FEZ: Oh... I could taste the smell of victory already!  
  
DONNA: FEZ... I think you got that wrong...  
  
FEZ: [holds one hand up] I know what I said!  
  
[cut to:]  
  
JACKIE: What are they doing here?  
  
HYDE: I don't know.   
  
JACKIE: Steven. You don't invite them here. They are not good for my campaign to be nice!  
  
HYDE: Jackie. They are here for FEZ.   
  
JACKIE: Still. They creep me out. I don't like the way they are looking at me.   
  
[Camera goes to one nerd who is kind of drooling looking at Jackie]  
  
[Cut to: Nerd #3 standing next to Donna. Nerd smiles at her. Donna moves. Nerd moves closer to her]  
  
DONNA: You know I could kick your ass. [Nerd moves away]  
  
[Cut to:]  
  
BOB: So Joanne... you having a good time?  
  
JOANNE: Yes. This is a great birthday Bob.  
  
NERD #4: Yes. This birthday is pleasant. I'm Melvin! May I kiss the birthday girl?  
  
JOANNE / BOB: No.   
  
[cut to:]  
  
NERD: [to Red] And so the hydrochloric gas would just consume the Earth if you leave it like that.   
  
RED: [looks at a nerd] You're a little creepy.   
  
[cut to:]  
  
[Eric taps Donna on her shoulder.]   
  
ERIC: [holds out a cupcake with a candle in it and it's lit] Make a wish.   
  
DONNA: Eric. That's so sweet. [closes her eyes to make wish and blows on candle]  
  
ERIC: So what did you wish for?  
  
DONNA: It's a secret.   
  
ERIC: Come on you can tell me. I know I know. If you want me to be your love slave for the night... okay... you win!   
  
DONNA: Shut up.   
  
[Donna laughs and hugs him. Eric laughs.]  
****************************************************************************  
[Credits]  
  
[School. Auditorium. Dance-like scenery. Jackie and Hyde come inside. Jackie is pretty in her dress. Hyde comes in his normal get-up. Kelso comes in with Pam Macy. Eric and Donna come in together. FEZ comes in in a tux and looks GREAT!]  
  
PRINCIPAL: [to microphone] Testing. Testing. 1... 2... 3...   
  
GUY: We hear you already!   
  
PRINCIPAL: I will see you in my office Mr. Shoemaker! Anyways... we are going to annouce this year's King and Queen. For this year's queen... we have... Jackie Burkhart! [everyone claps]  
  
[Jackie comes on stage and principal is going to crown her, but she takes it and puts it on and smiles]  
  
PRINCIPAL: Now... for Winter King...   
  
[FEZ and Kelso's faces flash and their eyes are shown. Slow motion. The principal lips move slowly and then there is a spark in the stereo, so no one heard the principal!]  
  
[normal motion]  
PRINCIPAL: Bring him up here!!! [everyone claps]   
  
[Slow motion. Kelso and FEZ do not know who won Snow King and look confuse. So both of them rush up to the front of the stage in fast speed and they both look like they are going to crash into the principal. Kelso's face looks scared as he realizes he's going to crash into the principal. FEZ's face looks shocked as he realizes he's going to crash into the principal. The principal's face looks scared as he notices both of the guys are coming afterhim.]  
  
PRINCIPAL: Nooooooo!  
  
[CRASH]  
  
[Eric and Donna's face look like they are in pain and look away. Jackie looks away. Hyde is left there.. smiling.]  
**************************************************************************** 


	11. Episode 11: To My Baby

Episode 11: To My Baby  
  
*************************************************************************  
[Forman Driveway. Hyde, Jackie, Kelso, Donna, FEZ and Eric. Hyde and Kelso are shooting hoops. Eric, Donna, FEZ, Jackie are on the front hood of the vista cruiser. Donna is reading papers.]  
  
KELSO: And then I said, "Your face is like a tomato, tomato head!"  
  
[Gang smile]  
  
FEZ: Oh Kelso, you're so witty.  
  
ERIC: [looks at Donna] Hey Donna. What are you reading?  
  
[Hyde and Kelso stop shooting and stop to look at what Donna is reading]  
  
DONNA: Oh. I'm in charge of this new column in my school paper.   
  
ERIC: Wow Donna. That's so cool.  
  
DONNA: [cocky funny] Yeah! [nods] And get this... it's called, "Dear Donna!"  
  
HYDE: [puts his arm around Jackie] So you're helping people with their problems.   
  
JACKIE: Aw. Donna that's nice of you. I think I should try to do a nice thing like that.  
  
ERIC: Yeah that would be goo-  
  
JACKIE: Eric, shove it!  
  
KELSO: So what did losers write to you about?  
  
DONNA: Shut up Kelso. They just want advice.  
  
FEZ: If a girl ever wrote that she was desperate and wants to do it, I'd write her, "FEZ will take care of you" [does Stallion face]  
  
JACKIE: So what did they write?  
  
DONNA: Well this one guy wrote that he wished he could get this girl to like him. But he thinks she's out of his league. So he wonder what he could do.  
  
HYDE: Forman, did you write Donna a letter?  
  
KELSO: I know, you could tell him FAT CHANCE!  
  
FEZ: Kelso, you know that's mean. If Eric could do it, ANYONE can.   
  
[Eric rolls his eyes]  
  
JACKIE: So what are you going to put?  
  
DONNA: That if she doesn't notice him for who he is. Then she's not worth his time.   
  
[Jackie laughs]   
  
JACKIE: Oh Donna. That's so funny.   
  
DONNA: Jackie, I'm serious.   
  
JACKIE: Donna. We NEED men who pine for us. If you tell the guys who love the popular girls not to like them anymore, then we wouldn't be popular, pretty girls. Like me, Donna!  
  
DONNA: Yeah...   
  
FEZ: [grabs a letter from Donna] Dear Donna, I am lonely. Please send me FEZ. Pleaseeeeeeeeeeeee.  
  
DONNA: It doesn't say that.   
  
FEZ: Hey! Who is reading it here!  
*************************************************************************  
[Forman Living Room. Red and Bob are watching TV. Eric comes in.]  
  
RED: Eric. Why aren't you doing your chores?  
  
ERIC: Oh dad. Sorry. I have something important to do. I'll do them later.  
  
RED: What do you have planned?   
  
ERIC: Well me and the guys wanted to go to the Hub and hang out.   
  
RED: That is more important that the chores?  
  
ERIC: [looks at Red] No sir.   
  
BOB: Red, be easy on the kid.   
  
RED: Shut up Bob. Eric, you want me to treat you like a grown up. You better start acting like one, not like some dumbass. Once you become a grown up, you're out of this house. Now... go and mow the grass.  
  
ERIC: I love you too daddy.   
  
BOB: Oh Eric. Could you tell Donna I wanna talk to her?  
  
[Eric nods and leaves]  
  
BOB: Red, why do you have to be so hard on the boy. He's a good kid you know.   
  
RED: What do you know Bob. You think banjos are God's greatest gifts.   
  
BOB: They are you know.   
  
[Bob pulls out a banjo. Red rolls his eyes.]  
  
[Credits]  
*************************************************************************  
[Alley outside the Hub. Hyde, FEZ, Kelso are walking through talking and laughing. A UNKNOWN GUY comes in with a large bag looking suspicious and nervous.]  
  
KELSO: And then I said, Hey Donald Duck called, he wants his hat back.  
  
[Guys laugh]  
  
FEZ: How do you do it?  
  
HYDE: Yeah man whatever.   
  
[They notice the unknown guy]  
  
UNKNOWN GUY: Hey. You can have this. [Hands the bag to Hyde] But you didn't get it from me. You do not know who I am.   
  
HYDE: But I don't know who you are.   
  
UNKNOWN GUY: PERFECT man. I nearly fell for it. Remember... you don't know me!  
  
HYDE: But I don't.  
  
UNKNOWN GUY: Man... you're killing me with this. You're awesome man!  
  
[Unknown guy leaves. Hyde, FEZ, Kelso looks confused.]  
  
KELSO: What's in the bag?  
  
FEZ: I hope it's candy.   
  
KELSO: Hey! What if it was nudie magazines? Open the bag!  
  
FEZ: Yes! Open the bag! I want my candy!  
  
HYDE: No. What if it is a government transmitter? Probably tracking us right now.   
  
FEZ: Yes we know about your government exporations! Open the bag! I want my candy!  
  
KELSO: Wait... what if it's a dead body?  
  
FEZ: Nudie here has a point.   
  
[HYDE and FEZ freeze, Hyde drops the bag. The thing thumps.]  
  
HYDE: Oh screw it. I'm opening it.   
  
[Hyde opens it and a bright light shines. He has a LARGE smile. Then he closes it.]  
  
HYDE: It's nothing. I'll just take this home.   
  
FEZ: What is it?  
  
KELSO: Hyde... come on tell us.   
  
HYDE: Fine. [Hyde takes out a plant]  
  
FEZ: Oh it's just a plant.   
  
KELSO: I didn't know you like plants Hyde.   
  
HYDE: No you idiots. Look what kind of plant it is.   
  
[Kelso and FEZ look at it intensely thinking]  
  
HYDE: It's a marijuana plant!   
  
KELSO: Oh man!   
  
FEZ: Oh! It's like growing candy!  
*************************************************************************  
[Pinciotti Kitchen. Donna is working on letters. Jackie comes in from the door.]  
  
JACKIE: Hey Donna. Let's go shopping.  
  
DONNA: I can't right now Jackie. I got to work on these letters. Some of these are actually hard to answer.   
  
JACKIE: [sits down] Maybe I could help. [Jackie reading through some letters]  
  
DONNA: You? Jackie... I don't think...  
  
JACKIE: She should tell the teacher since all the kids are teasing her. [puts letter down]  
  
DONNA: [looks at the letter] Yeah... that is good advice.   
  
JACKIE: Or she could get her big brother to kick their asses.   
  
DONNA: Wow Jackie. Okay. How about this one... 'Dear Donna... I was trying to get this guy to like me. But for some reason... He didn't find me attractive. I don't get it? I wore my teal skirt and favorite orange sweater----  
  
JACKIE: Ewwww... No wonder! Okay! Here is what she should do!  
  
DONNA: Jackie. I didn't finish the letter.   
  
JACKIE: DONNA, do you want my help? [Donna rolls her eyes. Jackie keeps talking]  
  
DONNA: Okay! We'll go shopping.   
  
JACKIE: [puts her stuff down and claps] YAY! [gets up]  
  
[Donna and Jackie leave. Papers are still on the desk. Eric comes in from the living room door.]  
  
ERIC: Donna?  
  
[Eric looks down at the papers. He picks up one and reads it. His eyes widen at one letter in particular. He sits down and reads it.]  
  
GIRL VOICE: Dear Donna, My boyfriend and I broke up because he offered to give me a promise ring, but I didn't feel like being so committed yet. I still wanted to be with him, but I didn't want the ring. What do I do? He refuses to admit that he was wrong! I know I'm not wrong. I still love him. Please help. Sign, Help.  
  
DONNA'S VOICE: Dear Help, I kind of know how you feel. And you know what, you're right and he's wrong. You should not feel stuck in your relationship. Remember, he's wrong! WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!  
  
[Eric stops and looks up.]  
  
ERIC: Oh God.   
*************************************************************************  
[Forman Kitchen. Kitty is cooking. Red comes in from the living room.]  
  
RED: We're out of popcorn. I swear, Bob is like a disposal service.   
  
[Kitty gets the stuff to make popcorn.]  
  
RED: Kitty, do you think I'm too hard on Eric?   
  
KITTY: Not hard,... overbearing, but not hard.   
  
RED: I just want him to have a bring future with no hardships.   
  
KITTY: [kisses him on the cheek] He knows and he appreciates it.   
  
RED: Cept he has to be a dumbass about it.   
  
KITTY: [laughs] MMMM... Popcorn.   
  
*************************************************************************  
[Forman Basement. Hyde is watering the plant. FEZ and Kelso are watching him. Jackie is sitting reading a magazine.]  
  
FEZ: How is the fern doing?  
  
HYDE: It's not a fern. It's my baby.   
  
KELSO: [gets up and gets close to the plant] Hyde man! When are we going to use her?  
  
HYDE:[Blocks him] Stay back Kelso. I don't want you to go near her.   
  
JACKIE: Steven! It's just a stupid plant!  
  
HYDE: Shhh... she migt hear you.   
  
JACKIE: [groans] Fine... you can stay with your stupid plant!  
  
HYDE: [whispers to the plant] Don't worry. She's just jealous.  
  
KELSO: I always wanted a pet plant.   
  
FEZ: I had a pet plant once before. I had to throw it away because it peed all over the floor.   
  
[Everyone looked at him weird.]  
  
FEZ: That and it ate the cat. [whispers to himself] Stupid plant bastard.  
  
KITTY: [comes down] Steven.   
  
HYDE: [tries to hide the plant] Yes Mrs. Forman?  
  
KITTY: What are you doing?   
  
HYDE: Nothing. Just talking to my friends.   
  
FEZ: And watering your baby.   
  
HYDE: FEZ!  
  
KITTY: Baby? What baby? [looks over Hyde and sees the plant] Oh Steven! I didn't know you like plants!  
  
KELSO: [to FEZ and Jackie] Just that kind!  
  
HYDE: Mrs. Forman! I can explain.  
  
KITTY: Explain what? This is a healthy little fern! I didn't know you were a plant lover Steven.  
  
HYDE: Of course I am Mrs. Forman.   
  
KITTY: Well... let me see. [She examines each leaf] What a odd looking fern! Steven. If you ever want help taking care of it, I'll give you the extra nutrients that it needs.   
  
HYDE: Thanks Mrs. Forman. I can take care of it.   
  
KITTY: [smells it and eyes blink and then laughs] What an interesting smell. [smells it more and blinks out of it] [Laughs] I'll just... I'll just go now and cook dinner! [almost trips and laughs] [Leaves upstairs]  
  
FEZ: Oiy, that was a close one.   
  
JACKIE: Steven, can we go out now? I need a ride to cheer practice.   
  
FEZ: I'll take you to cheer practice.   
  
JACKIE: FEZ, remember the last time you took me to practice.   
  
FEZ: I promise I will not run under the pyramid.   
  
JACKIE: And...  
  
FEZ: And pretend to be one of the male cheerleaders.   
  
JACKIE: And...   
  
FEZ: And play with their pom poms.   
  
JACKIE: Okay good. [They start to leave from the door and FEZ looks at Kelso and Hyde and smiles and winks]  
  
[Eric comes the door and says bye to Jackie and FEZ]  
  
ERIC: You guys won't believe this.   
  
HYDE: You gained two pounds.   
  
ERIC: Yeah that too. Anyways... I was at Donna's house.  
  
KELSO: Aw man! This must be good! [jumps on the couch to listen intensely] You tried on her underwear!  
  
ERIC: [looks at Kelso and then back at Hyde] There was a letter on the table for Donna for her "Dear Donna" column and the girl had the same situation as Donna and me break up. And you know what Donna put... that I was wrong and she was right!  
  
HYDE: Well, you were wrong and she was right. [smiles]  
  
ERIC: No that's the thing. We never talked about who was right and who was wrong. She has no right saying I was wrong when I was right.   
  
KELSO: Wait... so she was right about being wrong? I'm so lost man! Is this a trick?  
  
HYDE: Man [brings his plant over to the table and sits on his chair] Just forget about it man. It's going to make it worse.   
  
ERIC: I can't. How could I forget about it? How?  
*************************************************************************  
360 Circle.   
  
ERIC: Oh yeah. I can forget.   
  
KELSO: Forget what man?  
  
ERIC: I don't know. What were we talking about?  
  
[Camera to Plant. Remains quiet]  
  
HYDE: Oh yeah. I need a name for her.  
  
KELSO: I know! How about Yolanda! I saw that name for a hot chick before. She was HOT!  
  
ERIC: If I had a plant, I'd name her Donna, because I love her so much. Wait... Aren't I mad at Donna? Wait? Who?  
  
[Camera to Plant. Remains quiet.]  
  
HYDE: I know! I'll name her Fernie! Since she's like a FERN MAN! With the large leaves man!   
  
KELSO: [laughing] Like a fern man! Yeah! I knew a chick name Fernie man... or was it Julie? Wait... was it a man?  
  
ERIC: Wait? Am I mad or not? I'm so confused. I love Donna, right?  
  
[Camera to plant. Remains quiet]  
  
HYDE: It looks like someone is hungry. [pours water on plant]  
  
[Commercial]  
*************************************************************************  
[Donna's Room. Donna is reading over her letters and writing them. Eric opens the door, still high a little bit.]  
  
ERIC: Donna?  
  
DONNA: Hey Eric. What's going on?   
  
ERIC: I am here for you because... because...-- [sees the letters on the bed] Okay. Now I remember. Donna... [points] YOU'RE WRONG! [and then runs into the door trying to go out.] Ow. [turns to Donna] I'm okay. [runs out -- leaves]  
  
[Donna looks weirded out - like What the hell?]  
*************************************************************************  
[Forman Basement. Hyde is on the couch and the plant is on the table. Jackie is sitting next to him.]  
  
JACKIE: Steven, you got to get rid of this plant.   
  
HYDE: Jackie, why should I?  
  
JACKIE: Because it's taking time from us!  
  
HYDE: Can't you see Fernie needs me right now.   
  
JACKIE: I can't believe you named it! [stands up] It's a plant for goodness sake!  
  
HYDE: Jackie, you are hurting her feelings.   
  
JACKIE: Steven! It's a plant! It doesn't have feelings!  
  
HYDE: [hugs Fernie and then lets go] Fine... we'll go out. How about that?  
  
JACKIE: Really Steven?  
  
HYDE: Yes.  
  
[They start to leave and Hyde takes the plant out with them. Jackie stares at him. Hyde puts the plant down and leaves with Jackie through the door. FEZ comes down from the stairs with Kelso.]  
  
KELSO: And then I said, "You're like a wannabe me!"  
  
FEZ: [laughs] Oh Good one!   
  
KELSO: I know. [sees Hyde's plant unattended] Look! It's Fernie. Let's smoke her.   
  
FEZ: [stops him] Hyde would kill us if he found out.   
  
KELSO: Oh come on FEZ. We'll just take one leaf. It's not that he would notice.   
  
FEZ: Hmmm... okay.   
  
[KELSO and FEZ are around the plant touching it]  
*************************************************************************  
[Same scene. Three hours later. FEZ and KELSO are on the couch smiling. The plant looks dead with no leaves at all. All used up.]  
  
KELSO: And then I said, "You're like a sponge, sponge brain!"   
  
FEZ: HAHAHAHA... Genuis!  
  
KELSO: Hey FEZ, lets get another.   
  
FEZ: [looks and sees the plant is completely used] Uhh... Kelso. It is gone! [taps Kelso]  
  
KELSO: [looks] Oh well.   
  
FEZ: Oh well? Oh well? [slaps Kelso] Hyde is going to kill us!  
  
KELSO: [jumps us] Oh no!  
  
FEZ: What are we going to do?  
  
KELSO: I know. I need green paper, glue, and a slinky.   
  
FEZ: Why a slinky?   
  
KELSO: Just because we are doing this, doesn't mean I can't have fun FEZ!  
  
FEZ: Jumps to get the stuff Kelso listed.   
*************************************************************************  
[Same Scene. A few hours later. Jackie and Hyde come inside and see Kelso on the couch.]  
  
KELSO: Hey guys!  
  
JACKIE: Hey.  
  
KELSO: How was shopping?  
  
JACKIE: Oh it was great! I bought Steven some new pants for him to wear when we go out dancing! Right Steven.   
  
HYDE: Jackie... I told you not to tell anybody!   
  
KELSO: Heh Heh BURN!  
  
HYDE: [looks to find Fernie] Hey. Where is Fernie?  
  
KELSO: [jumps up and laughs nervously] That's a funny story.  
  
HYDE: Oh really. [walks toward Kelso, arms crossed] Wanna tell us the funny story?  
  
KELSO: You see... FEZ took it for a walk because it looked tired. And you know FEZ, in his country they have a lot of plants, so he knows how to take care of them. So he took it for a walk.   
  
HYDE: FEZ took MY Fernie for a walk?  
  
KELSO: Yeah.   
  
[FEZ comes in holding a fern (It's NOT Fernie - it is an actual FERN)]  
  
FEZ: We're back from our walk!  
*************************************************************************  
[Forman Kitchen. Eric is at the table drinking coffee. Red comes in from the living room.]  
  
RED: Did you do all the chores?  
  
ERIC: [coming out of the highness] Yes, but you don't have to yell.  
  
RED: Good. [Red takes out his wallet and gives Eric $10] Here.   
  
ERIC: What is this for?   
  
RED: For your chores.   
  
ERIC: Thanks Dad.   
  
RED: You did a good job.  
  
ERIC: Dad... does this mean we're friends?  
  
RED: [puts his hand on Eric]... No. [leaves through to the living room]  
  
[Donna comes in through the slide door, holding letters]   
  
DONNA: Eric, what the hell?  
  
ERIC: Hey Donna. [realizes what he did. He stands up] Hey Donna!  
  
DONNA: I'm wrong? I'm wrong? Wrong about what?  
  
ERIC: Look Donna. I read what you wrote to the girl who had the same break up we did.   
  
DONNA: You read the letters that were written to me?  
  
ERIC: Well... I didn't actually read... it just happen to fall across my hand and my eyes just happened to apprehend what was said on the paper.   
  
DONNA: Eric, those were personal letters.   
  
ERIC: Donna. We didn't resolve who was wrong and who was right. And you wrote that I was wrong wrong wrong?  
  
DONNA: One... you had no right reading what was written to me. Two... They are not us. Three.. I didn't finish that person's letter. Here, I said in the end. [she opens the letter and reads] But you must not also put the fault against him. You are also at fault also, because you must understand what he wants. And if you truly love each other, you'd find a way back to each other, like me and my true love did. [looks at Eric]  
  
ERIC: [smiles] Donna. That's so... wow you actually wrote that?  
  
DONNA: Eric. I mean it.   
  
ERIC: Donna I'm so sorry. I should of talked to you about it.   
  
[They hug]  
  
DONNA: It's okay. Besides... I was right.   
  
[Eric opens his mouth to say something]  
  
DONNA: Don't even think about it.   
*************************************************************************  
[Credits]   
  
[Forman Basement. Kitty and Hyde are in there. The fern is on the washing machine.]  
  
KITTY: [pouring nutrients and water into the plant] And then you poor the nutrients into the fern and then water it.   
  
HYDE: [uninterested] Yes Mrs. Forman.   
  
KITTY: And if you want, [rubs the leaves] You can massage it so it can feel healthy. Come on you try.   
  
HYDE: [uninterested, rubs the leaves]   
  
KITTY: Good!!! I see your fern has grown so well!   
  
[HYDE puts his head down.]  
************************************************************************* 


	12. Episode 12: May the Force Be With You

Episode 12: May the Force Be With You  
  
******************************************************************  
[Forman Basement. Hyde, Jackie, Donna, FEZ, Kelso. Jackie is sitting on Hyde in his chair. Donna and FEZ are on the couch. Kelso in his chair reading a magazine. Eric comes in from the side door.]   
  
ERIC: Hey guys! I have the best news!  
  
JACKIE: You grew a inch? [Hyde smiles at Jackie]  
  
ERIC: [pauses] Actually... yeah I did. [back to normal] Okay! Donna. I got us tickets!  
  
DONNA: OoooO! Tickets! Ticket to? Oh my gosh! Did you get me tickets to the Nugent Concert I wanted to go to?  
  
ERIC: No! Even better.   
  
KELSO: Oh! Is it a monkey show? If it is, then I'd go!   
  
FEZ: I would go too. The monkeys have a way with me. [everyone looks at him. He looks side to side] [pause] Those damn monkey bastards!  
  
DONNA: So where?   
  
ERIC: The Star Wars Convention! [shows three tickets]  
  
HYDE / JACKIE / KELSO / FEZ / DONNA: :moan: / :moan: / Ack / Ack / Oh... that's nice...   
  
ERIC: Yeah! I got three tickets... one for me, one for you, and one for my best buddy...   
  
FEZ: Oh Eric! I'd love to go!  
  
ERIC: Yeah...[pats FEZ] sit tight there buddy. [Looks at Hyde] So?  
  
HYDE: No.   
  
ERIC: [goes over to Hyde, Jackie gets off Hyde and onto the couch] Oh come on. The force can be with [points] YOU!  
  
HYDE: [hits Eric's hand] No way man. I don't want to be around any dorks -- I already have you, Kelso and FEZ  
  
KELSO: Hey! I am not a dork! Dorks do not have feathered hair!  
  
DONNA: Eric I don't think I could go.   
  
ERIC: What? [walks over to her] Why? Did I mention it was Star Wars?  
  
DONNA: Yeah... I heard you, but my dad wants to have this father-daughter weekend. You know. Since we'll be graduating soon.   
  
ERIC: Oh... then... who am I going to go with?  
  
JACKIE: I'll go.  
  
ERIC: [ignores her] I have no clue. [sits on the couch]  
  
JACKIE: I'll go Eric!  
  
ERIC: Donna. I don't know who to take.   
  
JACKIE: [gets up and grabs two tickets] Thank you. [walks to Hyde] Steven. Let's go.   
  
HYDE: Jackie. Why would you be interested in going to see guys dressing up like Star Wars characters looking like idiots? All I would do is just point and laugh at them. [smiles] Oh you're good. [to Eric] I'm in, man.   
  
KELSO: [reading magazine] Look at this. Harrison Ford. Psshh! I could be such a better Han Solo.   
  
ERIC: Oh Harrison Ford. I don't think he'll make it anywhere in the future. I mean... psh! Han Solo?  
  
KELSO: You know who's going to be big... [gets up and walks behind the couch]... Chubacca!   
  
FEZ: Yes... the ladies love strong, hairy men. [looks at Jackie] So how is it? [Jackie looks at him blankly]   
  
[Openning Credits]  
******************************************************************  
[Forman Kitchen. Red is in his Pricemart jacket eating breakfast. Kitty is setting up breakfast for Eric and Hyde behind the sink. Hyde and Eric come in from the living room.]  
  
ERIC: And I'm going to wear a costume that looks like Luke Skywalker! [looks at Kitty] Mom, do you have my outfit ready?  
  
KITTY: [excited] Yes! I do!   
  
[Kitty goes to the counter and brings a box from the floor and puts it on the table. Pulls out a dress-like outfit - A TOGA]   
  
KITTY: TA-DA! One Luke Skywalker being beamed up!  
  
ERIC: [whines] Mom... that's not Luke Skywalker's outfit. That's like [whispers to her ear] Princess Leia's outfit.   
  
KITTY: Oh Eric. Stop! Here! Try it on! It's so snazzy! [Helps Eric put it on and then looks at him] See! You're like a Greek Luke Skywalker!  
  
RED: He's like a Greek Dumbass if you tell me. [Red and Hyde look at each other and laugh] I don't see why you want to go to this convention. [grabs for doughnut on the table]  
  
KITTY: [walks towards him] Red Forman [takes the doughnut away] The doctor told you to stay away from fatty foods.  
  
RED: Kitty... I don't see why you're so worried. I ate roast pig last night.   
  
KITTY: You know what they say. You are what you eat!  
  
HYDE: [laughs and looks at Eric] If that's true, then I'm fast, cheap and easy.   
  
[Eric laughs]  
  
RED: Eric...You need to concentrate on school, not some stupid Star Wars crap. How is Star Wars going to help your future?  
  
ERIC: Well... I was hoping one day the force would come help me motivate my professors to let me pass.   
  
RED: I can't believe you're wasting your weekend on this.   
  
ERIC: [points] Hey! The Force is not being wasted! [looks down at what he's wearing and takes it off violently] Hyde is going too?  
  
HYDE: Yeah... [gets up to put bowl in the sink] Jackie and I thought it'd be good to have a laugh now and then together.   
  
KITTY: Well... I think it's fun! Our son has a hobby, like a little boy. [puts her hand on his shoulder] My little boy.   
  
ERIC: Mom! [moves away and looks at her] We talked about this. I'm a man.   
  
KITTY: I know. [crying-like and points to Eric looking at Red] He's a MAN! [goes to the living room]   
  
RED: [annoyed] See what you did! [gets up and heads toward the living room] Why did you have to lie to her? [mumbles as he leaves] Man... Dumbass is more like it!  
******************************************************************  
[Outside the Hub. Kelso and FEZ are in Kelso's van.]  
  
KELSO: Man... we need chicks.   
  
FEZ: I know... we are a bunch of good looking men!   
  
KELSO: Yes we are!   
  
FEZ: Kelso. [puts arm around Kelso] I'm glad you are my boy friend.   
  
KELSO: [moves FEZ's arm quickly] FEZ! What did I tell you about calling me that?  
  
FEZ: I'm sorry. I'm glad [puts arm around Kelso] you are my man friend.   
  
KELSO: That's better.  
  
[Shows brunette walking towards the Hub]  
  
KELSO: Oh look! A hot girl just walked into the Hub. Watch the magic.   
  
[You see from the Van (FEZ'S POV) - You can't hear them: Kelso gets out and he talks to her. Her back is turned to the camera, so you don't see her and they talk. She walks into the Hub. Kelso smiles and comes back in the car.]  
  
KELSO: How was that!?!   
  
FEZ: You call that magic? Where my magic you son of a bitch?!?!  
******************************************************************  
[Pinciotti living room. Bob and Donna are on the couch.]  
  
BOB: Oh Donna! I can't wait to spend this weekend with you.   
  
DONNA: Yeah. Dad... I'm excited too.   
  
[They remain quiet and still on the couch for a while]  
  
BOB: [small laugh] So... how are you?   
  
DONNA: I'm doing good. And you?  
  
BOB: Not so good.  
  
DONNA: Why? What's wrong?  
  
BOB: I have a rash [starts pointing to butt] down here in my---  
  
DONNA: Okay dad! Never mind!  
  
[They remain quiet and still on the couch for awhile]  
  
DONNA: So... [clasps her hands together]  
  
BOB: [small laughs and looks like he's going to say something... but then stops and be quiet again]  
  
DONNA: [looks around] Yeah...   
******************************************************************  
[Inside the HUB. Kelso and FEZ enters and Kelso points to a brown hair girl - her back is facing us. Kelso and FEZ walk up to her.]  
  
KELSO: There she is. Kristen! HEY KRISTEN!  
  
[Kristen turns and she looks like Kelso's twin - but a girly way. FEZ gasps.]  
  
KRISTEN: Hey Michael.   
  
KELSO: FEZ, this is Kristen.  
  
FEZ: Hell.. o... [uncomfortable]  
  
KRISTEN: Hey! You're that foreign kid with the foreign accent!  
  
FEZ: Yes... tha's me.   
  
KRISTEN: WOW! I never met a foreigner before!   
  
KELSO: Well this is your lucky day! FEZ here is foreign! His tribe was able to conquer Europe you know.   
  
KRISTEN: WOW! Can you speak English?  
  
[FEZ gives Kelso a weird look. Kelso just shrugs]  
  
FEZ: [looks at her] Yes.   
  
KELSO: So... Kristen! Want to go out with me this Saturday?  
  
KRISTEN: [dim-wit] SURE!   
  
KELSO: Oh... and can you bring a friend for my little buddy here. [puts arm around FEZ]  
  
KRISTEN: Sure! So who do you want me to hook up?  
  
[Kelso and FEZ look at each other again]  
  
KELSO: FEZ.   
  
KRISTEN: Oh okay!   
  
KELSO: Yeah... so Kristen can you get me and my buddy here a drink.   
  
KRISTEN: Okay! [goes to the ordering place]   
  
[Kelso and FEZ move away and huddle]  
  
KELSO: So what do you think? Pretty hot, huh? Yup... I hit the motherload!  
  
FEZ: Doesn't she look like someone YOU know?  
  
KELSO: [looks at her. Kristen smiles and waves] Nu-uh.  
  
FEZ: She looks like you, you whore!  
  
KELSO: No way! Kristen? She does not look like me! You can get any hotter than this. [points to himself] And besides... if she looked like me. I would know. I look at myself ALL THE TIME!  
******************************************************************  
[Convention Center. Jackie and Hyde walk in wearing normal clothes.]  
  
HYDE: Forman. Come on. You're the one who wanted to come to this so badly.  
  
JACKIE: Eric. You should be used to people looking at you funny.   
  
ERIC: Fine. [comes out wearing the toga]   
  
R2D2 look-alike: [walks past Eric, looks up and down] Nice Costume Casear! [walks away]  
  
ERIC: That's it... [going to go after the R2D2 guy]  
  
[Jackie and Hyde pulls him back and they continue to walk]  
  
HYDE: I've never seen so many geeks in one room.   
  
JACKIE: No. Remember that one time you were trapped in the band room with the woodwind section.   
  
HYDE: Oh yeah. Worse night of my life.   
  
[Jackie and Hyde are walking around. Leia Look alike walks by.]  
  
JACKIE: Psh. I've seen better buns than that.   
  
[Eric walks into a Chubacca lookalike.]  
  
ERIC: Hey! Great costume!  
  
Chubacca lookalike: Costume?  
  
ERIC: Right...   
  
[Eric keeps on walking. He sees there is a line to get an autograph from Mark Hamil. It's LONG. He goes at the end of the line and then a pregnant Princess Leia comes next to Eric.]  
  
Pregnant Princess Leia: Hello. Who are you suppose to be?  
  
ERIC: [quietly] Luke Skywalker...   
  
Pregnant Princess Leia: Well... [looks up and down at him] you kind of do look like him... in a Greek way.   
  
ERIC: Hey! My mother worked hard on this outfit!  
  
Pregnant Princess Leia: Really? I couldn't tell.   
  
ERIC: IT WAS A GALAXY FAR FAR AWAY!  
  
[They remail quiet. They roll their eyes.]  
******************************************************************  
[Forman Kitchen. Red and Kitty are at the table. Red is reading the newspaper. Kitty is drinking water.]  
  
RED: It's quiet in here.  
  
KITTY: Yup.   
  
RED: No kids?  
  
KITTY: Nope.  
  
RED: huh...   
  
[Red and Kitty look at each other and dash towards the living room. Then Bon and Donna come in from the screen door.]  
  
BOB: Red! Kitty! You're here!   
  
DONNA: Thank God!  
  
[Red and Kitty stop and turn around.]  
  
RED: Dammit Bob! What do you want?  
  
BOB: Well... Donna and I were spending quality time together and everything.  
  
KITTY: Then why are you here? [laughs] Go spend time together!  
  
RED: Get out.   
  
DONNA: Mr. Forman. My father and I were wondering if you guys would like to go out with us. [does desperate face] PLEASE.   
  
RED: Look Donna---  
  
KITTY: Aww! You're inviting us!   
  
DONNA: Yes... please.   
  
BOB: We could go bowling!  
  
KITTY: Yay! Bowling RED! Someone is inviting us out. It's been sooo long! [jumps up and down] I'll go get my shoes! [runs to the living room]  
  
RED: [rolls his eyes - to Donna] You owe us.   
  
DONNA: [silently] Thank you!  
******************************************************************  
[Forman Basement. FEZ and Kelso are sitting watching TV: MASH]   
  
KELSO: You know someday I'll be a cop and then I will be in charge of the military!  
  
FEZ: Yes... it makes me feel like home again.   
  
KELSO: There is a military where you live?  
  
FEZ: No just the sand and the wind.   
  
[Red walks down and sees them.]  
  
RED: What are you two idiots doing here? [goes to them] Don't you have your own parents to bother?  
  
KELSO: My mother told me to go bother you guys.   
  
RED: Get out. [grabs bowling bag from the shower]  
  
FEZ: I see you are going bowling. Would you like some company?  
  
KELSO: Yeah! I could bring Kristen!  
  
RED: No. [walks upstairs and is gone]  
  
KELSO: You heard the man. Let's go!  
  
[FEZ and Kelso leaves from the side door]  
******************************************************************  
[Star Wars Convention. Jackie and Hyde are walking around and sees a Luke Skywalker lookalike and Darth Vader lookalike arms around each other bonding.]  
  
JACKIE: It's so sad.   
  
HYDE: It's like watching father and son... well.. too bad they aren't.   
  
[Jackie and Hyde then turn around and bump into Ron dressed up as Obi-Wan Kenobi.]  
  
RON: Oh sorry. Please don't hit me.   
  
HYDE: Hey Ron. What are you doing here?  
  
RON: Oh hey Steven. I thought I'd come here to meet some girls.   
  
JACKIE: Any luck?  
  
RON: I did meet a nice lady who came as Princess Leia. Then I told her 'Nice buns' and... here I am.   
  
JACKIE: So Ron... not feeling too happy huh?  
  
RON: I guess I'll be all right. [calm and then clings onto Hyde] No! I'm not!  
  
HYDE: Okay man... alright... You can get off now!  
  
[Ron gets off.]  
  
RON: I'm sorry. It's just this place is so...  
  
JACKIE: Weird...   
  
HYDE: [looks at her] Jackie.  
  
JACKIE: What? It is!  
  
RON: Yeah... I think I'm going to go. No one wants me here. I'll just go back to the hotel and cry.   
  
HYDE: We want you here man. Right Jackie. [taps her]  
  
JACKIE: [glares at Hyde and then looks at Ron] Yeah...   
  
HYDE: Come on Ron. Let's look at the geeks.   
  
RON: What?  
  
HYDE: Nothing.  
******************************************************************  
[Bowling place. Red, Kitty, Donna, Bob. Donna is bowling and she strikes it! She jumps up and down in excitment]  
  
BOB: Good job Donna! Okay Red and Kitty... that makes three strikes for us and... no strikes for you. Wow. This is fun!  
  
[Kitty gets ready to go. Kitty picks up a bowling ball.]  
  
RED: [behind her] Okay Kitty. Make sure you aim for the pins this time.   
  
KITTY: I thought you weren't suppose to knock the pins! It's so confusing since it has two holes on the side of the pins!  
  
[Kitty bowls and she misses it]  
  
BOB: That makes still zero strikes for you!  
  
DONNA: I can honestly say that I'm having a good time.  
  
BOB: [arm around her] I'm glad too... [whimpers]  
  
[Kelso and FEZ come in.]  
  
KELSO: Hey you guys!   
  
DONNA: Hey.   
  
RED: What the hell are you doing here? Didn't I tell you no?  
  
FEZ: Yes, but we pretended not to hear you.   
  
RED: Get the hell out.  
  
KITTY: No no! This could be fun!  
  
KELSO: Yeah and I brought someone. [shouts] KRISTEN!  
  
[Kristen comes and smiles.Donna, Red, Bob, Kitty gasp]  
  
KITTY: [laughs] Is this your little sister? My how you resemble Michael!  
  
KRISTEN: We're not related? [t Kelso] Are we?  
  
KELSO: No... NO!   
  
RED: [to Donna] We'll be hearing his kids say 'Uncle Daddy'.   
  
KELSO: Kristen, why don't you get us a few beers --- [Red glares at Kelso] for the adults.   
  
KRISTEN: Okay! [leaves]  
  
KELSO: So what do you think?  
  
KITTY: Um... Michael... don't you think she kinda seems too similar?  
  
RED: She looks like you, you dumbass.   
  
KELSO: What? No... she does not!  
  
FEZ: Yes she does! That's what I've been trying to tell you!  
  
DONNA: Did you pick her up at a family reunion?  
  
KELSO: I can't believe it! She does not look like me!  
  
BOB: I dated a girl who looked like me once.  
  
RED: God help us. There is a female version of you in this world.   
  
BOB: She was a great girl!   
  
[Kristen comes back.]  
  
KITTY: Well.. Kristen! I'm glad you're here! Can you bowl?  
  
KRISTEN: Yup!  
  
KITTY: [smiles] GREAT! You're on my team!   
  
RED: [to Bob] You can have the other twin. [looks at FEZ. FEZ smiles] Take the foreigner too.  
******************************************************************  
[Convention. Eric and Pregnant Princess Leia walk with autographs in their hands.]  
  
ERIC: And when the Millenium Falcon just saved the day!  
  
Pregnant Princess Leia: I know! It was the best... it didn't help when you jumped up and down screaming how much you worship him.   
  
ERIC: Hello??!?! It was Luke Skywalker!  
  
Pregnant Princess Leia: He has a real name.  
  
ERIC: Yeah... Luke Skywalker!  
  
Pregnant Princess Leia: Yeah... but - Oof!  
  
ERIC: What's wrong?  
  
Pregnant Princess Leia: Water...  
  
ERIC: I'll go get you some! [starts to run off]  
  
Pregnant Princess Leia: No... My water broke!  
  
ERIC: So... am I suppose to get you a new cup?  
  
Pregnant Princess Leia: [grabs him] I'm having this baby!  
  
ERIC: Oh my God... okay... stay calm! stay calm!  
  
Pregnant Princess Leia: I am!   
  
ERIC: I was talking to myself! We need a doctor here! Is anyone a doctor here!  
  
[Pregnant Princess Leia sits on a bench.]  
  
Pregnant Princess Leia: I'm having the baby NOW!  
  
ERIC: We need a doctor!  
  
[A Chubacca look-alike comes.]  
  
DOCTOR: I'm a doctor!  
  
ERIC: Great costume!  
  
DOCTOR: Thanks!  
  
ERIC: Where did you get that?!?!  
  
DOCTOR: I know a guy who knows a guy who works on the set. This is one of the originals.  
  
ERIC: No way!  
  
DOCTOR: Yup! Original!  
  
Pregnant Princess Leia: Hello? A little pregnant here!  
  
DOCTOR: Oh sorry!  
  
[They put a blanket on the floor and put Pregnant Princess Leia on the blanket away from the camera.]  
  
ERIC: Yeah! [to Pregnant Princess Leia] You're going to be fine!  
  
Pregnant Princess Leia: Thank you! Where is my husband?!?!  
  
[Hyde, Jackie and Ron rush to them]  
  
DOCTOR: Who was he?  
  
Pregnant Princess Leia: Han Solo!  
  
ERIC: Okay calm down. May the force be with you.   
  
Pregnant Princess Leia: Screw the force! I need drugs! Give me drugs!  
  
HYDE: Alright, she asked for it. [Hyde comes forward, reaching into his pocket]  
  
[Eric stops him]  
  
ERIC: I don't think she meant it like that Hyde.   
  
DOCTOR: Calm down. You'll be fine.   
  
ERIC: Oh my God! Something is coming out.   
  
HYDE: [looking at Pregnant Princess Leia] I can't bare to watch. [turns his head]  
  
JACKIE: Steven! Birth is a beautiful thing! It's what connects us--[looks at Pregnant Princess Leia] EWW! It all slimey! [turns away]   
  
DOCTOR: Push!  
  
Pregnant Princess Leia: [pushing] Aughhhh!  
  
ERIC:[agonizing] Aughhhh!  
  
Pregnant Princess Leia: [pushing] Aughhhh!  
  
HYDE / JACKIE / ERIC: [staring at it] Aughhhh!  
******************************************************************  
[Forman Kitchen. Kitty, Red, Donna, Bob, Kelso, Fez come in from the slide door tired.]  
  
BOB: Gee that was fun.   
  
KITTY: I am so tired. Balls flying everywhere! I didn't know where to turn!  
  
RED: Kitty... the balls were rolled on the floor.   
  
KITTY: Flying all over the floor!  
  
[Kitty goes into the living room. Red rolls his eyes.]  
  
DONNA: Thanks for today dad.   
  
BOB: It was great spending time with my little girl before she goes off to [crying-like] college.   
  
[Donna pats him on the back and they head out.]  
  
KELSO: Well... I don't know what you guys are saying. I had a great time with Kristen!  
  
FEZ: You mean Kelsy!   
  
[Red and FEZ laugh]   
  
RED: Didn't your mom tell you not to date anyone in the family?  
  
KELSO: Oh yeah. I love her!  
  
FEZ: No you don't.   
  
KELSO: [to FEZ] Don't tell me you did not love her soft skin, light eyes, long hair, bossoms and butt!  
  
[Hyde, Jackie, and Eric come in tired from the living room door. - They look exhausted]  
  
RED: What the hell happened to you?  
  
ERIC: We had a baby.   
  
RED / KELSO / FEZ: What?!  
  
HYDE: A lady at the convention had a baby.   
  
ERIC: Yeah... and she used a lot of "force".   
  
JACKIE: It was all slimey and icky. I'm glad I came out absolutely beautiful.   
  
KELSO: You and me both!  
  
[Kelso, Jackie, FEZ and Hyde leave through the slide door. Eric sits on a seat next to the table. Red goes to the refridgerator and brings out a beer.]  
  
RED: [gives one to Eric] Here.   
  
ERIC: Dad. It was amazing. There was a baby and he was beautiful.   
  
RED: Yeah. I remember what it was like holding my beautiful child.  
  
ERIC: [chuckles] Aww... dad.   
  
RED: [glares] Your sister, Laurie. [stares at the sky] Yup. Happiest day of my life... [sighs] and then you came. [drinks the beer] Yup... then everything just went downhill from there.   
  
ERIC: [sarcastically] Thank you daddy.   
  
[They drink.]  
  
[Credits]  
******************************************************************  
[The Hub. Kelso and FEZ are eating at a table. KRISTEN comes in and taps Kelso on the shoulder.]  
  
KELSO: Kristen! Hey!   
  
KRISTEN: Michael. We need to talk.   
  
KELSO: Sure. [winks at FEZ and gets up and turns to her.] Yes my dear.   
  
KRISTEN: I don't think we should see each other again.   
  
KELSO: Why baby? I don't see anything wrong! We are so alike!  
  
KRISTEN: I know! Michael! I can't date a man who feathers his hair like mine!  
  
KELSO: Baby! No! We can change that!  
  
KRISTEN: Really?!?!  
  
KELSO: Yeah... I'm sure you look hot without feathering your hair!  
  
KRISTEN: [sighs] Good bye! [she leaves]  
  
[Kelso turns back and sits next to FEZ.]  
  
KELSO: Yup. I told you we didn't look alike! I'm too pretty for her!  
****************************************************************** 


	13. Episode 13: Share and Be Fair

Please REVIEW... Anyone can review now :D ANYONE!   
******************************************************************************  
  
Episode 13: Share and Be Fair!  
******************************************************************  
[Donna's hallway. Jackie and Hyde are walking towards the bedroom.]  
  
HYDE: You sure Donna's not here.   
  
JACKIE: Yeah. She and Eric went to spend time together for some reason.   
  
[Jackie opens the door.]  
  
JACKIE: AHHHHHHHHHHH!  
  
HYDE: FORMAN!  
  
[Donna and Eric scramble off the bed - they are covered by blankets and underneath the blankets, they are naked (but you can't see cuz they cover themselves with the blanets.]  
  
DONNA: Jackie what the hell?!?!  
  
ERIC: Augh! Hyde! Jackie! [They covered in blankets] [coughs] We were just... sleeping.  
******************************************************************  
[Donna's Room. Donna is wearing a robe. Eric is wearing sheets still. Jackie sits on the bed with Donna. Eric and Hyde are behind the bed.]  
  
DONNA: Okay Jackie. You'll be living here now. We need to set some ground rules.   
  
JACKIE: Definitely. Okay. Rule number one---  
  
DONNA: Hold on. Me first. Rule number one. You knock before entering a room.   
  
JACKIE: Fine. You and Eric can't do it in this room.   
  
ERIC: Wait... I don't like that rule.   
  
DONNA: Eric, it's cool.   
  
ERIC: What? Donna... what about our little love connection thing? You know... Donna's room... Eric's room... Donna's kitchen... Eric's -------  
  
HYDE: Shut up Forman and put some pants on!  
  
DONNA: Okay Jackie. Deal. If only, you and Hyde won't be making out here in this room.   
  
HYDE: Wait Donna. There's a difference. Jackie is making out with me... and well.. you're making out with Forman. That's a big, BIG difference.   
  
JACKIE: That's true! We look good when we make out.  
  
DONNA: Just make sure you follow those rules.   
  
JACKIE: You know we will, right Steven?  
  
HYDE: Wait... one thing... Forman. Put some clothes on!  
  
ERIC: Hey! [points] I put my clothes on when I want to put my clothes on.  
  
DONNA: [rolls eyes] Eric, put your clothes on.   
  
ERIC: Alright. [grabs his clothes and runs out]  
  
[Openning credits]  
******************************************************************  
[Forman basement. 360 Circle. Hyde, Kelso, FEZ and Eric]  
  
KELSO: You saw them doing it? Like actually doing it?  
  
HYDE: [disgusted] But she was with Forman. [Hyde shivers]  
  
FEZ: Oh... to see Donna's bare ass!  
  
ERIC: Fez...Guys... I'm right here.   
  
KELSO: [to Hyde] Man... you got to see Donna.  
  
HYDE: Then there was Forman. That wasn't pretty man.   
  
FEZ: Yes... I'd be afraid.  
  
ERIC: I'm sitting right here!  
  
FEZ: You know Donna is tough and sassy!   
  
HYDE: Yeah... Don't know how Forman got that?  
  
KELSO: That goes to show that you don't need to be hotalicious like me to get a hot girl like Donna!  
  
ERIC: Okay guys! No more talking about me and my girlfriend!  
  
FEZ: Oh Eric. If you ever saw me doing it, I wouldn't be hesitant.   
  
ERIC: [wide eyed] Okay! Enough! I'm outta here. [Eric leaves]  
  
KELSO: [stares at Eric leaving then turns to Hyde] So how was Donna's body?  
******************************************************************  
[Forman Kitchen. Kitty is cleaning the kitchen and is dancing and singing. FEZ comes in from the sliding door and sees her. Kitty doesn't see him and continues to dance. FEZ smiles and starts dancing with her. He dances close to her and she turns and is surprised.]  
  
KITTY: FEZ!  
  
FEZ: Well Ms. Kitty. Your dancing ways always move me!  
  
KITTY: [continues to clean] What do you want FEZ?  
  
FEZ: Mrs. Forman. The Dance Club is having their annual banquet and I am most likely getting the award for Best Dancer... and my parents can't be here to watch me get it. I was wondering if you'd like to come and support me. Since you guys are like second parents to me.   
  
KITTY: [hand to her chest] Well that is the sweetest thing I have ever heard! [pats his back] Of course Mr. Forman and I would love to go see you accept the award!  
  
FEZ: Thank you Mrs. Forman! [starts dancing] I must prepare for my acceptance speech. [starts doing the moon walk] I made that move myself. I call it "the moon walk"! [FEZ leaves through the sliding door.]   
  
KITTY: [chuckles to herself] The moon walk? That'll never get anywhere. Silly foreigners.   
  
[Hyde comes in from the living room.]  
  
KITTY: Oh Steven! You got a letter here. [picks it up from the counter and waves it at him]  
  
HYDE: What is it? [takes it]  
  
KITTY: I don't know, but it's scented!  
  
HYDE: [Opens it and reads it] Uncle Bobby!  
  
KITTY: Uncle Bobby from prison?  
  
HYDE: Yeah... he just got out. He wants to see me.   
  
KITTY: Why Steven! That's sweet that he wants to see you!  
  
HYDE: Yeah. He said he's going to stop by the house to pick me up!  
  
KITTY: [tense] He's coming here?!?!  
  
HYDE: [oblivious of Kitty's tensity] Is that ok?  
  
KITTY: Well... your uncle... that got out of prison... is coming here... [laughs] That's fine...   
  
HYDE: Great! Thanks Mrs. Forman. [leaves to the basement]   
  
[Kitty continues to clean and this time the cleaning intensifies. Red comes in from the living room.]  
  
KITTY: Red!!! [rushes to him] Steven's uncle from prison is coming by the house! A man from prison! Oh and we are going to go to FEZ's dance banquet to support him too. But Steven's uncle, Red! We don't know what he did. [gasps] What if he's a murderer?!?!  
  
RED: Wait. Hold on! Back up a moment. Why do we have to go to the foreign kid's banquet?  
  
KITTY: Red Forman! We are going.  
  
RED: No. You go.   
  
KITTY: [menopausal] Red...   
  
RED: Fine, but if he wears those ballerina tutu tights we're leaving!  
  
KITTY: Red... you know he wouldn't do that... [Red gives her a look]... again...   
******************************************************************  
[Donna's hallway. Donna and Eric walking towards Donna's room. They opens the door and finds Jackie and Hyde making out on her bed.]  
  
ERIC: Oh my God! I'm blind!!! Donna... I see the light...   
  
[Jackie and Hyde stop and turn to look.]  
  
DONNA: Jackie!  
  
JACKIE: Donna! You don't understand! [Jackie sits up] Steven was just... bringing me back to life. Yes! He was giving me CPR. [pats Hyde on the back] Thank you Steven.   
  
HYDE: [turns and sits up] Yeah.   
  
ERIC: [points to Hyde] Well that's the last time you give her CPR!  
  
DONNA: [crosses her arms] Jackie. You broke a rule.   
  
JACKIE: I know! I know! I'm sorry, but technically, you said not to make out in YOUR room... this is MY room too, so technically, I made out in my room.   
  
DONNA: Oh now you're doing technically? Jackie, this is MY room.   
  
JACKIE: Fine! Let's split it. [gets up and imaginary moves arms] From here to here [from half the window to the end of the bed is yours and the rest is mine.   
  
DONNA: Jackie... then I would not be able to get out of the room.   
  
JACKIE: You got part of the window on your side.   
  
HYDE: Yeah and there's a small twig on the side, it's easier to get in if you put your foot on that first to boost you up.   
******************************************************************  
[Forman Living Room. Red, Hyde, Kelso, Kitty are sitting in the living room. Red is in his chair. Hyde, Kelso and Kitty are on the couch.]  
  
KELSO: So your uncle just got out of prison?  
  
HYDE: Yup. Straight out of prison. Prisoner 24601.   
  
KELSO: That's cool man. I can't wait to put people into jail.   
  
[The doorbell rings]  
  
KITTY: It's him! [gets up] I'll just... go play with my Shirley Temples in a safe box. [runs upstairs]  
  
[Red gets up and opens the door and it is a man around Red's age with curly blondish brown hair (like the guy from the Three Stooges]   
  
RED: What the hell happened to your hair?  
  
BOBBY: [scared] I don't know! What?! [touches his head] Oh whew! You scared me there man! You know hair is important... well not like you would know.   
  
HYDE: [walking towards the door] Uncle Bobby!  
  
BOBBY: Steven! [walks towards Hyde] Man... you grew up. I thought you'd be the pretty boy over there. [nodds to Kelso] But hey! We ain't so lucky.   
  
HYDE: Right.  
  
[They walk inside the living room.]  
  
BOBBY: So Steven. How are you?  
  
HYDE: I'm pretty good. Going to graduate soon.   
  
BOBBY: Wow! That's so great! You know you'll be the first one to graduate high school!  
  
HYDE: Yeah.  
  
KELSO: So Bobby... how was prison?  
  
[Hyde fogs Kelso]  
  
KELSO: What?! It's a reasonable question. So did you all wear matching outfits? Cuz I know I would not like to match with anyone else.   
  
RED: Shut up dumbass.  
  
BOBBY: No. It's all right. Yeah. We all dressed the same. To me personally, it clashed with everything! Orange!  
  
KELSO: Oh no way!   
  
BOBBY: Way!  
  
KELSO: I look good in orange! But I'm going to be a cop.   
  
BOBBY: No way!   
  
KELSO: Way!  
  
BOBBY: Hyde... your friend is pretty cool.   
  
HYDE: Kelso?!?! He's not cool. He wouldn't know cool if it was in his pants.   
  
KELSO: Hey! I would know definitely if something was in my pants!  
******************************************************************  
[Donna's room. Donna comes in and sees tape splitting the door and room in half. One side gets the window and the bed is split with tape. Jackie is on her cot reading a magazine.]  
  
DONNA: Jackie what the hell?  
  
JACKIE: [puts the magazine down still laying on her cot] I split the room evenly. I gave you a little bit more room for your lumberjack body to move around. So don't think I was being selfish!  
  
DONNA: [looks on Jackie's side] Okay... you took my posters down!  
  
JACKIE: This is my side of the room. So I put my posters up. [continues to read her magazine] Besides... no one wants to see pictures of HOT Donna... It took too much space.   
  
[Donna rolles her eyes.]  
******************************************************************  
[School Cafeteria. The place is set up and there are people dressed in tights and ballet clothes and some people are dressed up. FEZ is all dressed up. Red comes with Kitty looking all nice. They walk in together.]  
  
KITTY: Oh how cute this place looks!  
  
RED: Dammit Kitty. You had to drag me here. Look at all these people prancing around, looking foolish. It reminds me of how the Koreans fought.  
  
FEZ: [Comes up to them] Oh thank you for coming Mr. and Mrs. Forman.   
  
KITTY: Oh FEZ! We wouldn't miss it for the world!  
  
FEZ: Oh there's my dance advisor! Mr. Fireflower!!!   
  
[Mr. Fireflower looks like a hippie in tights. He prances towards them]  
  
MR. FIREFLOWER: Good evening! Welcome to the [twirls] Banquet!  
  
KITTY: [laughs] Oh my! That looks so fun. [twirls]  
  
MR. FIREFLOWER: Ooo... spunky one! [looks at FEZ] So are these your parents?  
  
KITTY: Wel---  
  
RED: N---  
  
FEZ: Yes! Yes they are!   
  
[Red and Kitty are shocked]   
  
FEZ: [walks towards RED in a hugging motion] DADDY! [hugs Red. Red looks confused and looks at Kitty]  
  
[Commercial]  
******************************************************************  
[School Cafeteria. FEZ is hugging RED and then lets go.]  
  
MR. FIREFLOWER: Oh how lovely! What a happy family! [looks at Kitty and Red] Hmm... FEZ looks like none of you two. Hmm... but if I had to decide, he must look like you [points to RED]. FEZ, It must be all that sun! You are so tanned! [laughs gleefully] Oh I must go now! The banquet is about to start! TA-TA! [prances away]  
  
RED: What the hell?  
  
KITTY: FEZ... Why did you lie? [laughs] You liar!  
  
RED: You're not my kid? You don't even look like me? Where are you from anyways?!?!  
  
FEZ: I'm sorry for lying. It's just that everyone here are with their parents and I just didn't want to be left out. [does sad face]  
  
KITTY: Oh FEZ. [pats him]........... How odd it is for you to be our son.   
  
FEZ: I know.  
  
RED: Fine. If you're going to be my son, [points to MR. FIREFLOWER] no prancing around like that dumbass.  
  
FEZ: Oh don't worry Mr. Forman. [looks] Oh I'm up! [he pulls down his pants and takes off his shirt - he is wearing tights underneath and prances towards the stage]   
  
RED: [looks at Kitty] He gets it from your side.   
******************************************************************  
[Forman Driveway. Eric and Donna are shooting hoops.]  
  
DONNA: And then she had the nerve to write LOSER underneath every photo of you.   
  
ERIC: And you're mad cuz she did that?  
  
DONNA: [shoots]... No... I'm mad that she wrote on the pictures. Those were my only copies.   
  
[Hyde comes from the kitchen.]  
  
HYDE: Hey... have you guys seen Bobby?  
  
ERIC: You lost your uncle Bobby already?  
  
HYDE: No. He said he'll come hang out with me today. He didn't show up.   
  
DONNA: Maybe he was busy.  
  
ERIC: Yeah you know... too many robberies, too little time.   
  
HYDE: Shut up Forman.   
  
[Kelso and Bobby comes from the side, laughing and hanging out. Kelso is carrying a box]  
  
BOBBY: And then she slapped me... I don't know why???  
  
KELSO: I know! If I stole a guy's wallet and showed it to his girlfriend to impress her, I'd expect her to jump all over me man!  
  
BOBBY: I know man! Chicks don't get me!  
  
KELSO: Yeah me neither man. Man... it's always us good looking guys that girls don't get.   
  
[They see Hyde. Hyde crosses his arms and looks mad.]  
  
BOBBY: Hey Steven!  
  
HYDE: Hey Bobby. You said you'd come and meet me so we could hang out.   
  
BOBBY: I did come and then I talked to Kelso and you know what?! He has never had a stolen doughnuts before.  
  
KELSO: [opens the box and offers it to Eric and Donna] Doughnut?  
  
[Eric and Donna nodded no.]  
  
HYDE: So you ditched me to hang out with Kelso?  
  
BOBBY: No that's not it man. I got us doughnuts!  
  
KELSO: [eating one] And they're fresh too!  
  
BOBBY: Look Steven.I have a surprise for you... let me go get it! [rushes away]  
  
HYDE: Whatever man. [turns away]  
  
KELSO: [eating doughnut still] Man, your uncle is awesome! Not only did he tell me stories of him in prison, he also got me doughnuts! How cool is that???  
  
[Hyde turns towards Kelso looking mad. Eric and Donna look at each other.]   
  
ERIC: umm.. I'm going to go to my room.   
  
DONNA: Wait up!  
  
[They both rush to the sliding door.]  
  
HYDE: Kelso, I don't want you hanging out with my uncle anymore.   
  
KELSO: What?! Why not?   
  
HYDE: On the account of your broken legs.   
  
KELSO: What broken legs? My legs are just fine!  
  
HYDE: Not for long!  
  
KELSO: Hey! I know! You're jealous! Your uncle likes me better than you!  
  
HYDE: No he doesn't.  
  
KELSO: Yeah!   
  
HYDE: No!  
  
KELSO: Yeah!  
  
HYDE: Yeah!  
  
KELSO: No!   
  
[Hyde smiles. Kelso pauses and thinks about it.]  
  
KELSO: Wait! Yeah!  
  
BOBBY: [rushes back] Hey! Did I miss anything?  
  
KELSO: Hey! Bobby! Buddy! [put one arm around Bobby] Let me go show you around the Hub!  
  
HYDE: No! I'll show him around the Hub!  
  
BOBBY: Wait! Wait! Geez. I don't want to go anywhere. I'm leaving tonight.   
  
KELSO / HYDE: Where are you going?  
  
BOBBY: I'm moving out of Wisconsin. I don't like the prisons here.   
  
HYDE: But Bobby, you just got out of prison.   
  
BOBBY: I know... but I like to steal and at my rate... I'd probably end up back there.   
  
HYDE: So why don't you just not steal?  
  
BOBBY: I don't know. I guess stealing turns me on.   
  
KELSO: Oh that's what happens to me when I see naked chicks. [puts doughnuts on the floor]  
  
BOBBY: [pulls out a plate] Here Steven. I made this while I was in prison. You can put this on your car.   
  
[It says: 4HYDE20. Hyde smiles.]  
  
HYDE: Thanks man. That's great.   
  
KELSO: Wait! Why did he get a plate and I only got doughnuts?!?!  
  
BOBBY: [shruggs] I guess I like him better. [turns around and leaves]  
  
[Hyde smiles and Kelso looks confused--- Kelso grabs the plate and runs - Hyde chases after him]  
******************************************************************  
[Donna's Room. Donna comes in and Jackie is listening to ABBA]  
  
DONNA: Okay Jackie. We need to talk!  
  
JACKIE: Then talk.   
  
DONNA: [sits on the bed in the middle of the tape] Okay Jackie.   
  
[Jackie sees and coughs]  
  
DONNA: [rolls eyes and moves on her side] Okay Jackie. Let's make new rules. This is OUR room, right?   
  
JACKIE: Right until you move out to college, then I can take all these lousy posters off.   
  
DONNA: I'm going to pretend I did not hear that! Anyways... Let's forget the split and do this... we can do whatever we want in this room, but we have to pre-warn each other who's using the room.   
  
JACKIE: [puts the magazine down and sits up] I guess I can deal with that.   
  
DONNA: I'll put a DO NOT DISTURB sign on the door when Eric and I are in here and you can use the same sign when you and Hyde are in here.  
  
JACKIE: That sounds fair.  
  
DONNA: And we will not tell each other what happened in this room.   
  
JACKIE: Yeah okay. I guess I'll just have to read your diary to find that out.   
  
DONNA: [slowly] Yeah.   
  
JACKIE: Oh and Donna... I think you should not have FEZ allowed in the closet anymore.   
  
DONNA: Since when did I let FEZ in my closet?  
  
JACKIE: I don't know, he told me you know he likes to hide in there.   
******************************************************************  
[Closing credits]  
  
[School Cafeteria. Mr. Fireflower is up there dancing and is presenting the award for BEST DANCER.]  
  
MR. FIREFLOWER: Okay kids! This dancer was such an inspiration! FEZ come up here and strut your stuff!  
  
FEZ: [to Red and Kitty] This is it!   
  
[Music comes on. FEZ dances towards the stage and dances in tights.]  
  
FEZ: [points to Red and Kitty] THIS IS FOR YOU MOM AND DAD!   
  
[People are staring at Kitty and Red and Kitty smiles at the people and nods. Red is just trying to cover his face.]  
  
RED: When we get home, remind me to thank Eric for being our son.   
****************************************************************** 


	14. Episode 14: School Spirit Wisconsin!

Episode 14: School Spirit Wisconsin!  
******************************************************************  
[Forman Basement. Hyde, Donna, Eric, Kelso and FEZ. Hyde is in his chair, Donna, Eric, and FEZ are in the seats, and Kelso is in his seat - they are watching TV]  
  
HYDE: Another Happy Days rerun?  
  
ERIC: [disgusted] Oh man... when are they going to outcool the Fonz?  
  
KELSO: Hello? Earth to Eric! No one can outcool the Fonz... that's like out hotting me! And we all know that's not going to happen.   
  
FEZ: Amend to you brother!  
  
DONNA: I don't know... the Chochie and the Joanie moments are cool.   
  
HYDE: No they're not. It's boring.   
  
KELSO: [looks at Eric] Yeah... kinda reminds me of your relationship.   
  
[Hyde and Kelso laugh]  
  
DONNA: Wait that's not funny. We are not boring!   
  
ERIC: Donna... calm down. You're too tense. You know that gives you headaches.  
  
[Jackie rushes in from the side door.]  
  
JACKIE: [happy] Oh My God! Guess what happened?!?!  
  
FEZ: [stands up] You decided to break up with Hyde to be with me! [opens his arms wide to her]  
  
JACKIE: [disgusted looking at FEZ] No... [back to the group] The Point Place Pep Squad has made it to the semi-finals! We might go to state!   
  
DONNA / KELSO / ERIC / FEZ / HYDE: [mumble] Oh good for you! / Hot chicls / Oh / Yay for Point place / Eh  
  
JACKIE: What?! Oh come on guys! Steven! [goes over to him] Aren't you happy for me!  
  
HYDE: Why Jackie? It's just cheerleading.   
  
JACKIE: Just Cheerleading? Just Cheerleading? I have you know without us, the football team would be nothing.   
  
KELSO: That's true. Without the cheerleaders, guys wouldn't be motivated to win and then do it with the cheerleaders.   
  
FEZ: [stands up] I'm happy for you Jackie! [jumps up and down] Ra ra!   
  
JACKIE: Okay FEZ... [to the gang] So... who's going to go to the semi-finals to watch me!!?!?!  
  
[Everyone is quiet.]  
  
KELSO: I'll go!   
  
ERIC: Why would you want to go?  
  
KELSO: Eric... short skirts will be flying everywhere man! Think about it... SHORT SKIRTS!  
  
DONNA: Well.. you guys know my thoughts on cheerleading. It's just making women more degrading.   
  
JACKIE: Oh that's what every girl who didn't make the team says!  
  
DONNA: Hey! I could of been a cheerleader!  
  
FEZ: I shall go and support you... and comfort the sad, lonely cheerleaders who do not win.   
  
ERIC: I guess I'll go...  
  
DONNA: Yeah me too. Even tho I'm against it, I'll be there to support you.   
  
JACKIE: Why thank you, you guys!   
  
[Everyone turns to Hyde who is still reading the magazine.]  
  
JACKIE: Steven?  
  
HYDE: [looks at them] What?  
  
JACKIE: Are you going to come and support me?  
  
HYDE: Jackie... cheerleading events aren't my thing.   
  
JACKIE: Come on Steven!  
  
ERIC: Yeah Hyde... where's your SCHOOL SPIRIT!?!  
  
[Credits]  
******************************************************************  
[The Hub. Jackie, Hyde, Kelso, FEZ, Donna and Eric are sitting in a booth. Kelso and FEZ are at the ordering window. Some girls dressed in cheerleading outfits come in. On the shirt part it says Southside. A blonde one is in the middle, and there is a Asian one on the side and a black girl on the other side.]  
  
JACKIE: [sees them] Eck... it's the Southside Cheerleaders.  
  
DONNA: So?  
  
JACKIE: So??? They are up against us for the semi-finals. And eck! It's the head cheerleader, Jax. What kind of name is Jax?  
  
ERIC: Gee Jackie. I don't know. A girl's name?  
  
HYDE: [looking at the girls] I see nothing wrong.   
  
[The three cheerleaders walk see Jackie and walks towards her table.]  
  
JAX: Well if it isn't Jackie Burkhart. What a surprise to see you in a cool place like this.  
  
JACKIE: I was wondering why you were here.   
  
JAX: Oh whatever Burkhart. We are going to win this competition and Point Place Cheerleaders could just kiss our winning perfect pyramid asses!  
  
JACKIE: [stands up] Oh we shall see about that!  
  
[Kelso and FEZ walk to the table]   
  
FEZ: Ohhhh... two girls fighting!   
  
KELSO: FEZ, remember... we have to be quiet about this. [looks at them] TAKE IT OFF!  
  
JAX: [looks at Kelso] Well hello Michael. [walks over to Kelso]   
  
KELSO: Hey Jax. Long time no see.  
  
JAX: [plays with his arm] Hey Michael... you going to support us Southside Cheerleaders, right?  
  
KELSO: Of course!  
  
FEZ: Hello. I am FEZ. I'll come and support you.   
  
JACKIE: FEZ! MICHAEL!  
  
FEZ: [To Jackie] Shhh not now Jackie! [to girls] Yes... go Southside!  
  
JAX: That's so sweet. [to Kelso] So Michael, you're going to call me?  
  
KELSO: Yeah. Of course!   
  
JAX: Good! I'll be expecting a call.   
  
KELSO: Really? From who?  
  
JAX: [rolls her eyes] From you! Missa! Holly! Let's go!  
  
MISSA [Asian one]: [to Hyde] Hey... when you get sick of Point Place girls... try some Southside girls.   
  
[The three cheerleaders leave.]  
  
HYDE: [sighs] Been there, done that.   
  
JACKIE: The nerve of them coming here to the Hub!  
  
ERIC: Yeah... cuz the Hub. Yeah. I don't think anyone should come here and sit and want to eat in here.   
  
JACKIE: FEZ? Michael? What was that about?  
  
FEZ: I'm sorry Jackie. They were wearing short skirts and theirs breasts were as big as melons!  
******************************************************************  
[Eric's Room. Donna and Eric are making out on the bed. Eric on top of her]]  
  
DONNA: [stops] Eric... do you think we're boring?  
  
ERIC: [annoyed] Donna. That was a tricky move, I need your full concentration. [goes back to her neck]  
  
DONNA: I mean it Eric. Are we boring?   
  
ERIC: [gets up] Donna! Of course not. We're not boring. We have so much fun that it's not even funny. [quiet] See... no one's laughing.   
  
DONNA: I don't know. Let's go out and do something!  
  
ERIC: Donna... we were doing something.  
  
DONNA: Something fun!  
  
ERIC: [looks around and does obvious face] Hello?  
  
DONNA: [she gets up and opens the door] Come on! Let's go!  
  
ERIC: [on the bed] Or... we can stay here and have some fun!  
  
[Donna leaves.]  
  
ERIC: What? What did I say? [pauses] Fine! [gets up and follows her] I'm coming...  
******************************************************************  
[Forman living room. Jackie and a bunch of other girls dressed in Point Place Cheer Outfits. All the furniture has been moved. Hyde, Kelso and FEZ are watching the girls practice.]  
  
JACKIE: Okay... let's do it! We need to beat those Southside Skanks!  
  
GIRLS: Okay!  
  
JACKIE: 1... 2... 3...  
  
[Red, Kitty, and Bob enters]  
  
RED: What the hell?  
  
JACKIE: Mr. Forman.  
  
RED: What are these ra-ra girls doing in MY house?  
  
CHEERLEADER 1: We're not ra-ra girls! We're cheerleaders!  
  
KITTY: Ya could had fooled me! [laughs]  
  
BOB: So what are you guys doing here for?  
  
JACKIE: We have a major competition coming up!  
  
RED: [to the guys] Why are you here?  
  
KELSO: Uhh... we are here to SUPPORT them for the major competition coming up!  
  
FEZ: And they are wearing short skirts!  
  
RED: Get out!  
  
[Kelso and FEZ walk out to the kitchen. Hyde remains.]  
  
HYDE: She's my girlfriend.  
  
RED: Oh... [pauses] Get out!  
  
[Hyde gets out to the kitchen]  
  
BOB: [to Jackie] You know... I used to be a cheerleader.  
  
RED: You were a cheerleader Bob?  
  
KITTY: My Bob... how very... how very... [looks at Red] What's the word?  
  
RED: Girly...   
  
BOB: Yup. I was #1 cheer chair. If ya girls need some help?  
  
JACKIE: I think we'll be fine.   
  
KITTY: Oh how fun! [gets pom poms] You know Jackie. I used to be a cheerleader too! [drops the pom poms] Let me get my old outfit!!! [excited] [runs upstairs]  
  
BOB: If she gets to get hers! Then I'm going to get mine! [runs out]  
  
RED: Oh Crap. Look what you did. Now I have to see Bob doing the splits. [walks to the kitchen]  
******************************************************************  
[Forman Basement. Kelso, FEZ, and Hyde. Hyde and Kelso are walking back and forth behind the couch. FEZ is on the couch.]  
  
KELSO: I can't believe Red kicked us out from the living room. Does he not know there are girls upstairs?  
  
FEZ: Yes and I thought I saw one with no underwear on!  
  
KELSO: Man.. this is no fair! [sits on the couch] You know who would let us watch them practice! The Southside Cheerleaders!  
  
HYDE: Kelso man. I don't think Jackie would like it if we went.   
  
KELSO: Geez Hyde! I didn't know you'd be whipped!  
  
FEZ: Yes... whipped like cream!  
  
KELSO: Ooo... good one FEZ!  
  
FEZ: Thank you.   
  
HYDE: I am not whipped!   
  
KELSO: Prove it!  
  
HYDE: Okay fine. Let's go to Southside.   
  
KELSO: [gets up] Alright!  
  
FEZ: [gets up happy] YES! [walks towards the door with the guys] I hear that the Southside Cheerleaders don't wear underwear!   
  
[They leave from the side door.]  
  
[Commercial]  
******************************************************************  
[Southside High School. Inside the Gym. Eric and Donna sneak in carrying spray paint and toilet paper.]  
  
ERIC: Donna. What are we doing here?  
  
DONNA: Jackie needs support, so I figured we just show support by trashing the opposite team's gym!  
  
ERIC: Uh... Donna... I don't know about this.   
  
DONNA: [turns to him] Don't worry! We won't get caught!  
  
[They hear noises. Foot steps. Donna and Eric hide behind the bleachers. The Southside Cheerleaders (8 girls) come in.]  
  
JAX: That Burkhart girl thinks she could beat us. I don't think so.   
  
MISSA: I know! Geez! What does Steven Hyde see in her?  
  
HOLLY: So what's up with you and Michael Kelso?  
  
JAX: He's cute. He'd be fun to play with for awhile. He'll support the Southside Cheerleaders!  
  
MISSA / HOLLY: You go girl! / You're so sneaky!  
  
HOLLY: What about that foreigner?   
  
JAX: I don't know? Send him back to where he came from!  
  
[Cheerleaders giggle. Kelso, FEZ, and Hyde come in]  
  
KELSO: Hey ladies! We came to watch you practice.  
  
FEZ: [goes up to Holly] Underwear optional.  
  
[Jax looks at Missa and then walks to Kelso.]  
  
JAX: So Michael. You going to support us?  
  
KELSO: All the way! [does a little cheer dance]  
  
JAX: Wow Michael. Good move. Maybe you can show that to me in private again.   
  
KELSO: Sure. I could just show you here. [does cheer dance] See.   
  
HYDE: You are a idiot.   
  
KELSO: [realizes it] Ohhhh!  
  
MISSA: [to Hyde] You going to watch us practice?  
  
HYDE: [distant] Yeah. [he goes on the bench]   
  
FEZ: [to the cheerleaders] If you need someone to hold your pom poms... [Hyde gets up and pulls FEZ onto the bench]  
  
[The guys sit on the bench watching. Cheerleaders start to practice and doing flips. Donna and Eric are under the bleachers. Donna looks disgusted.]  
  
DONNA: Look at them. Exposing themselves. What kind of women would do this?  
  
ERIC: [staring at them] I... don't... know...  
  
HYDE: I can't be here. I got to go. [Hyde leaves]  
  
[Kelso taps FEZ.]  
  
KELSO: Imagine having a cheerleader do that in bed!   
******************************************************************  
[Forman Living Room. Jackie and the cheerleaders strut and dance. Kitty comes down wearing her cheer uniform. She starts dancing in the middle of the practice. The cheerleaders stop]  
  
KITTY: Ra-Ra Siss Boom Ba! I hope you losers get hit by a car! [laughs] That was the most popular one to say to those girls! [laughs] and boy that was funny... [laughs and then serious].. until one of the girls really got hit by a car. [back to normal] Anyways! You guys need some spirit!  
  
JACKIE: Thank you Mrs. Forman, but I think we're fine. We feel confident and beautiful to win against those cheerleaders!  
  
KITTY: Well Jackie... you can't only be confident and beautiful. [laughs] You have to be talented too.   
  
JACKIE: Oh we are. Right girls?  
  
CHEERLEADERS: Right!  
  
JACKIE: And we already got one judge to vote for us. Terri slept with a judge!  
  
TERRI: [waves pom pom] Alright!  
  
BOB: [comes in in his uniform] I got spirit! Yes I do! I got spirit! How about YOU! [Bob tries to do a cartwheel, but it comes out bad] YEAH!  
******************************************************************  
[Southside High School. In the Gym. Cheer practice is over. Jax is talking to Kelso. FEZ is trying to chat with the cheerleaders.]  
  
JAX: So Kelso... I was wonder if you'd do me a favor...   
  
KELSO: Oh... a pleasurable favor?!?!  
  
JAX: Well... you see... it's all up to you if it's pleasurable... our mascot guy, Gus... he got sick and we need him for the competition tomorrow. So I was wondering if you'd like to do it for me...   
  
[Kelso thinks about it. A devil looking like him pops on the side of his shouler.]  
  
DEVIL: Do it! Do it! Cuz she's willing to DO IT! DO IT!  
  
[Kelso nods. Then an Angel pops on his other shoulder]  
  
ANGEL: Don't do it! Think about Jackie! She's your "friend" now... and plus... you love her!  
  
[Kelso nods. JAX whispers something in Kelso's ear.]  
  
DEVIL: She's not wearing underwear dude!!!  
  
KELSO: I'LL DO IT!  
  
[Cut to FEZ]  
  
FEZ: [to the cheerleaders] And I also think Southside is the best because of all the pretty ladies.  
  
HOLLY: So will you support us when we cheer? We would love that you wear our shirt to support us! [presents a T-shirt to him]   
  
[FEZ looks at the shirt - it says I SUPPORT SOUTHSIDE ALL THE WAY! FEZ thinks about it. A Devil appears on the side of his shoulder]  
  
DEVIL: Here you go old boy! They want you to wear the shirt. Next thing you know... they won't be wearing their shirts!  
  
[FEZ nods. An Angel appears on the other side.]  
  
ANGEL: Do it!  
  
FEZ: Aren't you suppose to convince me not to wear the shirt?  
  
ANGEL: I'm sorry... I have needs.   
  
FEZ: Okay! I'll do it!  
  
[FEZ walks with the cheerleaders. Everyone is gone, except Donna and Eric.]  
  
DONNA: Alright. Let's go!  
  
ERIC: Donna... I don't know. Vandalization.   
  
DONNA: Look Eric! We are an exciting fun couple!  
  
ERIC: I know, but we don't need to do this to know that! I mean. Look at us! We're fun!  
  
[Eric and Donna look at each other.]  
  
ERIC: Okay... I'll TP the basketball nets and you spray.   
  
DONNA: Okay!  
******************************************************************  
[Outside - Competition Area. FEZ is wearing the Southside Shirt. Hyde, Eric and Donna are standing waiting. ]  
  
DONNA: I can't believe you're wearing a Southside shirt?  
  
FEZ: I have needs.   
  
ERIC: [looks at Hyde] That's true... he does.   
  
HYDE: Oh here comes Jackie!  
  
FEZ: [takes off the Southside Shirt to reveal a shirt that says POINT PLACE ALL THE WAY!] Go Jackie!  
  
JACKIE: Oh FEZ! That's so sweet!   
  
HYDE: [kisses her on the cheek] Good luck!  
  
JACKIE: Thanks! I'm off! [goes off waving her pom poms]  
  
ERIC: Oh here come those Southside girls.  
  
FEZ: [hurries and put on the Southside shirt] GO SOUTHSIDE!  
  
HOLLY: That's so sweet!  
  
MISSA: We won't forget you... umm... FRED!  
  
[They walk away.]  
  
FEZ: Oh they remember me!  
  
DONNA: They called you FRED...  
  
ERIC: Why didn't we think of that name up for him?  
******************************************************************  
[Forman Living Room. Hyde, Jackie, FEZ, Eric, Donna, Kitty and Red come in from the front door.]  
  
RED: What hell competition was that?  
  
KITTY: I'm sorry Jackie.   
  
JACKIE: Ah... it's alright. I have to admit... that mascot of theirs... can really move!  
  
DONNA: Yeah... I have to admit. That was pretty good.   
  
HYDE: Sorry Jackie. [hugs her]  
  
JACKIE: It's alright. You know what I heard! I heard they only won because of their mascot!  
  
KITTY: You still got next year!  
  
FEZ: It's so hot in here. [FEZ takes off his shirt, revealing the SOUTHSIDE Shirt]  
  
JACKIE: FEZ?!?!  
  
FEZ: [looks at his shirt] HOW DID THAT GET THERE?  
  
ERIC: Uh.. FEZ... those Southside girls must of branded you!  
  
FEZ: Yes... WITH LOVE!  
  
DONNA: Look Jackie. If it makes you feel any better... Eric and I trashed their gym.  
  
JACKIE: Actually... that does make me feel better. Thank you! [goes to Donna and gives her a hug]   
  
HYDE: Forman, you trashed a gym. Alright!  
  
[Kelso comes in all tired in his regular clothes.]  
  
KELSO: Hey guys.   
  
HYDE: So Kelso... where were you today?  
  
JACKIE: Yeah... you didn't come to support me!  
  
KELSO: I had... I had to save the dying children Africa!  
  
ERIC: And you got here... now?  
  
KELSO: Yeah... I'm like Superman... man!  
  
HYDE: Really? Nice tail man.   
  
KELSO: [moves to the side - there is a tiger tail sticking out] Oh... what is this?   
  
FEZ: Oh! What did you get from those children!?!?!?!  
  
JACKIE: [grabs the tail] Michael! This is the Southside mascot's tail!  
  
KELSO: How did that get there?  
  
ERIC: I can't believe you went up against your own school.   
  
DONNA: Shame on you.   
  
KELSO: I don't know how that got there?!?!  
  
RED: Wow... you were really good on stage... dumbass.   
  
KELSO: Hey! It takes skill to do those moves. [Jackie gives him look] Which I didn't!  
******************************************************************  
[Credits]   
  
[Forman Driveway. Bob and Kitty are dressed in their uniforms. Red is standing on the side]  
  
KITTY: Give me a R!  
  
BOB: R!  
  
KITTY: Give me a E!  
  
BOB: E!  
  
KITTY: Give me a D!  
  
BOB: D!  
  
KITTY: What's that spell?!?!   
  
[Bob and Kitty point to Red]  
  
RED: I'm out of here. [he goes into the kitchen.  
****************************************************************** 


	15. Episode 15: FEZ'S Island

Episode 15: Fez's Island  
  
****************************************************************  
  
[Forman Kitchen. Kitty is all dressed up. She is dancing around the table. Hyde and Eric come in from the living room talking and she sees them and shows off herself in the pretty dress.]  
  
ERIC / HYDE: Wow mom / Looking good Mrs. Forman!  
  
KITTY: Thank you boys!  
  
ERIC: So mom. What's the occasion?  
  
[Hyde opens fridge]  
  
HYDE: Forman back off! Your mom always looks this nice.  
  
KITTY: Why thank you Steven for being so... honest. [flashes a smile to Eric and Hyde] If you must know, it is your father and I's Wedding Anniversary!  
  
HYDE: [closes the fridge holding bread] That's great Mrs. Forman. Congrats. Who knew you could put up with Red for so long?[goes to sit at the table]  
  
ERIC: Yeah... That's great mom! Happy Anniversary!  
  
KITTY: Thank you! Your father promised me a surprise!!! [excited] I hope it's a sewing machine!!!  
  
ERIC: Yeah... that's great mom.  
  
[KITTY goes into the living room]  
  
ERIC: Wow. My mom and dad have been together for this long.   
  
HYDE: Yeah... must be weird knowing they still do it, huh Forman?  
  
ERIC: [gives Hyde a blank look] I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that. [sits] I wonder how Donna and I will be in the future. You know. I'm going to make her a happy woman.  
  
HYDE: You're going to leave her?  
  
ERIC: No. I'm going to love her forever and be there for her all the time.   
  
HYDE: I thought you said you're going to make her a happy woman?  
  
****************************************************************  
  
[Forman basement. Kelso, Hyde, Jackie, Donna, Eric are watching TV. Guilligan's Island. Hyde is in his chair. Jackie, Donna, Eric are on the couch. Kelso is in his chair.]  
  
HYDE: [head on knuckles] Kill him! Kill him!   
  
KELSO: Man... Gilligan always screws up. See this is why he never gets any chicks.   
  
ERIC: You guys aren't even giving him a chance. I mean he does do well in the end. Poor guy.  
  
JACKIE: Yeah.. it's always the skinny guys. Sorry Eric.   
  
DONNA: Hey where's FEZ?  
  
HYDE: He said he got a package from his parents for graduation.   
  
[FEZ enters with a box.]  
  
FEZ: Hello FEZ's friends.   
  
KELSO: What's in the box FEZ?  
  
ERIC: Your parents send you lizards?  
  
KELSO: Oh I want one!  
  
FEZ: Nope. [sets the box on the table] It's a gift from home.   
  
[Everyone backs away from it]   
  
KELSO: What... is.. it?  
  
FEZ: [opens the box] It's my new pet duck. [pulls out a duck] Kikiduck!   
  
KIKIDUCK: Quack! Quack!  
  
FEZ: Isn't she gorgeous!?!?  
  
[credits]  
  
****************************************************************  
  
[Forman basement. Everyone is surrounding FEZ and Kikiduck. FEZ puts the duck back in the box.]  
  
JACKIE: Boy FEZ. Your parents know how to spoil you.   
  
ERIC: So what are you going to do with the duck?  
  
FEZ: It's a gift! My parents blessed me for graduating.   
  
DONNA: Wow... I'm graduating and my father just gave me a banjo.   
  
ERIC: Yeah... [proud] For my gift... [sad] Red is booting me out...   
  
JACKIE: Wait. So what about the duck?  
  
KELSO: Dinner!  
  
FEZ: No No! [FEZ holds onto the box]  
  
KELSO: Oh that's true. Let it lay some eggs first, then we can eat.   
  
HYDE: So you're going to keep it?  
  
FEZ: I have to. It'd be disrespectful if I didn't!  
  
ERIC: Yeah Hyde... I mean... how could a duck not be useful?  
  
KELSO: Yeah! We'll just have to wait for her to lay eggs! and then BREAKFAST!  
  
FEZ: No. This is a blessed duck. It will help me with the ladies.  
  
[Hyde smiles]  
  
JACKIE: I don't think the duck could help you with the ladies FEZ. It's only a duck.   
  
FEZ: [looks at Jackie] Only a duck? Only a duck? [pulls out Kikiduck from boz] Does this look like only a duck to you??!?!?!  
  
KELSO: I had a pet pig before. He ran away. [sigh] But man... that night we had the best soup ever! Man!   
  
[FEZ moves the duck away from Kelso]  
  
****************************************************************  
  
[Forman living room. Red comes in from the living room with the newspaper in his Pricemart jacket. He sits on his chair. Kitty comes down from the den all dressed up. She tries to get Red's attention by posing cute. Red doesn't notice. He continues to read. Kitty goes a step down and poses again. He doesn't notice. Kitty goes in front of the couch and coughs. Red looks and Kitty poses.]  
  
RED: [puts the newspaper down] Wow Kitty. You look beautiful!  
  
KITTY: Thank you! So!!! [sits on the couch] What is the surprise for me?  
  
RED: [uncomfy] Surprise?  
  
KITTY: Yeah Red! For today!  
  
RED: Oh! The surprise!  
  
KITTY: Red Forman... you don't have a surprise do you?  
  
RED: I do Kitty! [gets up and offers a hug] HAPPY BIRTHDAY!  
  
KITTY: [stares at Red blankly and walks upstairs] If you want me, I'll be in my room.   
  
RED: Damnit Kitty! I remembered!  
  
[Eric enters the living room from the kitchen. He sees Red angry and then starts going back.]  
  
RED: What event?  
  
ERIC: [from Kitchen] Anniversary.   
  
RED: [cries from the bottom of the stairs] Happy Anniversary Kitty! [turns back] Aw Damn!  
  
****************************************************************  
  
[Donna's Kitchen. Donna and Joanne are cleaning up. Bob is finishing dinner. Eric comes in from the kicthen door.]  
  
ERIC: Donna. You cannot believe this. Red forgot their anniversary!  
  
DONNA: Oh is your mom in her bedroom again?  
  
ERIC: Yeah... I mean this is worse than when my dad ran over our pet dog Whiggy.   
  
DONNA: You had a pet dog?  
  
ERIC: SH! It's not allowed to be discussed. [swallows and pauses] It still hurts. [painful look on his face]  
  
JOANNE: Looks like Red's in trouble with women. [Joanne sits on Bob's lap]  
  
BOB: Red should take advice from us. We're really good together. Right Jo-Jo? Yeah. I mean at least Joanne could remember our Anniversary.   
  
JOANNE: [looks at BOB] Anniversary Bob?  
  
BOB: Yeah Jo-jo.   
  
JOANNE: Bob... Anniversaries are for people who are married. Not us Bob. [gets up]  
  
BOB: Jo-Jo! I know, but we should have an anniversary.   
  
[Joanne and Bob stare at each other. Donna and Eric look uncomfy]  
  
ERIC: You know we're just going to...   
  
DONNA: Yeah... we're gonna...   
  
[They exit to the living room]  
  
ERIC: Let's go!   
  
DONNA: I'm right behind you.   
  
****************************************************************  
  
[The Hub. FEZ, Hyde, Jackie, Kelso, Kikiduck. They are in a booth. FEZ is holding Kikiduck and is feeding her. Jackie, Hyde, and Kelso are sitting with him staring.]  
  
HYDE: So how is it exactly are you going to get girls with that duck?  
  
FEZ: Well... I'm going to have the Kikiduck woo them for me!  
  
JACKIE: FEZ It's not going to work. Girls aren't attracted to ducks! It's not shiny!  
  
KELSO: She's right. [tries to grab Kikiduck] Let's cover it with alumminum!  
  
[FEZ holds onto to Kikiduck]  
  
FEZ: Kikiduck is going to get me some DOING IT time.  
  
KELSO: Yeah right FEZ! It's a duck. [thinks and is shocked] DUDE!  
  
HYDE: [to FEZ] Well... here's what you do. Get the duck to go to them. Show them how cute abd furry they are.   
  
JACKIE: [grabs Hyde's arm] That's what I did when Hyde first met my mom.   
  
YOUNG HOT WAITRESS - Sunny: [comes over] I'm sorry sir. You can't have any animals here.   
  
FEZ: [looks at Hyde and Jackie and Kelso] Well... Miss [looks at tag] Sunny. Tell it to the duck.   
  
YOUNG HOT WAITRESS - Sunny: [annoyed and sighs] Look... [to the duck] Get out.   
  
FEZ: [looks at the girl sternly] Well! If you are going to treat us this badly! Good bye!  
  
YOUNG HOT WAITRESS - Sunny: But wai---  
  
FEZ: [leaving with Kikiduck] I said GOOD BYE!   
  
****************************************************************  
  
[Kitty/Red's bedroom. Kitty is in her bed, dressed in her night gown under the sheets. Joanne is on the bedside next to her.]  
  
JOANNE: I don't understand it Kitty. Bob and I aren't married and yet he expects me to remember an anniversary.   
  
KITTY: I'm just upset that Red and I are married and he forgot ours!  
  
JOANNE: Well that's cuz it's Red, Kitty. [laughs] He's a "man".   
  
KITTY: [laughs] Yes... he tries.[stops laughing because of what she said]  
  
************[Fantasy Sequence. The Honeymooners. The scene is black and white. Kitty (Alice) is dressed up in the 50s clothes - she is placing the plates on the table. Bob comes in as Norton with the hat and vest.]  
  
BOB: Hey Hey Kitty!!!  
  
KITTY: Hello Bob.   
  
BOB: I have a perdicament. I promised the little league boys I'd give them a apple if they hit a home run!  
  
KITTY: Well what's the problem?  
  
BOB: I'm all out of apples.  
  
[Fake laugh - Kitty looks at the audience and shrugs. Red comes in, in a suit.]  
  
RED: Kitty! I'm tired! Where's my dinner!  
  
KITTY: [prissy] You'll get your dinner when I say you can get your dinner!  
  
RED: [Jackie Gleason way] Ack! [sits on a chair]  
  
KITTY: Hey Red! Did you forget what day it is?  
  
RED: [looks at her] No I didn't forget what day it was!  
  
KITTY: Then what day is it?  
  
RED: I should be asking you what day is it.   
  
BOB: It's your... your anniversary! Come now Red! [Bob starts doing the waving arms dance]  
  
RED: [gets up] I knew that! Cuz I know! [arms waving] I know EVERYTHING!  
  
KITTY: Well Red Forman... what did you get me?  
  
RED: What did I get you? What did I get you?  
  
[Joanne comes in with a package - she is dressed like Trixie. Red grabs the package from Joanne and gives it to Kitty]  
  
RED: This is what I got you!  
  
JOANNE: Red!  
  
RED: Thank you Joanne for holding my gift for my wife for me! Thank you! [to Kitty] Open it Sweetheart!  
  
KITTY: Oh Red! You shouldn't have! [opens it] It's... it's... a banjo? A banjo Red?  
  
RED: [looks at Joanne] A banjo?!?! A banjo?!?! A banjo, Joanne?  
  
JOANNE: [looks at Bob] A banjo, Bob?  
  
BOB: Yeah... isn't it nice? [to Kitty] Happy Anniversary!   
  
[Bob starts doing arms waving dance - his feet look like they are running in place, his arms are waving. Red grabs Bob's gat and starts hitting him with it.]  
  
*****FANTASY SEQUENCE ENDS  
  
KITTY: A banjo?!?!  
  
JOANNE: Kitty... calm down.   
  
KITTY: Men! Psh! Never thinking with their head... always thinking with their --- [looks at Joanne and smiles]... cars...  
  
[Commercial]  
  
****************************************************************  
  
[Donna's room. Eric is sitting on the bed. Donna is pacing around her room.]  
  
ERIC: Can you believe my parent's troubling relationship is causing problems with Bob and Joanne?  
  
DONNA: Yeah. Do you think we'll be like that?  
  
ERIC: No. NO! Of course not!   
  
[Donna sits on Eric's lap]  
  
DONNA: What do you think it'll be like?  
  
ERIC: Well... of course we'll be happy... we'll have lots of kids. One will be named Eric Jr.   
  
DONNA: Wait... why does the kid get to be named after you?  
  
ERIC: [laughs] Donna Jr. I mean... come on!  
  
[Donna flashes him a look]  
  
ERIC: It's pretty sexy! [does face] In a non-father-daughter sense.   
  
****************************************************************  
  
[Forman Basement. FEZ is with KikiDuck. He is petting the duck.]   
  
FEZ: It is okay Kikiduck. They laugh because they don't understand. Oh sure just because you have a funny accent, puffy hair, tight sexy clothes, and a buttock as hard as steel, they think they can laugh! But no! [laughs] FEZ laughs at them!  
  
KIKIDUCK: Quack.  
  
FEZ: Yes... I'm glad someone agrees with me! [pets] Yes... we shall all be one happy family. [looks at Kikiduck] What shall I do with you?  
  
[FEZ puts Kikiduck in the box and sits on the couch. He falls asleep.]  
  
**************************FANTASY SEQUENCE*************************************  
  
[Gilligan's Island. FEZ is Gilligan, wearing the red shirt and white hat. He is on the sand playing with Kikiduck.]  
  
FEZ: Don't worry Kikiduck. My friends won't harm you.   
  
[He lays on the sand with his white hat over his face. Kikiduck is on his lap sitting. You hear Jackie and Hyde coming - Hyde is wearing a rick sailor hat and suit. Jackie is wearing a summer outfit and is carrying an umbrella. They are the Howells.]  
  
FEZ: [wakes up] Hello the Howels! [gets up and holds Kikiduck]  
  
HYDE: Of all people I'm the old guy?  
  
JACKIE: [grabs his arms] Quit complaining Steven! We're rich! Thank you FEZ!  
  
HYDE: Look. We're out of food. We need Kikiduck.   
  
FEZ: No! I won't let you harm her!  
  
DONNA: [comes out from the side - she is Ginger] FEZ! We need to talk! [stops and turns around] Oh come on Eric! It isn't so bad.  
  
ERIC: Easy for you to say! [comes out and he's Maryanne - wearing shorts and a girly top.] FEZ. What were you thinking?  
  
HYDE: Hey FEZ. Nice job.   
  
FEZ: Don't be complaining! You look nice.  
  
[Eric rolls his eyes and does his gestures]  
  
JACKIE: Hey where's Kelso?   
  
[Everyone looks around.]  
  
KELSO: [yells from offstage] I'm coming! [Kelso comes in as the Skipper - IN A FAT SUIT] FEZ! What did you do to me? I'm fat! You ruined my volumpous figure! And you know---- [looks at Eric]--- Nice legs!   
  
[Eric rolls his eyes and turns around]  
  
KELSO: Look FEZ! Why did you ruin my beauty?  
  
FEZ: Enough! This is my fantasy!   
  
DONNA: Look FEZ. There is no food here. Hand over the duck.  
  
ERIC: Yeah. We're hungry.   
  
KELSO / HYDE / JACKIE: Yeah! / Hand it over! / Mmm... roast duck!  
  
FEZ: No. I will not give up my Kikiduck. Besides! [looks at Kelso] You need to lose some weight anyway pal!  
  
[All of them cover FEZ. FEZ holds onto Kikiduck]  
  
FEZ: NOOOOO!  
  
************************FANTASY SEQUENCE ENDS***************************************  
  
[Wakes up from couch.]  
  
FEZ: NOOOOOOO! [eyes open] Oh! [looks in box]  
  
KIKIDUCK: QUACK.  
  
[Kelso, Hyde, and Jackie come in from the side door.]  
  
KELSO: Hey FEZ.  
  
FEZ: [looks at them sternly] Don't hey me you son duck eating sons of a bitches!   
  
[FEZ grabs the box with Kikiduck in it and goes out through the side door.]  
  
****************************************************************  
  
[Forman Living Room. Red and Bob. Red is in his chair. Bob is pacing about in front of the couch. They are both thinking.]  
  
BOB: Red I don't understand! Joanne and I have been together for months and I feel the need for commitment.   
  
RED: Shut up Bob.   
  
BOB: Aw Geez Red. Our ladies are mad at us.   
  
RED: Alright Bob. Here is what I am going to do for you. I'm going to give you some words of advice. [Bob listens in] Get out! And let them cool down. Kitty will eventually get over it as I soften her up with gentle words. "Oh Kitty of course you look beautiful." "No I don't think you need to shower!" "Oh Kitty... you look nothing over thirty!" [to Bob] See...  
  
[Kitty and Joanne comes down from the stairs. Bob stands up when Joanne stands in front of him]  
  
BOB: [sternly] Joanne! I have something to say!  
  
JOANNE: [crosses her arms and looks hard at him] What Bob?  
  
BOB: You look beautiful and nothing over thirty. Let's go home Jo-jo!  
  
JOANNE: Allright.   
  
[They turn to leave through the kitchen. - Joanne is the first to go through the kitchen door. Bob looks at Red and smiles. Red rolls his eyes - Bob and Joanne are gone]  
  
KITTY: [crosses her arms - moves to the piano] Well Red Forman. Do you have anything to say?  
  
RED: [gets up and walks toward Kitty] Yes Kitty. I'm sorry and you're beaut----  
  
KITTY: Cut the crap Red. Next thing you'll say is that I don't need a shower!  
  
RED: [coughs] Look Kitty. I really am sorry. I've just been so busy lately with the store and kicking Eric's ass!  
  
KITTY: Oh Red! You're always busy!  
  
RED: [puts his arm around her] Never busy for my girl! How about we go out tonight and I promise we'll do anything you want. Absolutely anything!  
  
KITTY: Anything?   
  
RED: Anything!  
  
[Kitty smiles - evil. Red looks horrified.]  
  
********************  
  
[Forman Living Room. Red is wearing a dress. Kitty is sewing stuff onto him.]  
  
RED: Kitty... this is so degrading!  
  
KITTY: Shut up and hold still! [moves away and jumps up and down clapping] YAY! The girls at the sewing class are going to love this!  
  
***************************************************************  
  
[The Hub. Kelso, Donna, Eric, Jackie, Hyde are at a booth. FEZ comes in empty handed and stands next to the booth.]  
  
FEZ: Hello friends of FEZ!  
  
ERIC / DONNA / HYDE / JACKIE / KELSO: Hey / Hey / Hey / Hello / FEZ!  
  
ERIC: So where's your Duckie?  
  
KELSO: Yeah where's Kikiduck?  
  
FEZ: I gave her away. She's living in a nice farm now. [looks sad]   
  
DONNA: We're sorry FEZ.   
  
JACKIE: Yeah is there anything we can do for you?  
  
HYDE: I can steal you something if you want.   
  
KELSO: I know! We can steal you a pig!  
  
FEZ: No no. It's okay. She's in a better place now. And I know that Kikiduck cannot help me get women. Who could not love this sexy, frisky ass son of a bitch? [smiles]  
  
Waitress - SUNNY: [comes from behind FEZ] Excuse me? [FEZ turns around] Look. I'm sorry for being so rude to you. The fact is... I kind of think you're cute.   
  
FEZ: Really? [turns to the group and smiles - with thumbs up - turns back] Really? Does my ass really turn you on?  
  
Waitress - SUNNY: Um... so where is your little duck?  
  
FEZ: Oh. I had to give her away. She's in a better place now.   
  
Waitress-SUNNY: Oh. [not interested in FEZ] Well... then... I have to go back to work. [turns around to work]  
  
FEZ: Wait! How about Saturday night?  
  
Waitress - Sunny: [yells from offstage] I have to wash my hair!  
  
FEZ: How about next Friday?  
  
Waitress-Sunny: I'm washing my hair!  
  
FEZ: What is it with you women and your hair! [turn to the gang]  
  
HYDE: It's alright FEZ.  
  
ERIC: Yeah FEZ. She just has a lot of hair problems. [nudges Jackie]  
  
JACKIE: Yeah! Us pretty girls need to care for our hair! Donna. I suggest you and her talk.   
  
DONNA: Gee. Thanks Jackie.  
  
KELSO: Aw. Don't worry little buddy. Yeah. Sure she was sexy, hot, young, and attracted to the duck. But you know what. You'll just have to go buy another duck.   
  
[Closing credits]  
  
***************************************************************  
  
[Forman Living Room. Kitty is still working on the dress.]  
  
RED: Kitty how long is this going to take?  
  
KITTY: Oh quit complaining Red! Everybody is not home.  
  
[Eric comes in from the kitchen and stares. Red gives him a hard look. Eric smiles and turns back into the kitchen]  
  
ERIC: [from the kitchen] HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA  
  
[Red rolls his eyes] 


End file.
